Beginning before the end.

Soon I will say goodbye to 2006. Ok. Really, I said goodbye about a month ago and I've just been checking off days until it was official. I've never been in this place before and it's strange.

I'm so relieved the year is over. I find myself turning the pages and reading ahead the hopes of the new year for fun. It's a bit abstract of course. Alright. My brain is broken and so it's very abstract. Mostly, I think about bike riding, story telling and jumping on imaginary lilly pads as I smile. I think about arts and crafts and singing. I think about how I'm going to grow down a little more.

It's going to be a good year. And if things get rough, I'm going to smile and say I know the sun is shining up ahead.

What about you? What does the year hold for you?

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from the land of sun and snoap. I hope this finds you enjoying the best of this year and planning for joy in the next.

Penelope

We played a great game today. Penelope and Mrs. Picklebottom. Penelope smacks her lips, speaks in an abrasive whine (maybe a bit of Jersey in her) and Mrs. Picklebottom must reign her in. I love being Penelope!
My daughter is not sure what to think. She tried to explain to me that picking everything up in the store and putting things like greeting cards on my head was not the thing to do. She also said Penelope wasn't supposed to do the wiggle her bottom dance in the aisle while holding cards on her head. I feel bad for Penelope. Mrs. Picklebottom doesn't even want her to scratch the inside of her nose. How else is Penelope going to make it stop itching??!!

I think Penelope is going to go out with us more often because it was the easiest round of errands we've ever had. And now, my princess, who never sleeps, is sleeping. Which is good. She was up at 4 this morning.

Hopefully, she and Mrs. Picklebottom will wake up refreshed and ready for Penelope's antics. If not, I will have had enough of a break that I will be ready to play birthday party again.

Catching up

I would start at the beginning. Julie Andrews said it was a good place to start. however, I can't remember when and where that was.

We are in Bloomington, IL again. Russell's contract here will be done at the end of the year. So this was a good time to come visit and do all of the things we enjoyed doing while here. I hope to come back some day, perhaps I can lure my family here with promises of Chicago. However, we are recovering from a snowstorm so now is probably not the time to start campaigning :)

The children are growing, as they tend to do. My daughter is learning to read. This is so exciting for her parents. She enjoys seeing our enthusiasm. She says I can do my happy dance anywhere I want. Our son is finally spouting a few words regularly. He has his favorites. He'll go to great lengths to find the sports pages in the paper so that he can look at it and say "ball." Ducks and dogs also make it to the top ten list. He's got some misc other words in there, but he is not the talker his sister was. Of course, it could be that we aren't the parents we were back then either. I seem to have lost my place in the Mommy wars and that's ok. It's much less work to be genuinely happy for other people's prodigies than worry about where mine are. They are here and they are beautiful.

But still, I had no clue how powerful mother guilt could be when I was younger! I could not have imagined this tendency to second guess so much. Even when I know the sane path. Sometimes I wonder if I am too strict on some things. My daughter will tell me, "this is part of growing up" in the middle of some tantrum or misadventure.

I will say "not here it isn't' or " I don't want to grow a grown up who does such and such" Luckily these things do not happen too much. And sometimes, she's probably right. And so I tell her so sometimes and we start over, with the understanding it will not occur again. If we are lucky, it doesn't. We are all learning.

In any event, we are all well. We fought a brave and victorious battle against some vile cold recently. We were probably due for some such thing, but we were sick for almost two weeks. I was so glad to finally be myself again. Russell was so glad when I was finally myself again.

Now the holidays are here and I flow between the joy of them and the sadness of all that has happened. I try to remember that that is the choice every person makes on any given day. But it's hard. And last night, when I woke yet again in the night from my wild dreams, I had another talk with God.

So much is really good for us. And exciting. I am tired though. Very, very tired. I try to remember though, that I can choose to be sunshine girl. Most of the time it helps.

