Tuesday, January 23, 2007
A Side Note
I hate those roadway crosses
And those white safety circles
each one a memorial
a whisper
Of a life gone in an instant
Keening mothers, grieving sisters
Tea steeped in tears.
Of empty rooms and aborted futures.
I hate those teddy bears
For tomorrow's angels, recruited,
From yesterday's sinners.
Each name, each marker
Makes me want to find the lonely,
The abandoned, the cheated
To say I know. I really do.
And those white safety circles
each one a memorial
a whisper
Of a life gone in an instant
Keening mothers, grieving sisters
Tea steeped in tears.
Of empty rooms and aborted futures.
I hate those teddy bears
For tomorrow's angels, recruited,
From yesterday's sinners.
Each name, each marker
Makes me want to find the lonely,
The abandoned, the cheated
To say I know. I really do.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
yammering
Geneaology is a dangerous addiction. Tonight I spent hours looking for my father's maternal lineage. I have finally found the fabled book some dead relative wrote. It's real. Of course, it was probably a vanity book and there are probably only a handful of copies in existence. Googling it shows nothing up for grabs. And the lone family copy is said to have been stolen by another far flung descendant some years ago. Dang schoolteachers... Seems a cousin took it to school for show and tell and it never came home. In any event, I have seen a reference to said book. Very exciting. Now I would like to figure out which relative was native American and what her tribal name was.
I could and should be doing so many other things, But I have always loved research. If you want to know some odd thing. I am your gal. Go figure. The hard part has always been actually writing it all up. I was the one with 25 overdue library books for 6 weeks while I thought about all the possible story lines in a project. In the end, I would wait just wait long enough for it all to flow out my fingers as I clacked in the night, white out by my side.
So, instead of studying about youth fitness tonight, I was trying to find links between far off folks. And now, I am tired, but still wound up. I have a feeling I will pay dearly tomorrow. I think it can be very comforting to know where you are in history. I research and I scrapbook. I guess it's one hand behind and one in front. I hope that doesn't mean I will let something slip in the now. Probably not. I really don't spend a lot of time in either activity these days.
On another note, I wanted to add to my post the other day. I really am fine. In fact, I am much more peaceful than I have been in sometime. There is no reason to fear or offer reassurances. Although, I do like know I am loved :)
And yet another tangent, my computer is once again being difficult. Bad, bad computer. The plug will not stay in.It is nearing the end of it's life with me. I am reluctant to let it go though. It was my first such luxury item. The first perk of being the resident domestic goddess. I do not travel to far off conferences where they ply me with good food, wine and outings. Instead, I eat spaghetti and eggs at home with children. Of course, I actually like those items, but shhh, don;t blow my cover! Now, though, I have my laptop. It was a big moment for me and I am loathe to sever our relationship. I suspect that I will fix this one AGAIN and continue to use it. I am a sentimental fool. But you all knew that...
I have met a friend here. I am so excited. A real, live, mommy friend. She's got a wicked sense of humor and down right sensible. No designer diaper bags either. We went to the science museum yesterday and she didn't even blink when my princess discovered that poophead, poophead made a nice song. Her policy is to let those sorts of things die out naturally. Not sure if I am ready to try that quite yet. But it was definitely good not to get the bad mommy stares. I hate those.
I will confess, my children go without coats if they are old enough to tell me no in some fashion. I do bring it along just in case- most of the time. They eat the same foods repeatedly. My eldest thinks I'm not any fun because she can't have heelies(sp?) I let them jump on hotel beds occasionally. And they regularly run and shout in the house. Oh yeah, I never have diaper wipes with me and I didn't write down what the kids liked and didn't like when they finally got some big people food. It was a family thing. In my family, they shove a little of whatever is around in the kids and never miss a beat with their own fork...
Alright. enough irreverence. I suspect it is truly time for some sleep. I think soon I will be saying all kinds of things that I might question tomorrow.
Good night from the land of Pixie Dust.
I could and should be doing so many other things, But I have always loved research. If you want to know some odd thing. I am your gal. Go figure. The hard part has always been actually writing it all up. I was the one with 25 overdue library books for 6 weeks while I thought about all the possible story lines in a project. In the end, I would wait just wait long enough for it all to flow out my fingers as I clacked in the night, white out by my side.
