Sunday, December 23, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Rambling without a doubt
There are times I get tired of living life on the fly. I long for a house, a yard, a garden and friends to call in the middle of the day because I'm at the end of my parenting rope. I want vacation plans that are actually restful and not planned around DH's whimsical employers.
I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.
Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.
And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.
As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.
I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.
Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.
And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.
As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fear Less
I am struck this morning by words from Hebrews. They just do not want to be contained. Walk with me...
Since these children are people with physical bodies, Jesus himself became like them. He did this so that, by dying, he could destroy the one who has power of death--the devil--and free those who were like slaves all their lives because of their fear of death. Hebrews 2:14-15
I am often afraid of death. It's not fun. It smells. And it is ends everything. Or so I fear. But I KNOW it isn't so.
Because I also know that Jesus died and in some miraculous way, beat death and walked, talked, ate and prayed with his disciples after his crucifixion. And because, even in modern times, God still does miraculous things. Several years ago, I was at the gym and saw a TV report about a child who drowned in the swimming pool. EVERY body said she was dead. She had been cleared for an autopsy when suddenly, staff realized she had a pulse.
I swear to you, this was not the Enquirer, it was regular TV news. And yes, I know they lie, but I think they like to save their best for political campaigns.
More recently, I read 90 min in heaven by Don Piper. He tells a story of being hit by a large truck, being declared dead and then being suddenly found with pulse. And even talking. His story was recounted by various witnesses, both medical and ministerial. God still moves.
And yet, people die. My brother. My mother. My friends. Yours. And, so will we. Paul Reiser once said that his baby's birth meant he was being ushered out. And it's true.
So we have two choices. We can live in fear because we will some day die. Our best laid plans will be plans that fade to dust. An unfinished agenda. Or we will truly live in today.
I can what if myself to death. My mom did. Or I can teach my children to be free to live out God's plan knowing that His timing triumphs over every mortal limitation. And I won't be done until he says I'm done. Will I still grieve when another beautiful life slips home? Yes. But I'll choose to keep walking. Because I know without a doubt that if I stop walking forward I might lose sight of the light of a risen God that has kept me going thus far.
Free. I'm trying it out. I'm rolling it on my tongue. Free. Because I cast my lot with the Creator and author life. I will not suffer anything that He will not use to His glory. Nothing will be in vain. Free.
May His grace and peace be yours today. May you join me in fearing less and savoring freedom. His terms; not ours.
Since these children are people with physical bodies, Jesus himself became like them. He did this so that, by dying, he could destroy the one who has power of death--the devil--and free those who were like slaves all their lives because of their fear of death. Hebrews 2:14-15
I am often afraid of death. It's not fun. It smells. And it is ends everything. Or so I fear. But I KNOW it isn't so.
Because I also know that Jesus died and in some miraculous way, beat death and walked, talked, ate and prayed with his disciples after his crucifixion. And because, even in modern times, God still does miraculous things. Several years ago, I was at the gym and saw a TV report about a child who drowned in the swimming pool. EVERY body said she was dead. She had been cleared for an autopsy when suddenly, staff realized she had a pulse.
I swear to you, this was not the Enquirer, it was regular TV news. And yes, I know they lie, but I think they like to save their best for political campaigns.
More recently, I read 90 min in heaven by Don Piper. He tells a story of being hit by a large truck, being declared dead and then being suddenly found with pulse. And even talking. His story was recounted by various witnesses, both medical and ministerial. God still moves.
And yet, people die. My brother. My mother. My friends. Yours. And, so will we. Paul Reiser once said that his baby's birth meant he was being ushered out. And it's true.
So we have two choices. We can live in fear because we will some day die. Our best laid plans will be plans that fade to dust. An unfinished agenda. Or we will truly live in today.
I can what if myself to death. My mom did. Or I can teach my children to be free to live out God's plan knowing that His timing triumphs over every mortal limitation. And I won't be done until he says I'm done. Will I still grieve when another beautiful life slips home? Yes. But I'll choose to keep walking. Because I know without a doubt that if I stop walking forward I might lose sight of the light of a risen God that has kept me going thus far.
Free. I'm trying it out. I'm rolling it on my tongue. Free. Because I cast my lot with the Creator and author life. I will not suffer anything that He will not use to His glory. Nothing will be in vain. Free.
May His grace and peace be yours today. May you join me in fearing less and savoring freedom. His terms; not ours.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Nice neighbors
A few days later and it seems that all is not lost. The neighbors I really liked didn't actually put my barking dog or me on the wanted list. In fact, they didn't hear the dog. Or even tap dancing children. Of course, they are a bit older and he was a fighter pilot, but still. The cranky neighbors down the hall assured me it must have been a bigger dig they complained about when I offered my apologies. I assured them that my little dog feels big and that I believed the problem would be solved, although it was sadly only after two months of inconveniencing them. Not much for them to say to all that and a Have a nice evening to boot...Next stop the neighbors I find to be friendly but busy and elusive. I won't spend too much time trying to catch up with them though. I think I am ready to close the door on all of the drama. Much better to dwell on the good. And there is good. Because there is always good.
My neighbors who were horrified that a nice girl like me had been tormented by the property manager called him and told him not to leave any impression that they were in this with him. I was told to keep my barking dog for protection and not to let grumpy neighbors get the best of my muffin toting self. Of course, I can't really let the dog harass the neighbors, but it is awfully nice to have a cheerleader. Usually, my mother in law fills that rolse, but she's been sick.
Also on the plus side, I think we found a live candidate for a babysitter. Thsi one arrives on time, doesn't fusge with her arrival and departure times or spend two hours telling my DS he's adorable and slighting the princess. I'm still not sure what happened there, but hose of you who know the DD will know that sh is not usually curled up near fetal ignoring someone who might be charmed, entertained or provide enertainment. All she could say afterwards was I know I'm not a baby, but do people have to ignore me? so much for that one... but now, it appears we have a winner. And she has daytime availability! Yay! If this homeschooling is going to work, I have to figure out how to put on my oxygen mask.
More pluses: Today was day one of Angel Tree shopping. It's my number one all time favorite way to celebrate a holiday any holiday actually. However, there aren't so many trees in July, so I find them in Novemeber and January. And just like wherever you live, there are always plenty to be found. Here in town, I can walk to two. That goes back to earlier pluses...walking and biking :)
So as you can see, my hormones have stabilized and the sun still shines. Oh alright, not at 11:41 at night. Which reminds me, it's time to turn out the lights.
May your joy overflow!
My neighbors who were horrified that a nice girl like me had been tormented by the property manager called him and told him not to leave any impression that they were in this with him. I was told to keep my barking dog for protection and not to let grumpy neighbors get the best of my muffin toting self. Of course, I can't really let the dog harass the neighbors, but it is awfully nice to have a cheerleader. Usually, my mother in law fills that rolse, but she's been sick.
Also on the plus side, I think we found a live candidate for a babysitter. Thsi one arrives on time, doesn't fusge with her arrival and departure times or spend two hours telling my DS he's adorable and slighting the princess. I'm still not sure what happened there, but hose of you who know the DD will know that sh is not usually curled up near fetal ignoring someone who might be charmed, entertained or provide enertainment. All she could say afterwards was I know I'm not a baby, but do people have to ignore me? so much for that one... but now, it appears we have a winner. And she has daytime availability! Yay! If this homeschooling is going to work, I have to figure out how to put on my oxygen mask.
More pluses: Today was day one of Angel Tree shopping. It's my number one all time favorite way to celebrate a holiday any holiday actually. However, there aren't so many trees in July, so I find them in Novemeber and January. And just like wherever you live, there are always plenty to be found. Here in town, I can walk to two. That goes back to earlier pluses...walking and biking :)
So as you can see, my hormones have stabilized and the sun still shines. Oh alright, not at 11:41 at night. Which reminds me, it's time to turn out the lights.
May your joy overflow!
Monday, December 03, 2007
My loudmouth dog
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
A cheery knock to my door brought an unwelcome visitor tonight. The condo association manager had come to tell me that since SEPTEMBER my dog has been barking and annoying neighbors.
I'm appalled. I feel horrid. I really do. I like several of my neighbors very much. In fact, I was feeling guilty about moving in March because I didn't want to give them a new set of those bad, evil renters they fear and detest so much. As it turns out, I've been nothing more to them.
I told the gentleman he is not to wait two months to relay such complaints. All he has done is garnered me ill will. And oh I how I really need that on top of everything in my life. It's not enough to live in this gilded land of make believe while my husband travels entirely too much and I try to make nice to people so that one day, just before we move I can actually make friends.
I'm probably exaggerating slightly. I do have a couple of people I like. And about once a month, I have a playdate or whatnot that goes well enough that I think someday this might work out. And of course, I really do feel blessed to go to our church. It's so incredibly alive and useful in life. Quite unlike any church I've ever been to. And my husband does not always travel. In fact, he was home for two weeks and his most recent trip has been aborted and we'll pick him up midweek. But it's hard to remain chipper about things when you find out just before bedtime that your neighbors are REALLY not liking you and your loud mouth dog.
So for now, I've shut the windows and turned on the air again. I'll get the crate out of the car. Where it's probably been since September. And I'll try not to feel too badly that this wasn't address back in Sep so that I could have fixed it promptly. And if all else fails, I told the manager he could freely relate that if it isn't fixed, we'll be moving in March. No need to feel guilty about giving the nice neighbors a whole new set of transients to get used to.
Hey you know what, there is just always a bright side isn't there? Of course, I think Mr Manager wasn't sure what to make of that answer. But I truly was trying to make his job easier. After all, my dog does indeed bark at other dogs, loud children and slamming doors. And if my efforts fail, I will be moving on in March.