I was almost ready to believe this was all a mistake. One we would stick to for the year and walk away from later. And then I saw fireworks from my living room couch. I admit, I'm a sucker for such moments of magic. But, as I watch them, I think whatever the quirks of this place, however tight the cliques, there is a core that continues to move forward with the dream of building this town into a place where families come to grow and connect with others.
Lately, I've been thinking that most people have forgotten how to play well with others. Maybe we never learned. After all, noone sends their kids out to play anymore and "concerned" parents haven't since the 80's. So that's an awful lots of adults and kids who don't really know how to mingle without artificial social constructs. A lot of room for trial and error.
Much to muse upon on the south side of the mouse. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I should know by now not to expect anything. But, I'm an optimist. As I should be. Because you just never know when you are going to look outside your window and see a gorgeous display of fireworks.

Trying

Today I cried. I think it's been a long time in coming. In answer to my daughter's query, "why?" I could only say that I wanted to. Not my shining moment. On the plus side, she did stop trying to run strangers over with the stroller... and she got in the car instead of being a moving target for other Mommies.

I'm pretty sure I was tired. I'm also sure that I am tired of trying to pull "it" all together. Numerous disappointments today. Bad. Bad. Bad.

But, the day ended well. Veggie nuggets with lots of veggies for dinner and oatmeal for dessert. Yes, we're weird. Tonight, I'll get more sleep. I'm pretty sure the day will be much better tomorrow.

But, if things don't improve, I will dwell on a really super evening entertaining 4 incredibly cute and social little people the other night. That oughta bring out the smiles.

Time for dreamland.

I seem to be busier than ever before, but I'm not sure with what. The house is a wreck. I haven't finished a book in days. My crafty type things are not even organized enough that I could do them.
It could be in part that we went to Atlanta last week. But, things were like that before we went.
On the plus side, I think we are doing well. The kids are happy. I'm getting tired of playing make believe games with the kids though. I hope we meet nice, mostly well adjusted children soon. Then, they can pretend to be Mickey, Ord, or Jack and Annie (all children's story chaacters) and I can space out on the park bench while I read the mail.

Heading out of town again in a couple of days. It is unlikely my chore list will be empty before I go. I'm thinking no mother gets done with her list until the kids are grown. Atleast, I hope I'll be done by then!

Please help!

I need your help. I'm doing some research on fitness habits and motivation. I am burning to know if you have a regular exercise routine. I want to know what you do and what you don't. If you haven't done a crunch in 15 years, I'm hoping you'll tell me why. I also hope you will share your best childhood P.E. memory with me. If there aren't any, I hope you'll tell me about that too. If you love me and/or you need good water cooler or playground coversation, maybe you'll enlist your friends to help too!

Thanks!

Yes, Virginia, there are Alligators

Or atleast, one of them. We saw it yesterday. Very cool stuff. I estimate two years old, max. This of course, causes my daughter to ask how I know his name is Max. Later, she decides it doesn't matter if we know his name. The important people or reptiles in his life no doubt do. Atleast, we hope.

Good things

Tonight, we visited with family. What a wonderful thing. It sounds so ordinary, but I think I can count on two hands, maybe a toe or two, the times we have had family visitors since we were married. My husband's parents have been our most frequent visitors. I have always enjoyed them. And my parents have come a couple of times. We've been so far though. And, parents are parents.

Tonight, we went to dinner with cousins who were in town. It was wonderful. I know, I just used that word. And I wish I could think of a better one. There isn't one though. That one says what I think too well. It was absolutely wonderful to laugh often and enjoy the safety that good family can bring.

Now that atleast half the boxes are cleared and most of the furniture is reassembled, I can think about how much I am going to like being closer to so many of the people I love dearly. And it's good thinkin!

Things I need to know

As we begin to settle in, I am finally able to say that I see the ways this might work into something truly wonderful.

This is not something I say lightly. I have struggled so in this move. I really wanted an 11th hour dispensation from God so that I did not have to move. I know, I know, some of you are thinking I could have stopped this move at any time. But, that would have violated the journey I began with God over two years ago. I couldn't do that. So, in absence of a clear directive to stay in Bloomington, I followed the instigation of my spouse to move to Central Florida. He, btw, felt he was doing this partly for me. And, I guess he was. Funny how these things can happen.

In any event, I continued with this move that I might be better able to move forward when I did not necessarily feel like it 100%. I moved so that I would be forced to rely on God's strength and patience. I moved so that I might not get lost in the trap of building a perfect life that I could control. I moved to practice self-discipline. Karate is a bit hard to get to these days with the kids you know...