So, instead of studying about youth fitness tonight, I was trying to find links between far off folks. And now, I am tired, but still wound up. I have a feeling I will pay dearly tomorrow. I think it can be very comforting to know where you are in history. I research and I scrapbook. I guess it's one hand behind and one in front. I hope that doesn't mean I will let something slip in the now. Probably not. I really don't spend a lot of time in either activity these days.
On another note, I wanted to add to my post the other day. I really am fine. In fact, I am much more peaceful than I have been in sometime. There is no reason to fear or offer reassurances. Although, I do like know I am loved :)
And yet another tangent, my computer is once again being difficult. Bad, bad computer. The plug will not stay in.It is nearing the end of it's life with me. I am reluctant to let it go though. It was my first such luxury item. The first perk of being the resident domestic goddess. I do not travel to far off conferences where they ply me with good food, wine and outings. Instead, I eat spaghetti and eggs at home with children. Of course, I actually like those items, but shhh, don;t blow my cover! Now, though, I have my laptop. It was a big moment for me and I am loathe to sever our relationship. I suspect that I will fix this one AGAIN and continue to use it. I am a sentimental fool. But you all knew that...
I have met a friend here. I am so excited. A real, live, mommy friend. She's got a wicked sense of humor and down right sensible. No designer diaper bags either. We went to the science museum yesterday and she didn't even blink when my princess discovered that poophead, poophead made a nice song. Her policy is to let those sorts of things die out naturally. Not sure if I am ready to try that quite yet. But it was definitely good not to get the bad mommy stares. I hate those.
I will confess, my children go without coats if they are old enough to tell me no in some fashion. I do bring it along just in case- most of the time. They eat the same foods repeatedly. My eldest thinks I'm not any fun because she can't have heelies(sp?) I let them jump on hotel beds occasionally. And they regularly run and shout in the house. Oh yeah, I never have diaper wipes with me and I didn't write down what the kids liked and didn't like when they finally got some big people food. It was a family thing. In my family, they shove a little of whatever is around in the kids and never miss a beat with their own fork...
Alright. enough irreverence. I suspect it is truly time for some sleep. I think soon I will be saying all kinds of things that I might question tomorrow.
Good night from the land of Pixie Dust.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Passing through
I missed something big. I did. It was in front of my face but it was too hard to see. I just cannot control all of life. I hear some of you snickering. No need. I am sufficiently chastened.
I wanted Celebration to be our last stop for awhile. Not because it is the best place on earth. but because I don't want to move again. Now again, I hear the tsking. I *know* we don't "have" to move. But in a way, I do if I am going to be fully engaged in this experiment. Not that it has come to that. We aen't packing as I write. I just have to be open to whatever may come. And I violated that. I did not want live in the unknown so I was attempting to make everything known. And I have been mighty unhappy with the results.
So, today, I sought forgiveness for all those affected by my need to have all my ducks aligned. And I have, again, gotten back up or down as the case may be.
I was humbled by the thought that none of this is my home. We are all just passing by. We are born, carry on our causes and then we drift away. This is not an invitation to melancholy though. Instead, it is an invitation to freedom. We get caught up in the idea that we can control everything and therefore are responsible for it all. We can't and we aren't. I know some of you knew that. I bet atleast one of you didn't. Atleast I hope. Otherwise, I'll feel sooo lonely...
Today, my soul came back. I was sitting in a movie theater church. The service hadn't started for everyone else. For me it could have been all over. Except it wasn't. Sometimes, God continues bringing out the best long after you think the kitchen should or would be closed.
So there I was, finally, after almost 15 months, thinking I am going to be just fine. Maybe even better. Even though nothing has changed. Even though still I get no rewrites. I'm just passing through and that means I can stop worrying about if we are going to live here, happily ever after. Instead, I will get back to the important work of biking, walking and playing while I contemplate what it means to be really ready for the unknown. And I can't do that if I won't put down the map and loosen up on the reigns. I need to remember to rejoice in this day. For this moment. For this dream. For this tear. I give thanks for the knowledge that all of my transgressions, doubts or fears cannot hope to erase or overshadow the grace and majesty of God.
May the peace and joy I received today be yours.
I wanted Celebration to be our last stop for awhile. Not because it is the best place on earth. but because I don't want to move again. Now again, I hear the tsking. I *know* we don't "have" to move. But in a way, I do if I am going to be fully engaged in this experiment. Not that it has come to that. We aen't packing as I write. I just have to be open to whatever may come. And I violated that. I did not want live in the unknown so I was attempting to make everything known. And I have been mighty unhappy with the results.