I'll try very hard not to wish it was back to Bloomington. Where except for my mother dying, life seemed manageable. Because maybe, being mom on call there would be any harder than being mom on call here. Except that I didn't get shunned for not being a spiffy dresser or knowing the in people.
And now, I'd better temper my obviously bonkers hormones. Good night all!
A cheery knock to my door brought an unwelcome visitor tonight. The condo association manager had come to tell me that since SEPTEMBER my dog has been barking and annoying neighbors.
I'm appalled. I feel horrid. I really do. I like several of my neighbors very much. In fact, I was feeling guilty about moving in March because I didn't want to give them a new set of those bad, evil renters they fear and detest so much. As it turns out, I've been nothing more to them.
I told the gentleman he is not to wait two months to relay such complaints. All he has done is garnered me ill will. And oh I how I really need that on top of everything in my life. It's not enough to live in this gilded land of make believe while my husband travels entirely too much and I try to make nice to people so that one day, just before we move I can actually make friends.
I'm probably exaggerating slightly. I do have a couple of people I like. And about once a month, I have a playdate or whatnot that goes well enough that I think someday this might work out. And of course, I really do feel blessed to go to our church. It's so incredibly alive and useful in life. Quite unlike any church I've ever been to. And my husband does not always travel. In fact, he was home for two weeks and his most recent trip has been aborted and we'll pick him up midweek. But it's hard to remain chipper about things when you find out just before bedtime that your neighbors are REALLY not liking you and your loud mouth dog.
So for now, I've shut the windows and turned on the air again. I'll get the crate out of the car. Where it's probably been since September. And I'll try not to feel too badly that this wasn't address back in Sep so that I could have fixed it promptly. And if all else fails, I told the manager he could freely relate that if it isn't fixed, we'll be moving in March. No need to feel guilty about giving the nice neighbors a whole new set of transients to get used to.
Hey you know what, there is just always a bright side isn't there? Of course, I think Mr Manager wasn't sure what to make of that answer. But I truly was trying to make his job easier. After all, my dog does indeed bark at other dogs, loud children and slamming doors. And if my efforts fail, I will be moving on in March.
I'll try very hard not to wish it was back to Bloomington. Where except for my mother dying, life seemed manageable. Because maybe, being mom on call there would be any harder than being mom on call here. Except that I didn't get shunned for not being a spiffy dresser or knowing the in people.
And now, I'd better temper my obviously bonkers hormones. Good night all!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Ikea opens in Orlando
Ikea has opened in Orlando. I thought about resisting an opening day visit. After all, it's a waste of gas. I didn't actually need anything from there. And, it would be packed. And it was. In the end, I could not resist. Following my DD's creative and patient explanations that she had been hoping to see such an event herself, I caved. I assure you that after visiting atleast 11 Ikeas in 3 countries, I needed little urging.
After parking 1/2 a mile away and pushing the stroller through dirt, freshly mowed hay and small trenches, we then joined thousands of people in the store. We could not move without someone in yellow directing us towards the arrows. I wanted to tell them I knew how these things worked. However, they didn't really seem to need or want my snappy replies. and so we went on. After approximately 50 yds upstairs, and an absolutely packed cafeteria, we went back dowstairs. after fortifying ourselves with Cheese Strombolis, meatballs for my little carnivores and cinnamon rolls for all we decided on a new plan.
DD wanted to go to the play area. So off she went to the supervised, ball packed, kid place. I took DS and explored the downstairs. After watching hordes of people decide on which plates, shelves and Swedish cookies to purchase I retrieved DD.
We skipped freebie umbrellas and deeply discounted opening day specials. If the lines had not covered half a football field in length and width it might have been harder. As it was, I felt relieved to have found nothing I "had" to have...other than cinnamon rolls.
And so it was, we finally went to an opening day at Ikea. We felt as though we had seen something truly special. A birthing of shopping madness and a cultural icon right her in Orlando. Now, Orlando is truly more than Mickey Mouse :)
As for me, I think I don't need to do this opening day thing again. Atleast not until the day I try a campout for the best deals on breakfast and shelving.
After parking 1/2 a mile away and pushing the stroller through dirt, freshly mowed hay and small trenches, we then joined thousands of people in the store. We could not move without someone in yellow directing us towards the arrows. I wanted to tell them I knew how these things worked. However, they didn't really seem to need or want my snappy replies. and so we went on. After approximately 50 yds upstairs, and an absolutely packed cafeteria, we went back dowstairs. after fortifying ourselves with Cheese Strombolis, meatballs for my little carnivores and cinnamon rolls for all we decided on a new plan.
DD wanted to go to the play area. So off she went to the supervised, ball packed, kid place. I took DS and explored the downstairs. After watching hordes of people decide on which plates, shelves and Swedish cookies to purchase I retrieved DD.
We skipped freebie umbrellas and deeply discounted opening day specials. If the lines had not covered half a football field in length and width it might have been harder. As it was, I felt relieved to have found nothing I "had" to have...other than cinnamon rolls.
And so it was, we finally went to an opening day at Ikea. We felt as though we had seen something truly special. A birthing of shopping madness and a cultural icon right her in Orlando. Now, Orlando is truly more than Mickey Mouse :)
As for me, I think I don't need to do this opening day thing again. Atleast not until the day I try a campout for the best deals on breakfast and shelving.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Busy, busy, busy
Even though it's almost October, things are heating up here in sunny Celebration. In addition to the usual suspects and events, we're adding a few new ones to the mix. This week, I'll be kicking off a walking group here in town. Twice a week we'll meet to renew our spirits, energize our bodies and wear down our shoe leather. Armed with my trusty bag of tricks for the kids, a new devotion for every session and a first aid kit, we'll be out and about growing stronger with each step.
During this time, I'll be blogging more often. I'll be talking about change, purpose, courage and more. I hope you'll tune in and spread the word. Maybe you can start your own little group in your corner of the world. If you do, be sure to drop me a line, here or via email: dlacker@hotmail.com
When our stories are connected we suddenly turn into an amazing book filled with compassion, dreams and zesty living.
During this time, I'll be blogging more often. I'll be talking about change, purpose, courage and more. I hope you'll tune in and spread the word. Maybe you can start your own little group in your corner of the world. If you do, be sure to drop me a line, here or via email: dlacker@hotmail.com
When our stories are connected we suddenly turn into an amazing book filled with compassion, dreams and zesty living.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Falling into things
There's a lot happening in our little corner of the world. DH continues to travel. Kids continue to grow. I continue to find new mischief.
Last month marked the beginning of our official start in homeschooling. It's a subject that inspires all kinds of comments....some nice and some not so nice. The fact is that I often find it strange that we are doing it. Like a magnet, it's been pulling us inward since DD was an infant.
And so, I've spent the last several years reading everything I could find on the subject and making friends with homeschooling families. I find they come in all varieties. There are granolas, conservatives, gypsies and drop outs. Every family has their own take on it. Like fingerprints or seashells. No one does it quite like the other. So here we are. Trying to make it all work.
The bummer of it all is that I am really forced to examine my own character flaws. That part is not so fun.
We're lucky though. We have found a wonderful private school that has a separate homeschool program, in addition to a mighty fine conventional program. Families may choose one day or two day options. It's a bit far and not exactly inexpensive. We are going for the one day a week choice. Thus far, DD loves it. She gets play time, gymnastics, stories, experiments and a chance to make a working relationship with a "teacher". A little tradition is not a bad thing. All parents are highly committed to helping their children really have a wide variety of experiences. The kids are excited to be there. And I must confess, I do like having the social outlet myself.
It is so strange how I find myself on this path though. I always thought I wanted to be the room mother. It turns out I want to be the teacher. It's so neat to watch someone get it. And it's even better when you can help and not force it to happen. Those are the best moments. The worst are when every body needs something right at that moment and I think my head will explode. That's what I mean about my own character flaws. Gotta work on deep breathing, priorities and expectations. It will come.
I do think I would be happier working with several children at a time. It's too quiet with just us sometimes. I guess that's the hazard of big families. You like a little chaos in your life :)
Seriously though, I have been fantasizing that someday, I'll be in my own little one room schoolhouse. Not sure where it will be though. Am I ever ;)
Last month marked the beginning of our official start in homeschooling. It's a subject that inspires all kinds of comments....some nice and some not so nice. The fact is that I often find it strange that we are doing it. Like a magnet, it's been pulling us inward since DD was an infant.
And so, I've spent the last several years reading everything I could find on the subject and making friends with homeschooling families. I find they come in all varieties. There are granolas, conservatives, gypsies and drop outs. Every family has their own take on it. Like fingerprints or seashells. No one does it quite like the other. So here we are. Trying to make it all work.
The bummer of it all is that I am really forced to examine my own character flaws. That part is not so fun.
We're lucky though. We have found a wonderful private school that has a separate homeschool program, in addition to a mighty fine conventional program. Families may choose one day or two day options. It's a bit far and not exactly inexpensive. We are going for the one day a week choice. Thus far, DD loves it. She gets play time, gymnastics, stories, experiments and a chance to make a working relationship with a "teacher". A little tradition is not a bad thing. All parents are highly committed to helping their children really have a wide variety of experiences. The kids are excited to be there. And I must confess, I do like having the social outlet myself.
It is so strange how I find myself on this path though. I always thought I wanted to be the room mother. It turns out I want to be the teacher. It's so neat to watch someone get it. And it's even better when you can help and not force it to happen. Those are the best moments. The worst are when every body needs something right at that moment and I think my head will explode. That's what I mean about my own character flaws. Gotta work on deep breathing, priorities and expectations. It will come.