There were times I felt I was moving to be closer to family. In the beginning that was the main reason given. As the pace picked up though, there was no ability to dwell on those aspects. This became a challenge of my desires. My resentments. My comfort. Me. Me. Me. And that is really why I needed to go through this move.
Because it is not about me. It's about being a tiny part of a bigger picture. One in which each part needs to work well with others. To know how to exist. And I do not always do this well. I fix. Not so much these days though. Now, I do what I need to get through the day.

I pray for more than enough grace for each day. I pray that I will meet the needs of my family and that we will all grow closer to God. That we might be more than usable. That we would be pleasing. As I ride and walk the streets here, I feel my prayers being answered. As I find moments to talk to near strangers about the quest to be more open to God's provision and leadership in my life, I see glimpses of the future.

Life is so short. Sometimes, we get a re-take. More often, we don't. May Your day be blessed with opportunities to love, to dare, and to be loved.

The first few days

I'm taking plenty of breaks from packing to wander the streets of Celebration. It is so very strange to be here, finally. I look at the people I pass and wonder if they are visitors or residents. I wonder how long they imagined themselves here before they took the plunge. I wonder who lives in the big houses. Then, I see a lizard cross the path in front of me. I see a wisp of white out of the corner of my eye. I am distracted as I wonder if it is an ibis or egret. I am further distracted by signs warning me from feeding or harassing alligators.
Then, I stop wondering. Time to catch runaway children or do the mommy dance to soothe the baby in the backpack. Time to steal a few more minutes of peace before bedtime and boxes.

We're here

The truck is unloaded. The boxes are scattered. And we are here. Moving is never easy and that is true now. But, we are giving it 200 percent and I am hopeful that we will work it out. To what end, I do not know. Won't we all be surprised.

Fully engaged

I do not want to rest on the safe and known in life. I want to continue moving forward. I want to risk the plans I have for my life in the faith that God's plan will be even better. I do not want to talk about trusting God. I want to do it. I want to be fully engaged with God. No benchwarming.

Birthday joys

I love birthdays. My birthday. Family birthdays. Strangers birthdays. I love waking up and feeling like the day is a grand, beautiful holiday. Last year, we moved into our current home on my birthday. We ate mac and dairy free cheese with peas for dinner. We ate it looking out at the park, exhausted and at peace. I can't remember the year before; I think that means I really am getting older. This year was special too. I enjoyed my last farmers market in Bloomington. My husband and I had a golf lesson (he is better than I am) and we all had a wonderful lunch. I think I napped, but I don't remember that either. I know I packed, but that got lost in the many wonderful things that happened that day. I went for a bike ride before I made dinner. It really was a grand day.

Today was my daughter's birthday. It was also my husband's. I hope my daughter always feels as delighted by her birthday as I do. After all, her birthday marks the day I got one of my best presents ever. I hope my husband feels loved and treasured even in the midst of the chaos we call our life.

I love this part of Sept. The stretch between my birthday and theirs is sweet. The anticipation and joy strings the days together. Every call or card is the knowledge that we are loved. Our safety net of friends and family is far wider than even we could reasonably travel in a year. We are blessed and grateful.

Birthdays are good. Very, very good. After all, it's not every day that you can get a free crown, balloon, popsicle and extra tokens at Chuck E Cheese.

Acts of Faith

After all the hours wasted in the stay or go debate, it comes down to one thing. Sometimes, you have to go forward when you don't have all the answers. You have to go even when you are comfy and warm right where you are. Sometimes. Like now.

So, next Thursday, we will finish last minute packing and get the truck loaded. The kids and I will begin the trip down to FL. Russell will follow the next day. No doubt, he will go at a much faster pace without two small children. I hope to be in Orlando relatively soon after his Sat arrival. But, we'll see.

I'm beginning to have the excitement and peace we had that first evening in Celebration. I am so looking forward to not driving everywhere. I want to put many, many miles on my bike as we sing and pedal down the sidewalk, happy to be alive. Yup, I'm weird. Luckily, my children are young enough to think this is a fine and wonderful thing to do.

