Getting up again

Every once in awhile, I want to feel sorry for myself. I do. I want to curl up on the couch and not move for a day. Except to go to the kitchen for snacks. Probably the bathroom too. Otherwise I will just have to clean the couch when the pity party ends.

But really, who else has this kind of life? I keep thinking my life would make a good movie. It would be a black comedy called, My Bad Day. Except, I think it's leaking on to the second day now. There goes my good idea...

I have to be better than all this though. I don't want my kids to think it's ok to lay down and die when bad things happen. I don't want to be a whiner. I don't. Except today maybe.

I packed my picture albums yesterday. I cried then. Because I am not supposed to be moving because my brother is dead. And my mother. I'm not. I am supposed to be moving because ...because I don't know why. But, I do. I am moving because life is so short sometimes. There are no do overs. I want to be closer to the people I love. I want to share in their lives without it being a huge occasion. I do not want to live out of suitcases while I do it either. I want to be near enough to the ocean to go and breathe it in and have the sea's roar be louder than my own voice.

This life is crazy sometimes. So very crazy. And mean. I am counting on my God though. Sometimes, I remind Him of that. When my dad was in the hospital recently, I reminded God again. Just in case. I said, "God, you better come through. Do not let me fall." Stumbling is okay. Stubbing my toe is okay. Just push me to get back up again.

I think it's time to get up again. I don't want to be a benchwarmer in my own living room. Not really.

It's time to make a cherry pie with my daughter. Maybe read a book with her. Then, my son will wake up and he will bring us a book to read for him. I could be packing or cleaning. There's so much of that to be done. But, today I learned that someone I admire so much has cancer and it seems like a horrible way to mark that. Much better to tell my babies stories and help them learn new things about their world. Much better to let them know how wonderful they are to me.

Besides, if we make the cherry pie today, the carpets will really need to be cleaned tomorrow. It's so much better to clean when I can see the difference I've made. I've never understood those people who dust when they can't see the clean streak.