I do think I would be happier working with several children at a time. It's too quiet with just us sometimes. I guess that's the hazard of big families. You like a little chaos in your life :)
Seriously though, I have been fantasizing that someday, I'll be in my own little one room schoolhouse. Not sure where it will be though. Am I ever ;)
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Promises
It's funny. I've no idea how long it's been since I've posted. I think it's been an eternity. We've been to NC and back. I gardened, reflected and put down more heart roots in NC. Now we are back. Although I long for a house to nest in, I really don't believe it is here for the long term. I do believe I am here for the time being though and am to bloom in the planting.
Part of me dreads being here. It seems so high profile. I hate political news that brings terroism updates. I imagine Orlando being a great target. On the other hand, living in fear will deprive me of the chance to live out my call here. And I do believe it was a call to come here, it certainly was not my top choice. Over and over again, I see God's plan unfolding and I am reduced to silence as I see how our lives might grow.
So for now, I seek to know my neighbors better. I savor the week in NC. I stick out the heat. I resist the temptation to pack it all up and move on. I rejoice and take comfort in the gift of an amazing church.
Celebrate Church is the kind of church that gives me a glimpse of how people could have been so excited by Jesus they would have risked everything to follow him. Social conventions and familial expectations can be severe. Yet, some people were willing to walk away from it all to follow Jesus. In all my years of church attendance and in all the churches I have visited, I have never seen such amazing love and dedication as in this funny movie theater church. My wish for everyone is to have a church like this in their lives.
Celebrate exists to know and love people. It seeks to introduce people to God and his loving son in response to the grace and power its various members have experienced, not out of fear and condemnation. Fear and the after life seems very minor to the glory and purpose of a life spent walking with an awesome God. And the people respond. It's beautiful to see the lives changed.
In fact, every time I contemplate throwing in the towel here, I am reminded of this church and how God will sustain our family here and we will come to our own personal promised land. And my personal promised land has room for a garden, maybe a chicken and perhaps a downtown with stores I would actually shop at :). And I am reminded of how much I have to learn about walking with and trusting God.
In the meantime, I better get some sleep because I'm on my own tomorrow and my babies will give me a run for my money.
Part of me dreads being here. It seems so high profile. I hate political news that brings terroism updates. I imagine Orlando being a great target. On the other hand, living in fear will deprive me of the chance to live out my call here. And I do believe it was a call to come here, it certainly was not my top choice. Over and over again, I see God's plan unfolding and I am reduced to silence as I see how our lives might grow.
So for now, I seek to know my neighbors better. I savor the week in NC. I stick out the heat. I resist the temptation to pack it all up and move on. I rejoice and take comfort in the gift of an amazing church.
Celebrate Church is the kind of church that gives me a glimpse of how people could have been so excited by Jesus they would have risked everything to follow him. Social conventions and familial expectations can be severe. Yet, some people were willing to walk away from it all to follow Jesus. In all my years of church attendance and in all the churches I have visited, I have never seen such amazing love and dedication as in this funny movie theater church. My wish for everyone is to have a church like this in their lives.
Celebrate exists to know and love people. It seeks to introduce people to God and his loving son in response to the grace and power its various members have experienced, not out of fear and condemnation. Fear and the after life seems very minor to the glory and purpose of a life spent walking with an awesome God. And the people respond. It's beautiful to see the lives changed.
In fact, every time I contemplate throwing in the towel here, I am reminded of this church and how God will sustain our family here and we will come to our own personal promised land. And my personal promised land has room for a garden, maybe a chicken and perhaps a downtown with stores I would actually shop at :). And I am reminded of how much I have to learn about walking with and trusting God.
In the meantime, I better get some sleep because I'm on my own tomorrow and my babies will give me a run for my money.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Milestone moments
My DD passed a milestone tonight. She has a favorite song and it isn't a Barney song. Very strange. I still remember having to sing I've been working on the railroad to get through the grocery store. Good news though. she still joins in when I sing Head and Shoulders to amuse her brother. I don't think I'm up to a complete metamorphasis just yet.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Oh Canada!
I remember now how much I love about Canada. It's not enough that it's beautiful. Or that Canadian's have a lyrical way of speaking that really does end with "eh." There's the fact that donuts are a national treasure. Ok, I may be exaggerating, but they do take their donuts very seriously here. I respect that. donuts have to be my number one child hood comfort food. Forget all my fancy fitness knowledge while I go on for a minute here. There's no dunkin donuts here. tim Horton is the chain name and there are plenty of those. But there are also many others who advertise their freshly made wares. My head turns backwards at every sign and my voice says with satisfaction, "oh." And yet, I still haven't had a single one on this trip. because I know that once I start, there may be no return :)
That aside, I love how friendly people are here. Of couse, not everybody is. I'm not a dope. But realy, I find that people are far more polite and friendly here. And funny. It may that this is British Columbia and sarcasm is a fine art here.
The dinge on the buildings takes me aback though. Weather can be harsh here and the buildings take a beating. Paint is grey and chipped. The air is kind of grey. But there is a briskness that helps to compensate and a greenery that seduces. I went to walk around Home Depot this morning just to fantasize about garden possibilities on my patio back home. Yes folks, Home Depot is here too.
I'm also not sure what to think about the fact that the Canadian Lunie (dollar) has caught up with America's George. I think I rather liked being the wealthy tourist. Now, the Canadian economy is doing jsut fine without us. I guess the rest of the world isn't having much confidence in America these days. Of course, I had a clue from various world articles, but there is nothing like seeing it all up close, with your wallet.
It's good to be back here. It'll be good to go back too. Sure, I'll miss the mountain range view from the ocean. Eventually, I'll quit wondering where I lost the disposable camera full of great pictures. I'll be conent without knowing that Ikea is only 20 minutes away. After all, I'm supposed to be in purge mode still. And finally, once I go home, I can stop salivating at the thought of all these donuts!
That aside, I love how friendly people are here. Of couse, not everybody is. I'm not a dope. But realy, I find that people are far more polite and friendly here. And funny. It may that this is British Columbia and sarcasm is a fine art here.
The dinge on the buildings takes me aback though. Weather can be harsh here and the buildings take a beating. Paint is grey and chipped. The air is kind of grey. But there is a briskness that helps to compensate and a greenery that seduces. I went to walk around Home Depot this morning just to fantasize about garden possibilities on my patio back home. Yes folks, Home Depot is here too.
I'm also not sure what to think about the fact that the Canadian Lunie (dollar) has caught up with America's George. I think I rather liked being the wealthy tourist. Now, the Canadian economy is doing jsut fine without us. I guess the rest of the world isn't having much confidence in America these days. Of course, I had a clue from various world articles, but there is nothing like seeing it all up close, with your wallet.
It's good to be back here. It'll be good to go back too. Sure, I'll miss the mountain range view from the ocean. Eventually, I'll quit wondering where I lost the disposable camera full of great pictures. I'll be conent without knowing that Ikea is only 20 minutes away. After all, I'm supposed to be in purge mode still. And finally, once I go home, I can stop salivating at the thought of all these donuts!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Vancouver
After a bit of whirlwind, we find ourselves in Langley, BC, outside of Vancouver. It's beautiful here. Mountains, forests, streams and one very, very nice downtown area. Being the northwest, it also has an encouraging number of holistic health practitioners and alternative lifestyles. While, I haven't seen any slings yet, I have seen an impressive amount of health food stores, martial arts and fair trade stores. There will be atleas half a dozen farmers markets over the course of a week. This weekend, there will be a no car party in Vancouver proper. It all makes me feel as if I live in the wrong place. None of these things are really an easy thing to pursue in the south. although, my old town, Marietta now has a couple of locally grown farmers markets going. YAY!!
Any way. So we are here in beautiful British Columbia. We'll be here for about two weeks. Then we are scheduled to fly home. DH will hopefully know his next assignment by then. I find myself hoping it is on the west coast and that we can just stay out here. Unlike Dorothy, I do not want to go home just yet. I'd rather do laundry and dishes here, with stock piled quarters and in a dinky mini sink. Go figure.
Kids are set to wake up soon. We have black out curtains on the wondow. I love those. People can sleep really well when you mess with the lighting :) Of course, out here, it still is 630AM. That all being said, my DD just woke up and it's time to get breakfast ans get started on the day.
Signing off.
Any way. So we are here in beautiful British Columbia. We'll be here for about two weeks. Then we are scheduled to fly home. DH will hopefully know his next assignment by then. I find myself hoping it is on the west coast and that we can just stay out here. Unlike Dorothy, I do not want to go home just yet. I'd rather do laundry and dishes here, with stock piled quarters and in a dinky mini sink. Go figure.
Kids are set to wake up soon. We have black out curtains on the wondow. I love those. People can sleep really well when you mess with the lighting :) Of course, out here, it still is 630AM. That all being said, my DD just woke up and it's time to get breakfast ans get started on the day.
Signing off.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Who knew?
We went to Gator Land today. For those of you who don;t know, Gatorland is a kitschy Old Florida attraction with A LOT of alligators. Who would have thought!
It was abit unnerving at first. Reptiles are not my favorites. Hard to imagine they have a place in the universe. Also hard to say which fear is greater, snakes or alligators. I think I have to go with snakes because it's easier to avoid alligators.
My DS, who has very little fear, would touch anything that he found-dead or alive. My DD can usually be given some reason, and I try to be truthful, saying that it's beyond my comfort zone and she has to wait for another adult. Yay, a breather!
All in all though, it was a wonderful day. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.
It was abit unnerving at first. Reptiles are not my favorites. Hard to imagine they have a place in the universe. Also hard to say which fear is greater, snakes or alligators. I think I have to go with snakes because it's easier to avoid alligators.
My DS, who has very little fear, would touch anything that he found-dead or alive. My DD can usually be given some reason, and I try to be truthful, saying that it's beyond my comfort zone and she has to wait for another adult. Yay, a breather!
All in all though, it was a wonderful day. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.