Each day I have received encouragement and confirmation that God will bring us through this time. I have reminded myself many times to trust in a God that has a big picture. It is not easy. Yet, I get these confirmation moments, these God-moments, when I breathe deeply and know that I am not in this alone.
Thanks be to God.

If

If all goes well, we will have a lease to sign next week for a condo in Celebration. What a rollercoaster! We have finally reached a relatively fun part of the process.

After seeing a few properties in Celebration and getting an idea of floorplans and prices, we decided what we would like to pay for said units. I made a list and told the property agent that I had very competitive private offers, which I did. She came back with counter offers that we felt were more agreeable.

Our first choice is currently furnished. This is not so good for us though. The owner is going to see what she can do about that. Again, if all goes well, we will have a lease to sign next week. If not, we have back up plans.

I never imagined I would be bargaining for rental housing. I always thought it was like grocery store pricing and you paid what was listed. I keep wondering if any part of me will feel bad about dickering, but I don't think so. Instead, I will enjoy the tile floors and the luxury of not stressing about spaghetti sauce, cherries and carpets. Instead, I'll spend the money on music classes and the gym. Woohoo!

Updates

We are moving ahead with our plans to relocate. We still do not have an exact destination. We still flirt with staying here. We are probably the flakiest folks around. We've contacted a couple of realtors regarding available properties in Celebration. Our house is emptying out. Soon we'll need to do another box run.

Stay tuned.

Control Issues

Control is hard to give up, much like breathing. It may be just as much work to seek God's will in my life as it is to recklessly plow forward and play clean up afterwards. Nevermind that this God is Creator of the Universe, the one who sends food from the sky, parts the sea, and raises the dead. Nevermind all that.

Everytime I go with the flow, I get a little more peace. That's like gold to a worried control freak. Manna.

I'm a slow learner. In spite of this, I'm willing to bet that if I keep working on this surrender thing, good things will happen. I'm going to get enough grace to see me through all of the turmoil. And, because God's love and provision is bountiful, some days, I will get even more than enough.

Progress

I think we are doing better. Some restless nights and melancholy moments, but overall, we are more at peace with this. For the last two days, we have gone bike riding. We've gotten wet and muddy, and had a grand time doing so. Yesterday, we rode around town for atleast 2.5 hours. Things always look better after the endorphins kick in...

I've packed more boxes, said more goodbyes and cleaned more. It is hard to believe there is anything left to clean, but the kids always find something new to take out.

It would be easier to leave everything on the floor until it goes in the box, but we were kind tenants and gave the new landlord extra notice of vacancy. He has been showing the house for over a week and half. The first time, he tried to call at dinner time and showed up with prospects two hours later. That would be 8 o clock. I was not happy. We let him in and I told him he would not be allowed to enter again under those circumstances. He is quite flaky and has made several appointments and then changed them. I SO miss the old property manager. He was great. A no problem kind of guy who always said I'll take care of it and did. He would not have been parading people through our home unnecessarily. Oh well. Them's the days...


Bottom line of all this rambling...We've acknowledged every downside and upside to this move. We still think we are moving. We wish we felt better about Orlando, but we don't. Maybe we just picked the wrong destination...

I am being told in different ways and times to trust God with everything. It's neat that each messanger is completely unaware of the others. I am left to wonder if I am to trust God to carry us through to the next adventure or to take care of things in other places and stay where we were sent. Have we learned enough here to go on to the next spot? Or should we continue to bloom in Bloomington?

My mom used to say," You think too much." This could very well be true. But then again, it may not be. I may think just enough to get myself in trouble. Today, I still contemplated the choices, but I put in a bigger mix of praise and adoration for a God who can see every twist, turn and stumble and always wants to hold my hand. Maybe that's my lesson for the day. If so, can I go home and take a nap now?

I don't know where we are going. Moving to Orlando seemed like the reasonable thing to do. It has made us very cranky though. All of us.

Russell and I now wonder what should we be doing. Neither of us expected moving to evoke such poor behavior and bad thoughts. The tantrums and pettiness is intense. I expect the dog will pee on the floor any minute. We are left to wonder," Is this normal? Is this all a sign that we should NOT be doing this? Is this a rise above the chaos and carry on moment?" We just don't know.