So, today, I sought forgiveness for all those affected by my need to have all my ducks aligned. And I have, again, gotten back up or down as the case may be.
I was humbled by the thought that none of this is my home. We are all just passing by. We are born, carry on our causes and then we drift away. This is not an invitation to melancholy though. Instead, it is an invitation to freedom. We get caught up in the idea that we can control everything and therefore are responsible for it all. We can't and we aren't. I know some of you knew that. I bet atleast one of you didn't. Atleast I hope. Otherwise, I'll feel sooo lonely...
Today, my soul came back. I was sitting in a movie theater church. The service hadn't started for everyone else. For me it could have been all over. Except it wasn't. Sometimes, God continues bringing out the best long after you think the kitchen should or would be closed.
So there I was, finally, after almost 15 months, thinking I am going to be just fine. Maybe even better. Even though nothing has changed. Even though still I get no rewrites. I'm just passing through and that means I can stop worrying about if we are going to live here, happily ever after. Instead, I will get back to the important work of biking, walking and playing while I contemplate what it means to be really ready for the unknown. And I can't do that if I won't put down the map and loosen up on the reigns. I need to remember to rejoice in this day. For this moment. For this dream. For this tear. I give thanks for the knowledge that all of my transgressions, doubts or fears cannot hope to erase or overshadow the grace and majesty of God.
May the peace and joy I received today be yours.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Perfect moments
Tonight I saw Charlotte's Web.
I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I feel compelled to share the news though. It was beautiful. It was a fantastic homage to E. B White' classic. It was the right mix of humor, sadness and hope. As I rode home, children in tow, I savored the knowledge that some moments are absolutely perfect. Tonight was one of them.
I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I feel compelled to share the news though. It was beautiful. It was a fantastic homage to E. B White' classic. It was the right mix of humor, sadness and hope. As I rode home, children in tow, I savored the knowledge that some moments are absolutely perfect. Tonight was one of them.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
First night
We got back from vacation yesterday. I am so tired. Initially, the trip was not going well. The kids were sick and we were struggling to keep them happy and well-behaved in someone else's beautifully decorated apartment. As they began to feel better, but not well enough to prance all over Boston, the munchkins grew even more restless.
In spite of this, there were some highlights. For instance, I've now been to Maine. We hopped over the border from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, Maine. I love it in the North East. How can you not love a place where people regualarly go out in sweat pants. Ok. You might not. But, as for me...
We also got to see the Boston Science Museum (Wow) and the children's museum ( wow again). By the time New Yr's Eve came around, we were feeling much braver and decided to attend First Night events. If I never do another thing for New Yr's Eve again, I am satisfied with the knowledge that it could be as great as the ones I imagined as a kid, where everything is over the top-- Minus the popcorn, movies, and board games with Grandma all night it was the celebration of a lifetime. Boston's firstnight has live entertainment all day, the aquarium, the zoo, historical sites, art and science museums, ice sculptures, huge crowds and lots of energy all for 15.00 a person. There's even a parade and fireworks! We missed a ton of things, yet still feel that we saw a lot. And now, we are home, recovering.
On that note, it's time for me to get beakfast for the troops and start unpacking. I hope I can find some Very Important Papers that have gone missing. OOPS.
In spite of this, there were some highlights. For instance, I've now been to Maine. We hopped over the border from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, Maine. I love it in the North East. How can you not love a place where people regualarly go out in sweat pants. Ok. You might not. But, as for me...
We also got to see the Boston Science Museum (Wow) and the children's museum ( wow again). By the time New Yr's Eve came around, we were feeling much braver and decided to attend First Night events. If I never do another thing for New Yr's Eve again, I am satisfied with the knowledge that it could be as great as the ones I imagined as a kid, where everything is over the top-- Minus the popcorn, movies, and board games with Grandma all night it was the celebration of a lifetime. Boston's firstnight has live entertainment all day, the aquarium, the zoo, historical sites, art and science museums, ice sculptures, huge crowds and lots of energy all for 15.00 a person. There's even a parade and fireworks! We missed a ton of things, yet still feel that we saw a lot. And now, we are home, recovering.
On that note, it's time for me to get beakfast for the troops and start unpacking. I hope I can find some Very Important Papers that have gone missing. OOPS.
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