Be contagious
As I read the news today, I had to shake my head at how cruel it is sometimes. Rapes, murders, drug abuse, poverty. All the signs and symptoms of humans "in control" or out of it as the case may be.
I'm reading a history book to DD, among other lighthearted choices, and she wants to know how come wars happen. I try to explain but somehow, my answers don't really do it. Yours probably don't either.
Instead, I have to fall back on the knowledge that through it all is the presence of a God who would love to reign over a peaceful, majestic world. And until he takes back the precious heirloom He let his children hold, this world will have and continue to show cracks, chips and down right disaster.
So one step at a time I think. Father may I want your will above all else. May I crave your ways over mine. May it be a contagious spirit.
I'm reading a history book to DD, among other lighthearted choices, and she wants to know how come wars happen. I try to explain but somehow, my answers don't really do it. Yours probably don't either.
Instead, I have to fall back on the knowledge that through it all is the presence of a God who would love to reign over a peaceful, majestic world. And until he takes back the precious heirloom He let his children hold, this world will have and continue to show cracks, chips and down right disaster.
So one step at a time I think. Father may I want your will above all else. May I crave your ways over mine. May it be a contagious spirit.
Friday, May 18, 2007
We're back
If it's not one thing, it's another. We've had our ample share of germs flying and oozing around here this week. Nice image, huh? I couldn't resist sharing. It was a secondary cost to our very, very fine vaation. And considering how much we enjoyed it, it seems like a small price to pay. Of course, that may also be because I went to the Dr's today and got some antibiotics for the kidlets. I wasn't feeling up to week 2 of sickness.
It just occurs to me now that I am indeed doing less talking in general these days. This could be because we haven't been around too many people. I will be tested no doubt when I finally speak to another adult living person in RL. Perhaps, that will happen next week :)
In another direction, I've been thinking about one of my favorite topics lately: Resiliency. Why one fishy makes it and the other doesn't. That sort of thing. We all know people who have made it against tough odds. They came from nothing and built an empire. Or they lost everything and yet filled the world with such grace that everything else fell away. Those are the people who make us proud, envious and even shamed somestimes. I love those stories. Extreme Chicken soup stuff.
I've read various books and studies on the subject, but I'm hoping for a bit more. If you or someone you know has an incredible story to tell, please send them my way. I'm convinced that these stories can make a huge difference for someone else. I'm a blabber mouth by nature. But there's only so much I can say about wonder drugs from the pediatrician or even alligators for that matter. It's when I get to hear and share the real joys and miracles of life that things get fun around here.
So toss around that life story of yours that you've been mulling over. Pass on your best buddies or coworkers name, with their permission of course. Share some of the lessons you've already learned, because neither I, nor the readers here, or the audiences I meet will have time to make all the mistakes to be made on their own dime. Get connected and help change the world! ( blabbermouth and an optimist...hopeless :)
Send your private responses to dlacker@hotmail.com
It just occurs to me now that I am indeed doing less talking in general these days. This could be because we haven't been around too many people. I will be tested no doubt when I finally speak to another adult living person in RL. Perhaps, that will happen next week :)
In another direction, I've been thinking about one of my favorite topics lately: Resiliency. Why one fishy makes it and the other doesn't. That sort of thing. We all know people who have made it against tough odds. They came from nothing and built an empire. Or they lost everything and yet filled the world with such grace that everything else fell away. Those are the people who make us proud, envious and even shamed somestimes. I love those stories. Extreme Chicken soup stuff.
I've read various books and studies on the subject, but I'm hoping for a bit more. If you or someone you know has an incredible story to tell, please send them my way. I'm convinced that these stories can make a huge difference for someone else. I'm a blabber mouth by nature. But there's only so much I can say about wonder drugs from the pediatrician or even alligators for that matter. It's when I get to hear and share the real joys and miracles of life that things get fun around here.
So toss around that life story of yours that you've been mulling over. Pass on your best buddies or coworkers name, with their permission of course. Share some of the lessons you've already learned, because neither I, nor the readers here, or the audiences I meet will have time to make all the mistakes to be made on their own dime. Get connected and help change the world! ( blabbermouth and an optimist...hopeless :)
Send your private responses to dlacker@hotmail.com
Friday, May 04, 2007
Looking up and on
I know I've been pretty quiet lately. It's been busy in a good way. We've been busy with things like paints, scissors and glue. Then there's been the packing and driving. We've been doing lots of reading. It seems trivial when I put it down, but these all used to be regular things in our days. Normal until the bottom fell out of my careful, know it all Attachment Parenting/homeschool prone life. So their return signifies a healing that has come. And I am profoundly grateful.
We celebrated my brother's 2yr anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And my mom's 1yr date is coming next week. I know there is no amount of time or events that make it all right, good things have happened that bring blessings beneath the shadow of the events. Some day, I wonder if these events will overshadow the actual event. I both hope and do not.
The young lady my brother had been seeing had a wake up call and returned to school. She just finished her program with honors and is now looking for a job. She brought along a friend on the adventure. Two lives challenged to rise above. Yay God! My mother is gone, but my dad works much harder at being involved in the lives of my siblings. Yay God! Nothing will bring loved ones back back, but I treasure ordinary days much more than I might have otherwise. Yay God! Awkward moments when someone is stressed or tired might have been moments to gloss over before. I worried too much about what they might think of me. Now I know the opportunity to share love and peace is worth way more than pride. I seek to pass on the grace that I have been given. Yay God!
And, I noticed that I talk too much sometimes. So I'm listening more. Funny thing for someone to say on a blog, the ultimate modern soapbox. It's true though. I've probably missed some really fabulous stories along the way. SO, I'm trying to listen more and talk less. Sometimes I succeed :)
When I return from my upcoming trip, I hope to start a new project. I'm excited about it and am working out the details. I hope many of you will be excited as well and want to help.
Until next time, may grace find you in big and small ways. May you live in the boldness of a God who created you, a beautiful note in a magnificent symphony. Play your part with gusto!
We celebrated my brother's 2yr anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And my mom's 1yr date is coming next week. I know there is no amount of time or events that make it all right, good things have happened that bring blessings beneath the shadow of the events. Some day, I wonder if these events will overshadow the actual event. I both hope and do not.
The young lady my brother had been seeing had a wake up call and returned to school. She just finished her program with honors and is now looking for a job. She brought along a friend on the adventure. Two lives challenged to rise above. Yay God! My mother is gone, but my dad works much harder at being involved in the lives of my siblings. Yay God! Nothing will bring loved ones back back, but I treasure ordinary days much more than I might have otherwise. Yay God! Awkward moments when someone is stressed or tired might have been moments to gloss over before. I worried too much about what they might think of me. Now I know the opportunity to share love and peace is worth way more than pride. I seek to pass on the grace that I have been given. Yay God!
And, I noticed that I talk too much sometimes. So I'm listening more. Funny thing for someone to say on a blog, the ultimate modern soapbox. It's true though. I've probably missed some really fabulous stories along the way. SO, I'm trying to listen more and talk less. Sometimes I succeed :)
When I return from my upcoming trip, I hope to start a new project. I'm excited about it and am working out the details. I hope many of you will be excited as well and want to help.
Until next time, may grace find you in big and small ways. May you live in the boldness of a God who created you, a beautiful note in a magnificent symphony. Play your part with gusto!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
And then some
DH is NOT going to be on the bench after all. As always, we are being taken care of in ways we cannot even guess. He is already en route to his next assignment. He has been sent to just the assignment he was hoping for but had almost given up that hope.
There are times I am just delighted to be on this crazy adventure called life! I am totally and completely captivated by the wondrous things God can do.
I like to think that my mom is watching the events of our life and is excited and amazed by it all.
Tomorrow, I will join the homeschool group here in town for a field trip. I want it to go well. I've been skittish of the group for various reasons. However, it's time to get over myself and find out what they are all about. Every body has a story and I'll never learn it if I am too shy/prideful/worried or distracted to learn it.
There are times I am just delighted to be on this crazy adventure called life! I am totally and completely captivated by the wondrous things God can do.
I like to think that my mom is watching the events of our life and is excited and amazed by it all.
Tomorrow, I will join the homeschool group here in town for a field trip. I want it to go well. I've been skittish of the group for various reasons. However, it's time to get over myself and find out what they are all about. Every body has a story and I'll never learn it if I am too shy/prideful/worried or distracted to learn it.
Monday, April 09, 2007
family updates
Just wanted to switch gears and give a brief update on the crew.
We are all well, although DH is about to be on the bench again. This means he has no client after his current job. We are waiting to see what the next opportunity will be. The kids are fighting off colds, so there are a lot of chapped lips and noses here.
DD has started TAe Kwon Do. She has been taking classes for about 6weeks now. She is the smallest one in her class, but oh so feisty. I had to explain to her that she is not to use or threaten to use her skills on someone outside of practice unless she is in danger. Normal stuff for kids. They are so excited about their new found hobby that they want to try it out and see if it works.
The school has started a day class for grownups. I am beyond excited. The first day, I woke up hours early. The kids are adjusting to amusing themselves during the practice time. There are toys, videos and books at this very family friendly school.
Noah watches all of this and tries to run on the mat occasionally. He also mimics his sister when she is stretching or jumping. It's very cute!
I feel compelled to mention the dog. He is, as usual, terribly neglected. We do walk and feed him, most of the time with regularity. He still sleeps on the bed when there is room. But the days of toys and chewies are mostly gone. Poor doggy!
And our really big excitement is that we will go on a cruise in a few weeks. We have never been on a vacation of this magnitude before. We are SO excited. It has been booked for sometime. We'll be joined by several members of DH's family. Have I mentioned we are excited? My big hope is that the children like the kid's club so that we can leave them there several times over the week. I'm pretty sure I can hear the spa and hot tubs calling my name from here!
Enough click clack from me!