Part of the problem is that we feel we should be doing the "right thing." For whom though? Us? Family? Both are important. Complicated. I know many would say the us is the most important thing. But, we don't usually make decisions by that measuring stick. I wonder what other kinds Home Depot sells.

Russell asked me what my gut desire was last night. I said to hide under a rock. Not good. He would be happy if we moved to Atlanta. That certainly has its merits. Every choice does.

Maybe we'll just click our ruby, red heels and wait to see where home is. First, we'll need to get some. The clock is ticking. Tick Tick Tock

Where in the world am I?

The silence on my part is just an illusion. I've not been quiet at all. I've been taking time to drive my family crazy here...

Upon returning home, we have been more focused on cleaning, packing and sorting. We try to break up the work with fun. So, we've also been to the park, children's museum, Chuckee Cheese, and the library. All this fun and work has not stopped me from finding a little gem of humor, mostly guaranteed to make you smile.

DRUMROLL Please....
number #1 A+ reason for a 3 page insurance company denial of coverage letter.... They canot identify me.

I think that one is mostly straightened out now. I'm a little worried for BCBS though. They can't see the humor.

My laptop is visiting the computer doctor. I hope it comes home quickly. I miss it. I am down in the basement writing to you and it isn't the same at all. I promise to write more when it comes home.
Meanwhile, stay happy and well. And a little dazed, because it makes people wonder if you are okay.

More on moving

We travel home today. The kids and I will fly back to Bloomington. I do not like flying, but am glad to be headed home. We are all excited abou that. It has been a good visit in S Fl. We have narrowed down the living situation to a city, although not a specific address. We are looking for a place in Celebration, a small town on the SW side of Orlando. We are optimistic about finding just the right place there.
More on that as I find out...

Sea shells

I've always loved to look at shells on the beach. I used to search for the perfect one, the kind I saw in tourist shops. I have seen so few them, that I have occasionally wondered if they are really manufactured in China. I still don't know where those stores find them, but my quest has changed.

Somewhere along the line, I started to look at shells in a new light. The jagged edges and holes have become a story. The real treasures are the shells worn thin and smooth. I hold their translucent selves in my hand and rub, half expecting a genie to appear. I wonder at the journey that has taken them from the depths of the ocean to the sand beneath my feet. I wonder at the life of the creature that was once inside. I wonder if they were bottom dwellers or surface skimmers. I like to think they are the former.

Did you ever stop to think of what it must be like to live at the very bottom of the ocean? How some creatures never see a shimmer of of the sun's light? Their whole world is only what they can feel, or otherwise sense.
The dark, cold shrouds them.

We are like that I think. We get so wrapped up in our daily lives that it is all we can imagine. Our problems overwhelm us. They come back again and again. Sometimes, our bodies even begin to shut down. The tiniest illness beats us into the ground.

We cannot imagine the light because it has been dark for so long. Yet come it will. Like stepping into Canaan or being granted sight by a mystery man in Bible times. Eventually, the new life comes. Sometimes, it sneaks in, like morning dawn. Othertimes, a major event ushers in the new agenda. I think the shells know something about this journey. These broken treasures have surrendered control and travel in the moment. In spiritual terms, they go by faith.

The tiny shells I have held this week tell me of countless waves pushing and pulling them to the shore. Every wave brings them both closer and further to their desitination. We are so very often that shell. Life pushes us and pulls us forward. Laughter and tears mingle as we see glimpses of the goal even as setbacks assail us. Over and over, pushing and pulling us, smoothing our rough edges, making us beautiful.

In the Bible, King David speaks of dark nights and deep sorrows that are only relieved by morning, by God's deliverance (Psalm 30). I think of the times in my own life when I thought the night would never end. I think of the shells that never imagined the sun. Then, I think we are most human when we fight each wave and stiffen at the darkness. We are human when we fear the changes and difficulties around us. It is God in us when we embrace each trial and joy for what it is, another push or pull that takes us further on our journey to become the creatures God made us to be.

Someday, someone may pass us by and see, just for a moment, a shimmering glimpse of a life well lived. They will see, not just our imperfections, but our perfect, yearning hearts, longing to be close to the God who made us. Then, we will have arrived!