It's time to make lunch.
We are all well, although DH is about to be on the bench again. This means he has no client after his current job. We are waiting to see what the next opportunity will be. The kids are fighting off colds, so there are a lot of chapped lips and noses here.
DD has started TAe Kwon Do. She has been taking classes for about 6weeks now. She is the smallest one in her class, but oh so feisty. I had to explain to her that she is not to use or threaten to use her skills on someone outside of practice unless she is in danger. Normal stuff for kids. They are so excited about their new found hobby that they want to try it out and see if it works.
The school has started a day class for grownups. I am beyond excited. The first day, I woke up hours early. The kids are adjusting to amusing themselves during the practice time. There are toys, videos and books at this very family friendly school.
Noah watches all of this and tries to run on the mat occasionally. He also mimics his sister when she is stretching or jumping. It's very cute!
I feel compelled to mention the dog. He is, as usual, terribly neglected. We do walk and feed him, most of the time with regularity. He still sleeps on the bed when there is room. But the days of toys and chewies are mostly gone. Poor doggy!
And our really big excitement is that we will go on a cruise in a few weeks. We have never been on a vacation of this magnitude before. We are SO excited. It has been booked for sometime. We'll be joined by several members of DH's family. Have I mentioned we are excited? My big hope is that the children like the kid's club so that we can leave them there several times over the week. I'm pretty sure I can hear the spa and hot tubs calling my name from here!
Enough click clack from me!
It's time to make lunch.
Happy Easter
Lent is officially over! Woohoo! So what did I learn from all this vegan exploration and self denial?
I can get grumpy when I have to give up some control and pleasure. I had to consciously make myself move on from the temptation to be crabby.
It was easier for my husband, but as time went on, he realized other things that might be an issue, as did I.
I learned to think about other things and not dwell on whether I might be fat or not. Even though I was not eating meat, dairy or eggs, I was the closest to not worrying about my food that I have been since childhood.
God wants to do bigger and better things in all of our lives, but we have to invite Him to do it.
I can let God help me with everything. Including what to do when the kids put shaving cream, cereal, sand or legos everywhere.
That forty days is both long and short depending on what you are up to.
Finally, that Easter is an amazing expression of product delivery. Jesus said no one and nothing would keep Him from bring us closer to the Father. Nothing could take His life unless He chose to give it. And it didn't. The same God who parted the sea, tamed lions and gave sight to the blind sent His spirit, His Son, a human form, named Jesus, to help us get through whatever wears us down. He is a God of grace. So no matter how hard I or anyone else tries to be good, no matter how many omelettes I skip, I still won't be able to rise above all of life's down and dirty fastballs without some major back up. That's where that grace comes in. Try as I might to get it all right, I won't. I'll get tired, grumpy, discouraged or angry. And when I do, God can cover the rest and make me more than enough for whatever situation I'm in. If I let Him.
Now that Lent is over, I'm hesitant to embrace the things that made me more mindful. I am thinking of a new way to keep focused.
If you've got something that really works in your life, I'd love to hear it. I can be reached at dlacker@hotmail.com
May the joy of Spring be yours!
I can get grumpy when I have to give up some control and pleasure. I had to consciously make myself move on from the temptation to be crabby.
It was easier for my husband, but as time went on, he realized other things that might be an issue, as did I.
I learned to think about other things and not dwell on whether I might be fat or not. Even though I was not eating meat, dairy or eggs, I was the closest to not worrying about my food that I have been since childhood.
God wants to do bigger and better things in all of our lives, but we have to invite Him to do it.
I can let God help me with everything. Including what to do when the kids put shaving cream, cereal, sand or legos everywhere.
That forty days is both long and short depending on what you are up to.
Finally, that Easter is an amazing expression of product delivery. Jesus said no one and nothing would keep Him from bring us closer to the Father. Nothing could take His life unless He chose to give it. And it didn't. The same God who parted the sea, tamed lions and gave sight to the blind sent His spirit, His Son, a human form, named Jesus, to help us get through whatever wears us down. He is a God of grace. So no matter how hard I or anyone else tries to be good, no matter how many omelettes I skip, I still won't be able to rise above all of life's down and dirty fastballs without some major back up. That's where that grace comes in. Try as I might to get it all right, I won't. I'll get tired, grumpy, discouraged or angry. And when I do, God can cover the rest and make me more than enough for whatever situation I'm in. If I let Him.
Now that Lent is over, I'm hesitant to embrace the things that made me more mindful. I am thinking of a new way to keep focused.
If you've got something that really works in your life, I'd love to hear it. I can be reached at dlacker@hotmail.com
May the joy of Spring be yours!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
confession
I had a thought. Just one. They can be so fleeting :)
I've been wrong about confession. I heard all those hyms and saw the alter calls and thought Salvation was about us stumbling our way home. And although I still think that's part of it. I know there's more.
It's not all about us and our inadequacies.
It's about God. It's about us making the first move to know Him.
Here's how it goes.
God, this is who I am. I am impatient, headstrong and sometimes impulsive and cranky.
Who are you?
God then wraps me in His arms and shows me.
He is a creator, an inventor, a healer, a provider, a teacher, a counselor, and a friend.
The more I seek to know Him, the more He reveals. It's almost as if He's shy. But He's not. He knows I would run away of I saw and felt all of His power, intention and knowledge at once. So instead, he goes at my pace.
But first, I have to start the conversation. Sometimes, confession is a good place to start.
I've been wrong about confession. I heard all those hyms and saw the alter calls and thought Salvation was about us stumbling our way home. And although I still think that's part of it. I know there's more.
It's not all about us and our inadequacies.
It's about God. It's about us making the first move to know Him.
Here's how it goes.
God, this is who I am. I am impatient, headstrong and sometimes impulsive and cranky.
Who are you?
God then wraps me in His arms and shows me.
He is a creator, an inventor, a healer, a provider, a teacher, a counselor, and a friend.
The more I seek to know Him, the more He reveals. It's almost as if He's shy. But He's not. He knows I would run away of I saw and felt all of His power, intention and knowledge at once. So instead, he goes at my pace.
But first, I have to start the conversation. Sometimes, confession is a good place to start.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Home again
It's amazing how much you can get slammed with after an especially wonderful and uplifting time with God. This may sound odd to some and make perfect sense to others.
The story is this:
After several weeks of study and prayer, I led a short study in Atlanta for a women's group at Powers Ferry UMC. The study went well. My visit to Atlanta was restorative and uplifting. I had lots of creative ideas for what to do next here at home. Then it came time to actually go home.
I did NOT want to go! I dragged my feet. I added another day. We stopped in Ocala to visit my MIL. We finally arrived home to find the cleaning fairy had skipped our house. Rats! I'd better leave cookies next time... So there were all the clothes and toys we hadn't brought on the trip. Plus, a hundred little papers and dust bunnies. Topping it off were two kids who were just all done with sitting quietly. Maybe it wasn't all that bad now that I think about it. It just seemed awful because it was such a let down. Who would have imagined that coming home to the land next to the Land of Pixie Dust could be such a bummer?
The first morning we were still tired and grumpy until we went for a walk. By the time we arrived home after lunch, things had brightened considerably. By bed time I was feeling much better and able to cope with things here.
One of the last things I read last night was about how we often need to reclaim God's peace over and over again. You know, when we get all upset upset over something, tell ourselves we will let it go, but then we can't? Choosing peace is not the same as being passive. It's much harder.
When I was awakened this morning at the crazy hour of 5 something, I first questioned it. But I decided that spending a little time with God might do me way more good than a little extra sleep. The Psalms I read oddly centered on God's protection in troubling times. God's steadfast presence and later verses highlighted Jesus's commitment to bring peace to our lives. As an added bonus, I went back to sleep after a bit and everyone slept an extra 50 minutes. Woohoo!!!
Today, I saw my grumpy mood for what it was. A spiritual enemy (yes, I do believe in such things) trying to distract my focus from my purpose here. Not that I know my exact purpose, but I'm pretty sure it does not include sitting in my sunny, condo with a water view and moping about how none of my friends are here. It was an attempt to rattle my confidence in a God who pulled everything together last week and many, many other times before. And when I called it as such, my peace began to return and the grumpies faded. Go figure.
Thank you to all of you who send notes and comment publicly. It really helps me to strive for faithfulness. A little accountability goes a long way. Without it, I might sucked into the grinch vortex!
The story is this:
After several weeks of study and prayer, I led a short study in Atlanta for a women's group at Powers Ferry UMC. The study went well. My visit to Atlanta was restorative and uplifting. I had lots of creative ideas for what to do next here at home. Then it came time to actually go home.
I did NOT want to go! I dragged my feet. I added another day. We stopped in Ocala to visit my MIL. We finally arrived home to find the cleaning fairy had skipped our house. Rats! I'd better leave cookies next time... So there were all the clothes and toys we hadn't brought on the trip. Plus, a hundred little papers and dust bunnies. Topping it off were two kids who were just all done with sitting quietly. Maybe it wasn't all that bad now that I think about it. It just seemed awful because it was such a let down. Who would have imagined that coming home to the land next to the Land of Pixie Dust could be such a bummer?
The first morning we were still tired and grumpy until we went for a walk. By the time we arrived home after lunch, things had brightened considerably. By bed time I was feeling much better and able to cope with things here.
One of the last things I read last night was about how we often need to reclaim God's peace over and over again. You know, when we get all upset upset over something, tell ourselves we will let it go, but then we can't? Choosing peace is not the same as being passive. It's much harder.
When I was awakened this morning at the crazy hour of 5 something, I first questioned it. But I decided that spending a little time with God might do me way more good than a little extra sleep. The Psalms I read oddly centered on God's protection in troubling times. God's steadfast presence and later verses highlighted Jesus's commitment to bring peace to our lives. As an added bonus, I went back to sleep after a bit and everyone slept an extra 50 minutes. Woohoo!!!