Life can be hard. It really can. Sometimes, you are swimming along and something big sucks you right out of your shell. Sometimes, your house gets smashed against the rocks and gets lost in the seaweed. Always, though, there is a path that leads to the light. There is always a path that leads to a richer, better life. May you each find the path God envisions for you today. May it excite you and bring you peace. The waves can be rough, and the rocks can be sharp. I know. But the joy that comes with the morning light is amazing.

Playing Telephone

Remember playing telephone as a kid? One person whispers their secret into the ear of the person next to them. The message gets lost in the spitty, whispered words. Before you know it, "My aunt wants to know how to sew." turns into "My aunt bought a cow to mow the shoes." Then everybody gets the giggles and collapses on the floor.

In real life though, it hardly ever ends this way. What's more likely is that the message gets turned awry and people feel hurt, angry or both. Even if the words are the same, tone and expression changes. Before you know it, you've disappointed the whole gang and you didn't even know it. It stinks. Every body is carrying baggage from a trip that no one even went on.

It's hard to clear the air sometimes. We sit on our feelings and hope they don't eat us for breakfast. They don't though. Instead, those feelings eat at us all day long, covering our thoughts, smothering good relationships, like moss on a stone.

That's the devil's game. Sneaking words and looks when they aren't invited. Just kick him out. Follow the traditions that make time to check on your relationships. Are you good with your neighbors? Your friends? Your families? Love them all to the best of your ability. Because chances are, they didn't mean to rub you the wrong way any more than I did.

There's no place like home

I often think how strange it is to be in my parent's house again. I'm an adult child, with two children of my own, invading another family. We have our ways; they have theirs. As I get older, and busier with my own children, I get better at not giving too many directives to my siblings. I have finally figured out that they may never see the therapeutic benefit of cleaning the house. I, in return, will never see the therapeutic benefits of giving endless devotion to Nintendo. So, we are sort of even.

People have often asked me what it's like living in a big family. My husband and I have speculated that if we set up a web cam in the house, people might pay money to see it all for themselves. It's not a bad idea. That ploy could generate an awful lot of college dough... I mean, how else could you find out the exact situation to utter the phrase, "Don't you EVER throw the cat again!"

Don't laugh. This could come up in your life. How will you know if you've gotten right? We can help. Along with this priceless gem, you can also find out what happens when a dog eats lo mein out of someone's bowl. and secondary uses for Febreeze. That's just today. Imagine the delights of tomorrow!

Being from a big family gives you admission to a special club. When I meet someone from a large family, there is a shared sigh, a knowing, "ooohh." Things that tiny, cute families don't really get. Like how it could be alright that 6 people are eating 6 different meals, while 2 others are westling to the ground, and 1 more person is demanding that whoever stole his socks be punished and the socks returned. And after the sockless wonder leaves the room, the least likely suspect sails the socks through the air, over the wrestlers, to the dog...

I know these things don't happen in every family. So I don't talk about those things. But every once in awhile, I meet someone from the club. And then, in that single sigh, we speak about socks, dog vomit, and wedgies. And then, we close up again. It's never nice to scare the innocent. It's just not good manners.

The search is on

We continue to look for housing. My children have taken to decorating themselves with markers and trashing the hotel room, with alternating moments of sweetness. My oldest periodically tells us we will ruin her life if we make her move to the "hotness" in FL. It is my hope that the search will be over by tomorrow morning. I think we are getting close.

Lay Me Down

I've tried so hard to listen to the Spirit of God in my life. Not always. But for the last 61/2 years we've been chatty. I've spent the last several years praying thatI would be who God needed me to be and where I need to be. I've had a few moments when I was belly punched along the way, but I've been moving forward.

Moving to Illinois was the right thing to do. Confirmations came over and over again. Later today, we will fly to Orlando to check out apartments. Things seem pretty silent. Bad dreams. Headlines about terror plots. Not good. I vaguely remember coming to Bloomington though. We couldn't agree on housing. Our eldest child was melting at every turn. So maybe, it gets better.

Or I could just be a girl who doesn't listen. Maybe I am supposed to stay in Mayberry. It's not everybody who gets the chance to live in a place like this. It's just so hard to find the path sometimes.