Today, I saw my grumpy mood for what it was. A spiritual enemy (yes, I do believe in such things) trying to distract my focus from my purpose here. Not that I know my exact purpose, but I'm pretty sure it does not include sitting in my sunny, condo with a water view and moping about how none of my friends are here. It was an attempt to rattle my confidence in a God who pulled everything together last week and many, many other times before. And when I called it as such, my peace began to return and the grumpies faded. Go figure.
Thank you to all of you who send notes and comment publicly. It really helps me to strive for faithfulness. A little accountability goes a long way. Without it, I might sucked into the grinch vortex!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Just a thought
I often wonder what God has in mind for us here. I do not feel at home in this place. I try and remember that none of this is supposed to be my home. But, you know what I mean. It's nice to know your place in the world. Good to know you have foks you could call in a pinch. It's comforting to know you have people who have seen you with mismatched clothes and love you anyway. I have all that. Just not here.
It's hard to imagine I would have that here actually. There are so few moments when I really click with someone these days. I spend a disproportianate amount of time wondering what I should have said or done differently. It's like being in Jr High.
In spite of these feelings, this week has been better. I still haven't found my spot. But, I've gotten the message from numerous sources to have faith. And so I am. If nothing else, I'm learning over and over how little I know :) Always good to know who's in charge of things, and I know it's not me.
It's hard to imagine I would have that here actually. There are so few moments when I really click with someone these days. I spend a disproportianate amount of time wondering what I should have said or done differently. It's like being in Jr High.
In spite of these feelings, this week has been better. I still haven't found my spot. But, I've gotten the message from numerous sources to have faith. And so I am. If nothing else, I'm learning over and over how little I know :) Always good to know who's in charge of things, and I know it's not me.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
updates
Birthday parties seem so strange without cake. Mostly I just feel out of sorts watching everyone else chow down. I'm not sure what to do with myself.
Really though, it has been a VERY good weekend. We had good family time. We all had a little time to relax and do something for ourselves, no matter how minor. Plus, I got to work in the church nursery. Yay God all around.
Resting in more grace than I know what to do with...
How about you?
Really though, it has been a VERY good weekend. We had good family time. We all had a little time to relax and do something for ourselves, no matter how minor. Plus, I got to work in the church nursery. Yay God all around.
Resting in more grace than I know what to do with...
How about you?
Monday, February 26, 2007
little miracles
I've got to share a story, a little miracle if you will. It certainly is to me.
I bought a bike last Spring. I've blogged about it before. I hooked a trailer up to it and the kids and I explored Bloomington and then Celebration in it. I would ride along and reflect on how things would work out. I would pray and talk to God. I just rejoiced in being alive. Then, my DD decided she was done with it. She said she's too big for it, but I suspected she also enjoyed the power. I know that's petty and susopicious. But she sounded awfully triumphant the times she told me she would no longer be riding in it. Then, her rebellion spread to my DS. And so, with much sadness and stomping about, I packed it up.
I was very mad. How could my family betray me? How could they begrudge my happiness after all that has happened? What of my sacrifices for them? Oh I know. They're kids/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. My rational self knows that. But my inside kid self wanted to stomp about a bit. Then, I got on with things, because it's not really helpful to carry on that way.
So then, I started fantasizing about the other alternatives. I looked up big, touristy surreys and pedicab trailers. When I saw the price tags, I quickly moved on from those thoughts. Way out of the realm of possibility for my little library hopping, post office going self. No more deer sightings on my bike for me.
Then, I found my self in Jax for my aunt's funeral. I had been reluctant to go, yet didn't want to stay away. So there I was. While there, I went to visit another aunt. And there it was. My little present from God.
In her dining room was a three wheeled bike with a chariot style pedicab attached. Imagine tourist bikes of the fifties on Coney Island or Atlantic City. This bike was a beautiful, silver chariot. A glimmer of my freedom and healing resurfaced. And then I found out it was for sale. Yup.
After many, many dances and exclamations of delight, the bike was packed on to my cousin's truck. He and my father worked to improve the brakes and they delivered it to my house a week later.
Can you imagine the spectacular generosity of a God who knows the desires of my heart and gives them without ties? Even before I could ask, He already said yes.
Yes doesn't mean it's a piece of cake though. The bike is heavy. The kids are heavy and after a couple of miles, I was breathing harder than I have in awhile. It was definitely work. Every pedal was a chance to reflect on how absolutely unexpected this was. Every idea I might have had was nothing to how this just fell into being. Without my help. Go figure.
God used real items and regular people to knock the socks off of me. I hope He uses my regular self and some real items to knock the socks off someone else soon. I want to share the dancing.
I bought a bike last Spring. I've blogged about it before. I hooked a trailer up to it and the kids and I explored Bloomington and then Celebration in it. I would ride along and reflect on how things would work out. I would pray and talk to God. I just rejoiced in being alive. Then, my DD decided she was done with it. She said she's too big for it, but I suspected she also enjoyed the power. I know that's petty and susopicious. But she sounded awfully triumphant the times she told me she would no longer be riding in it. Then, her rebellion spread to my DS. And so, with much sadness and stomping about, I packed it up.
I was very mad. How could my family betray me? How could they begrudge my happiness after all that has happened? What of my sacrifices for them? Oh I know. They're kids/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. My rational self knows that. But my inside kid self wanted to stomp about a bit. Then, I got on with things, because it's not really helpful to carry on that way.
So then, I started fantasizing about the other alternatives. I looked up big, touristy surreys and pedicab trailers. When I saw the price tags, I quickly moved on from those thoughts. Way out of the realm of possibility for my little library hopping, post office going self. No more deer sightings on my bike for me.
Then, I found my self in Jax for my aunt's funeral. I had been reluctant to go, yet didn't want to stay away. So there I was. While there, I went to visit another aunt. And there it was. My little present from God.
In her dining room was a three wheeled bike with a chariot style pedicab attached. Imagine tourist bikes of the fifties on Coney Island or Atlantic City. This bike was a beautiful, silver chariot. A glimmer of my freedom and healing resurfaced. And then I found out it was for sale. Yup.
After many, many dances and exclamations of delight, the bike was packed on to my cousin's truck. He and my father worked to improve the brakes and they delivered it to my house a week later.
Can you imagine the spectacular generosity of a God who knows the desires of my heart and gives them without ties? Even before I could ask, He already said yes.
Yes doesn't mean it's a piece of cake though. The bike is heavy. The kids are heavy and after a couple of miles, I was breathing harder than I have in awhile. It was definitely work. Every pedal was a chance to reflect on how absolutely unexpected this was. Every idea I might have had was nothing to how this just fell into being. Without my help. Go figure.
God used real items and regular people to knock the socks off of me. I hope He uses my regular self and some real items to knock the socks off someone else soon. I want to share the dancing.
Active Waiting
I was right. This Lent thing is hard. I was pretty sure that I had some unresolved food issues. This doesn't surprise me. The chemical dependencies in my family can be extreme. I knew that sugar and alcohol often affect the same area of the brain in people. But, I'm not quite certain that that is my nemesis. After all, I turned down vegetarian jelly beans even though they are allowed.
But there is definitely something going on here. Yesterday, I was exhausted from many short travels and too little sleep. Plus, I'm adjusting to my new routines. And then I realized that the thought of no eggs was going to make me cry. What kinda garbage is that!!!???
After realizing that I am probably going through some kind of detox and withdrawal, I picked up some Bcomplex and started on my multi vitamins. Hopefully, I will make it past this and stay focused on the real event.
I was thinking the other day how this is all to practice being in a position that puts God first. God created heaven and earth. He doesn't need my leftover eggs or someone else's bacon or chocolate. He needs us to be willing to lay down our desires and take on His. My husband has said several times that I don't need to do this if I don't want to or if it's too hard. But now, I have to. I have to continue for two fold. First, if there is anything that has this big of a hold on me, other than my family, I want to cut it loose. It might be getting in the way of what God can do with my life. Second, I sure hate to back down from a challenge. Every little victory prepares us for the next one. I never know when I'm going to need to get through something harder.
I've got a lot of life changes happening. Many are exciting, a good deal of them are big and a little scary. I'm trying to go very, very carefully without losing sight of the map. And without secretly trading His map for mine. It's not easy. So feel free to say an extra prayer for me. I believe that I will be most at peace when I am fully walking in His plan. That's the problem though. I like walking and I hate waiting. I read a book once that called it active waiting. I like that.
And while I am waiting, I will stop frequently to praise an amazing God who loves His children and has plans for them. I will stop to wonder at what it will be like when this world is humbled and drawn close to Him. I will imagine that every person I know has turned away from the things that separate us from God to seek His will with anticipation and joy. Tall order I know. But I have to think of something during Lent, because otherwise, I might just focus on how many yummy things are made with eggs, butter and sugar. Then I will miss all the really good stuff in life.
But there is definitely something going on here. Yesterday, I was exhausted from many short travels and too little sleep. Plus, I'm adjusting to my new routines. And then I realized that the thought of no eggs was going to make me cry. What kinda garbage is that!!!???
After realizing that I am probably going through some kind of detox and withdrawal, I picked up some Bcomplex and started on my multi vitamins. Hopefully, I will make it past this and stay focused on the real event.
I was thinking the other day how this is all to practice being in a position that puts God first. God created heaven and earth. He doesn't need my leftover eggs or someone else's bacon or chocolate. He needs us to be willing to lay down our desires and take on His. My husband has said several times that I don't need to do this if I don't want to or if it's too hard. But now, I have to. I have to continue for two fold. First, if there is anything that has this big of a hold on me, other than my family, I want to cut it loose. It might be getting in the way of what God can do with my life. Second, I sure hate to back down from a challenge. Every little victory prepares us for the next one. I never know when I'm going to need to get through something harder.
I've got a lot of life changes happening. Many are exciting, a good deal of them are big and a little scary. I'm trying to go very, very carefully without losing sight of the map. And without secretly trading His map for mine. It's not easy. So feel free to say an extra prayer for me. I believe that I will be most at peace when I am fully walking in His plan. That's the problem though. I like walking and I hate waiting. I read a book once that called it active waiting. I like that.
And while I am waiting, I will stop frequently to praise an amazing God who loves His children and has plans for them. I will stop to wonder at what it will be like when this world is humbled and drawn close to Him. I will imagine that every person I know has turned away from the things that separate us from God to seek His will with anticipation and joy. Tall order I know. But I have to think of something during Lent, because otherwise, I might just focus on how many yummy things are made with eggs, butter and sugar. Then I will miss all the really good stuff in life.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
House cleaning
I'm nervous I think. We are going to observe Lent. This is a first time for our family. Oddly, the effort is being led by my husband, an almost entirely unobservant Jew. However, over the last few years it has been evident that changes are underway for all of us. And so, in a nit quite natural development, we have chosen something to give up or change about our lives. Over the last few days, it has come to me that I am really nervous.
It's like the old saying" some of my best friends are xyz"...well I've known some fine people who gave up things for Lent. But I never did. Every once in awhile, I told my self it was because God doesn't need our sacrifices. That his love and grace covers everything we could ever do. That would be fine I think, except for one minor thing. I didn't observe Lent because I didn't want to. It's not nice to be uncomfortable.
Nice huh? I'm scared too. I'm worried about creature comforts. I don't drink cow milk or eat a lot of cheese. I don't eat meat or fish. So I've been thinking I'm kiind of entitled to eggs. I like those a lot. As of next Wednesday, those will be gone. I wonder what's left. I think about eating oatmeal every day. I think maybe I will start eating beans for breakfast. I will pretend I 'm British. I practiced last week actually. I didn't eat breakfast as early as I normally do due to a DR's appt and some blood work. When I got home, I had tofu and veggie stirfy at 10:15 AM.
I know this is crazy. It's just food right? Except it's not. I knew it the minute my DH suggested that he would perhaps go vegan for Lent. I rebelled immediately. What would be the point I asked. Isn't that harsh I asked. At some point I realized that my reluctance meant that perhaps I was being shown how much I needed to let go.
I've been wondering if my reluctance is because I think I am good enough already. I've already got my bible verse memorized teacher. That thought isn't any prettier than my others. I don't have any sacrifices to offer God because I am just so hunky dory that I give Him my best every day??? Yeah right. Not even on my best day.
So now, in my last week before the fun starts, I'm getting ready. I've started reading some of those unread stories of faith on my bookshelf. I'm lingering a bit more with those Bible verses. I know there's no way I'm going to stay off the eggs without some help and encouragement. And if nothing else, because if I'm going to clean house so thoroughly, I might as well check the foundation and beams while I'm at it.
It's like the old saying" some of my best friends are xyz"...well I've known some fine people who gave up things for Lent. But I never did. Every once in awhile, I told my self it was because God doesn't need our sacrifices. That his love and grace covers everything we could ever do. That would be fine I think, except for one minor thing. I didn't observe Lent because I didn't want to. It's not nice to be uncomfortable.
Nice huh? I'm scared too. I'm worried about creature comforts. I don't drink cow milk or eat a lot of cheese. I don't eat meat or fish. So I've been thinking I'm kiind of entitled to eggs. I like those a lot. As of next Wednesday, those will be gone. I wonder what's left. I think about eating oatmeal every day. I think maybe I will start eating beans for breakfast. I will pretend I 'm British. I practiced last week actually. I didn't eat breakfast as early as I normally do due to a DR's appt and some blood work. When I got home, I had tofu and veggie stirfy at 10:15 AM.
I know this is crazy. It's just food right? Except it's not. I knew it the minute my DH suggested that he would perhaps go vegan for Lent. I rebelled immediately. What would be the point I asked. Isn't that harsh I asked. At some point I realized that my reluctance meant that perhaps I was being shown how much I needed to let go.
I've been wondering if my reluctance is because I think I am good enough already. I've already got my bible verse memorized teacher. That thought isn't any prettier than my others. I don't have any sacrifices to offer God because I am just so hunky dory that I give Him my best every day??? Yeah right. Not even on my best day.
So now, in my last week before the fun starts, I'm getting ready. I've started reading some of those unread stories of faith on my bookshelf. I'm lingering a bit more with those Bible verses. I know there's no way I'm going to stay off the eggs without some help and encouragement. And if nothing else, because if I'm going to clean house so thoroughly, I might as well check the foundation and beams while I'm at it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Home front
Some of you may have heard about the storms that have whipped through FL. We are fine, but I am feeling antsy. It seems the only way to help is to donate money. Money is good. But it's remote.
I feel useless and priveldged as I sit here. Guilty and glad we are fine. I look out my window at the pond and the chaos and hurt feels so far. It's amazing what an 800 number and no TV can do for creating distance between me and a disaster.
All is fine on other fronts. DH is working from home temporarily. It isn't his first choice. Probably not his second choice ewither. And although he worked at home for 5 years, the year in between has made us unaccustomed to his in and out again presence. We are adjusting to the changes. DD has been evicted from her room. The den has been reconfigured. Laundry has taken second stage to moving toys, books and exercise equipment.
In between broken computers and moving things, I am studying for a Youth Fitness certification and trying to write more. DD is learning to read. She hopes to start swim lessons next week. DS is being charming and mischievous. He is saying a few understandeable words. Mostly, he just does what ever he thinks is best. He's an independent little guy.
And now, it's time to read another story, figure out dinner and move the diapers to the dryer.
Until next time...
I feel useless and priveldged as I sit here. Guilty and glad we are fine. I look out my window at the pond and the chaos and hurt feels so far. It's amazing what an 800 number and no TV can do for creating distance between me and a disaster.
All is fine on other fronts. DH is working from home temporarily. It isn't his first choice. Probably not his second choice ewither. And although he worked at home for 5 years, the year in between has made us unaccustomed to his in and out again presence. We are adjusting to the changes. DD has been evicted from her room. The den has been reconfigured. Laundry has taken second stage to moving toys, books and exercise equipment.
In between broken computers and moving things, I am studying for a Youth Fitness certification and trying to write more. DD is learning to read. She hopes to start swim lessons next week. DS is being charming and mischievous. He is saying a few understandeable words. Mostly, he just does what ever he thinks is best. He's an independent little guy.
And now, it's time to read another story, figure out dinner and move the diapers to the dryer.
Until next time...
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
A Side Note
I hate those roadway crosses
And those white safety circles
each one a memorial
a whisper
Of a life gone in an instant
Keening mothers, grieving sisters
Tea steeped in tears.
Of empty rooms and aborted futures.
I hate those teddy bears
For tomorrow's angels, recruited,
From yesterday's sinners.
Each name, each marker
Makes me want to find the lonely,
The abandoned, the cheated
To say I know. I really do.
And those white safety circles
each one a memorial
a whisper
Of a life gone in an instant
Keening mothers, grieving sisters
Tea steeped in tears.
Of empty rooms and aborted futures.
I hate those teddy bears
For tomorrow's angels, recruited,
From yesterday's sinners.
Each name, each marker
Makes me want to find the lonely,
The abandoned, the cheated
To say I know. I really do.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
yammering
Geneaology is a dangerous addiction. Tonight I spent hours looking for my father's maternal lineage. I have finally found the fabled book some dead relative wrote. It's real. Of course, it was probably a vanity book and there are probably only a handful of copies in existence. Googling it shows nothing up for grabs. And the lone family copy is said to have been stolen by another far flung descendant some years ago. Dang schoolteachers... Seems a cousin took it to school for show and tell and it never came home. In any event, I have seen a reference to said book. Very exciting. Now I would like to figure out which relative was native American and what her tribal name was.
I could and should be doing so many other things, But I have always loved research. If you want to know some odd thing. I am your gal. Go figure. The hard part has always been actually writing it all up. I was the one with 25 overdue library books for 6 weeks while I thought about all the possible story lines in a project. In the end, I would wait just wait long enough for it all to flow out my fingers as I clacked in the night, white out by my side.
So, instead of studying about youth fitness tonight, I was trying to find links between far off folks. And now, I am tired, but still wound up. I have a feeling I will pay dearly tomorrow. I think it can be very comforting to know where you are in history. I research and I scrapbook. I guess it's one hand behind and one in front. I hope that doesn't mean I will let something slip in the now. Probably not. I really don't spend a lot of time in either activity these days.
On another note, I wanted to add to my post the other day. I really am fine. In fact, I am much more peaceful than I have been in sometime. There is no reason to fear or offer reassurances. Although, I do like know I am loved :)
And yet another tangent, my computer is once again being difficult. Bad, bad computer. The plug will not stay in.It is nearing the end of it's life with me. I am reluctant to let it go though. It was my first such luxury item. The first perk of being the resident domestic goddess. I do not travel to far off conferences where they ply me with good food, wine and outings. Instead, I eat spaghetti and eggs at home with children. Of course, I actually like those items, but shhh, don;t blow my cover! Now, though, I have my laptop. It was a big moment for me and I am loathe to sever our relationship. I suspect that I will fix this one AGAIN and continue to use it. I am a sentimental fool. But you all knew that...
I have met a friend here. I am so excited. A real, live, mommy friend. She's got a wicked sense of humor and down right sensible. No designer diaper bags either. We went to the science museum yesterday and she didn't even blink when my princess discovered that poophead, poophead made a nice song. Her policy is to let those sorts of things die out naturally. Not sure if I am ready to try that quite yet. But it was definitely good not to get the bad mommy stares. I hate those.