I've spent the last year with the theme "Lay Me Down." I'm trying to see who I can become if I lay all my worst fears, jealousies, and petty meanies down. I want to know what I can be used for then. There is a song that says of the Christian walk, "You [God] must increase. I must decrease. How low can I go? How low can I go? I've been trying to answer that question. But, I don't want to be a martyr. I don't think it's in my cards. I just want to be the kind of person that God can really use in this world.

Maybe, if you are a praying person, you will join me in praying that I will be who God needs me to be, where He needs me to be, and really doing what He calls me to do. Because I think if we all do it together, the answer might come in so clearly that my imperfect self will not be able to miss it.

Signing off. The sunhine girl.

Questions of the day

Q: How many lollipops does it take to get to the end the family haircut outing?
A: 5 (and one McDonald's breakfast featuring a playground)

Q: Is my child the only child who wants a DragonTales birthday party?
A: Two of the nation's largest party suppliers say yes! How about Princesses or Pirates instead.

Q: Why do people use those monster zucchini squashes in bread?
A: Because they are really bitter if eaten by themselves. Or maybe that was the oregano

Q: Will that same zucchini work in a "fajita pie?"
A: Yes. It was very tasty. I'll be happy to tell you about it if you write.

Q: What was the silliest part of the day?
A: Playing guess who games with my 5 yr old and pretending to miss all the clues.

Getting up again

Every once in awhile, I want to feel sorry for myself. I do. I want to curl up on the couch and not move for a day. Except to go to the kitchen for snacks. Probably the bathroom too. Otherwise I will just have to clean the couch when the pity party ends.

But really, who else has this kind of life? I keep thinking my life would make a good movie. It would be a black comedy called, My Bad Day. Except, I think it's leaking on to the second day now. There goes my good idea...

I have to be better than all this though. I don't want my kids to think it's ok to lay down and die when bad things happen. I don't want to be a whiner. I don't. Except today maybe.

I packed my picture albums yesterday. I cried then. Because I am not supposed to be moving because my brother is dead. And my mother. I'm not. I am supposed to be moving because ...because I don't know why. But, I do. I am moving because life is so short sometimes. There are no do overs. I want to be closer to the people I love. I want to share in their lives without it being a huge occasion. I do not want to live out of suitcases while I do it either. I want to be near enough to the ocean to go and breathe it in and have the sea's roar be louder than my own voice.

This life is crazy sometimes. So very crazy. And mean. I am counting on my God though. Sometimes, I remind Him of that. When my dad was in the hospital recently, I reminded God again. Just in case. I said, "God, you better come through. Do not let me fall." Stumbling is okay. Stubbing my toe is okay. Just push me to get back up again.

I think it's time to get up again. I don't want to be a benchwarmer in my own living room. Not really.

It's time to make a cherry pie with my daughter. Maybe read a book with her. Then, my son will wake up and he will bring us a book to read for him. I could be packing or cleaning. There's so much of that to be done. But, today I learned that someone I admire so much has cancer and it seems like a horrible way to mark that. Much better to tell my babies stories and help them learn new things about their world. Much better to let them know how wonderful they are to me.

Besides, if we make the cherry pie today, the carpets will really need to be cleaned tomorrow. It's so much better to clean when I can see the difference I've made. I've never understood those people who dust when they can't see the clean streak.

Paring down

I don't know whether moving is the right or wrong thing to do. It's the nuts thing. Of that I am sure. It really wouldn't be unreasonable if we hadn't just moved less than a year ago. Moving we are though. Before I know it, we will say goodbye to corn fields and hello to Mickey Mouse.

We have given many van loads of our things away. We have sold some. I know there is more to go. I am questioning every item. Why, oh why, did I buy that doll house from a yard sale two months ago? And I think the weebles are breeding. Although I really wanted those candlestick holders nine years ago when we married, I sold them last Sat for four dollars.

Really though, in spite of all this, I am glad we are going. We will be closer to family. I wish we had done this move before now. We weren't ready. I know this. And I have learned wonderful things in Bloomington. I think we all have. Now, we will learn wonderful things in Orlando. Just as soon as I decide whether to keep all the painting supplies.