I will confess, my children go without coats if they are old enough to tell me no in some fashion. I do bring it along just in case- most of the time. They eat the same foods repeatedly. My eldest thinks I'm not any fun because she can't have heelies(sp?) I let them jump on hotel beds occasionally. And they regularly run and shout in the house. Oh yeah, I never have diaper wipes with me and I didn't write down what the kids liked and didn't like when they finally got some big people food. It was a family thing. In my family, they shove a little of whatever is around in the kids and never miss a beat with their own fork...
Alright. enough irreverence. I suspect it is truly time for some sleep. I think soon I will be saying all kinds of things that I might question tomorrow.
Good night from the land of Pixie Dust.
I could and should be doing so many other things, But I have always loved research. If you want to know some odd thing. I am your gal. Go figure. The hard part has always been actually writing it all up. I was the one with 25 overdue library books for 6 weeks while I thought about all the possible story lines in a project. In the end, I would wait just wait long enough for it all to flow out my fingers as I clacked in the night, white out by my side.
So, instead of studying about youth fitness tonight, I was trying to find links between far off folks. And now, I am tired, but still wound up. I have a feeling I will pay dearly tomorrow. I think it can be very comforting to know where you are in history. I research and I scrapbook. I guess it's one hand behind and one in front. I hope that doesn't mean I will let something slip in the now. Probably not. I really don't spend a lot of time in either activity these days.
On another note, I wanted to add to my post the other day. I really am fine. In fact, I am much more peaceful than I have been in sometime. There is no reason to fear or offer reassurances. Although, I do like know I am loved :)
And yet another tangent, my computer is once again being difficult. Bad, bad computer. The plug will not stay in.It is nearing the end of it's life with me. I am reluctant to let it go though. It was my first such luxury item. The first perk of being the resident domestic goddess. I do not travel to far off conferences where they ply me with good food, wine and outings. Instead, I eat spaghetti and eggs at home with children. Of course, I actually like those items, but shhh, don;t blow my cover! Now, though, I have my laptop. It was a big moment for me and I am loathe to sever our relationship. I suspect that I will fix this one AGAIN and continue to use it. I am a sentimental fool. But you all knew that...
I have met a friend here. I am so excited. A real, live, mommy friend. She's got a wicked sense of humor and down right sensible. No designer diaper bags either. We went to the science museum yesterday and she didn't even blink when my princess discovered that poophead, poophead made a nice song. Her policy is to let those sorts of things die out naturally. Not sure if I am ready to try that quite yet. But it was definitely good not to get the bad mommy stares. I hate those.
I will confess, my children go without coats if they are old enough to tell me no in some fashion. I do bring it along just in case- most of the time. They eat the same foods repeatedly. My eldest thinks I'm not any fun because she can't have heelies(sp?) I let them jump on hotel beds occasionally. And they regularly run and shout in the house. Oh yeah, I never have diaper wipes with me and I didn't write down what the kids liked and didn't like when they finally got some big people food. It was a family thing. In my family, they shove a little of whatever is around in the kids and never miss a beat with their own fork...
Alright. enough irreverence. I suspect it is truly time for some sleep. I think soon I will be saying all kinds of things that I might question tomorrow.
Good night from the land of Pixie Dust.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Passing through
I missed something big. I did. It was in front of my face but it was too hard to see. I just cannot control all of life. I hear some of you snickering. No need. I am sufficiently chastened.
I wanted Celebration to be our last stop for awhile. Not because it is the best place on earth. but because I don't want to move again. Now again, I hear the tsking. I *know* we don't "have" to move. But in a way, I do if I am going to be fully engaged in this experiment. Not that it has come to that. We aen't packing as I write. I just have to be open to whatever may come. And I violated that. I did not want live in the unknown so I was attempting to make everything known. And I have been mighty unhappy with the results.
So, today, I sought forgiveness for all those affected by my need to have all my ducks aligned. And I have, again, gotten back up or down as the case may be.
I was humbled by the thought that none of this is my home. We are all just passing by. We are born, carry on our causes and then we drift away. This is not an invitation to melancholy though. Instead, it is an invitation to freedom. We get caught up in the idea that we can control everything and therefore are responsible for it all. We can't and we aren't. I know some of you knew that. I bet atleast one of you didn't. Atleast I hope. Otherwise, I'll feel sooo lonely...
Today, my soul came back. I was sitting in a movie theater church. The service hadn't started for everyone else. For me it could have been all over. Except it wasn't. Sometimes, God continues bringing out the best long after you think the kitchen should or would be closed.
So there I was, finally, after almost 15 months, thinking I am going to be just fine. Maybe even better. Even though nothing has changed. Even though still I get no rewrites. I'm just passing through and that means I can stop worrying about if we are going to live here, happily ever after. Instead, I will get back to the important work of biking, walking and playing while I contemplate what it means to be really ready for the unknown. And I can't do that if I won't put down the map and loosen up on the reigns. I need to remember to rejoice in this day. For this moment. For this dream. For this tear. I give thanks for the knowledge that all of my transgressions, doubts or fears cannot hope to erase or overshadow the grace and majesty of God.
May the peace and joy I received today be yours.
I wanted Celebration to be our last stop for awhile. Not because it is the best place on earth. but because I don't want to move again. Now again, I hear the tsking. I *know* we don't "have" to move. But in a way, I do if I am going to be fully engaged in this experiment. Not that it has come to that. We aen't packing as I write. I just have to be open to whatever may come. And I violated that. I did not want live in the unknown so I was attempting to make everything known. And I have been mighty unhappy with the results.
So, today, I sought forgiveness for all those affected by my need to have all my ducks aligned. And I have, again, gotten back up or down as the case may be.
I was humbled by the thought that none of this is my home. We are all just passing by. We are born, carry on our causes and then we drift away. This is not an invitation to melancholy though. Instead, it is an invitation to freedom. We get caught up in the idea that we can control everything and therefore are responsible for it all. We can't and we aren't. I know some of you knew that. I bet atleast one of you didn't. Atleast I hope. Otherwise, I'll feel sooo lonely...
Today, my soul came back. I was sitting in a movie theater church. The service hadn't started for everyone else. For me it could have been all over. Except it wasn't. Sometimes, God continues bringing out the best long after you think the kitchen should or would be closed.
So there I was, finally, after almost 15 months, thinking I am going to be just fine. Maybe even better. Even though nothing has changed. Even though still I get no rewrites. I'm just passing through and that means I can stop worrying about if we are going to live here, happily ever after. Instead, I will get back to the important work of biking, walking and playing while I contemplate what it means to be really ready for the unknown. And I can't do that if I won't put down the map and loosen up on the reigns. I need to remember to rejoice in this day. For this moment. For this dream. For this tear. I give thanks for the knowledge that all of my transgressions, doubts or fears cannot hope to erase or overshadow the grace and majesty of God.
May the peace and joy I received today be yours.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Perfect moments
Tonight I saw Charlotte's Web.
I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I feel compelled to share the news though. It was beautiful. It was a fantastic homage to E. B White' classic. It was the right mix of humor, sadness and hope. As I rode home, children in tow, I savored the knowledge that some moments are absolutely perfect. Tonight was one of them.
I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I feel compelled to share the news though. It was beautiful. It was a fantastic homage to E. B White' classic. It was the right mix of humor, sadness and hope. As I rode home, children in tow, I savored the knowledge that some moments are absolutely perfect. Tonight was one of them.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
First night
We got back from vacation yesterday. I am so tired. Initially, the trip was not going well. The kids were sick and we were struggling to keep them happy and well-behaved in someone else's beautifully decorated apartment. As they began to feel better, but not well enough to prance all over Boston, the munchkins grew even more restless.
In spite of this, there were some highlights. For instance, I've now been to Maine. We hopped over the border from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, Maine. I love it in the North East. How can you not love a place where people regualarly go out in sweat pants. Ok. You might not. But, as for me...
We also got to see the Boston Science Museum (Wow) and the children's museum ( wow again). By the time New Yr's Eve came around, we were feeling much braver and decided to attend First Night events. If I never do another thing for New Yr's Eve again, I am satisfied with the knowledge that it could be as great as the ones I imagined as a kid, where everything is over the top-- Minus the popcorn, movies, and board games with Grandma all night it was the celebration of a lifetime. Boston's firstnight has live entertainment all day, the aquarium, the zoo, historical sites, art and science museums, ice sculptures, huge crowds and lots of energy all for 15.00 a person. There's even a parade and fireworks! We missed a ton of things, yet still feel that we saw a lot. And now, we are home, recovering.
On that note, it's time for me to get beakfast for the troops and start unpacking. I hope I can find some Very Important Papers that have gone missing. OOPS.
In spite of this, there were some highlights. For instance, I've now been to Maine. We hopped over the border from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, Maine. I love it in the North East. How can you not love a place where people regualarly go out in sweat pants. Ok. You might not. But, as for me...
We also got to see the Boston Science Museum (Wow) and the children's museum ( wow again). By the time New Yr's Eve came around, we were feeling much braver and decided to attend First Night events. If I never do another thing for New Yr's Eve again, I am satisfied with the knowledge that it could be as great as the ones I imagined as a kid, where everything is over the top-- Minus the popcorn, movies, and board games with Grandma all night it was the celebration of a lifetime. Boston's firstnight has live entertainment all day, the aquarium, the zoo, historical sites, art and science museums, ice sculptures, huge crowds and lots of energy all for 15.00 a person. There's even a parade and fireworks! We missed a ton of things, yet still feel that we saw a lot. And now, we are home, recovering.
On that note, it's time for me to get beakfast for the troops and start unpacking. I hope I can find some Very Important Papers that have gone missing. OOPS.
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