little miracles

I've got to share a story, a little miracle if you will. It certainly is to me.

I bought a bike last Spring. I've blogged about it before. I hooked a trailer up to it and the kids and I explored Bloomington and then Celebration in it. I would ride along and reflect on how things would work out. I would pray and talk to God. I just rejoiced in being alive. Then, my DD decided she was done with it. She said she's too big for it, but I suspected she also enjoyed the power. I know that's petty and susopicious. But she sounded awfully triumphant the times she told me she would no longer be riding in it. Then, her rebellion spread to my DS. And so, with much sadness and stomping about, I packed it up.

I was very mad. How could my family betray me? How could they begrudge my happiness after all that has happened? What of my sacrifices for them? Oh I know. They're kids/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. My rational self knows that. But my inside kid self wanted to stomp about a bit. Then, I got on with things, because it's not really helpful to carry on that way.

So then, I started fantasizing about the other alternatives. I looked up big, touristy surreys and pedicab trailers. When I saw the price tags, I quickly moved on from those thoughts. Way out of the realm of possibility for my little library hopping, post office going self. No more deer sightings on my bike for me.
Then, I found my self in Jax for my aunt's funeral. I had been reluctant to go, yet didn't want to stay away. So there I was. While there, I went to visit another aunt. And there it was. My little present from God.
In her dining room was a three wheeled bike with a chariot style pedicab attached. Imagine tourist bikes of the fifties on Coney Island or Atlantic City. This bike was a beautiful, silver chariot. A glimmer of my freedom and healing resurfaced. And then I found out it was for sale. Yup.
After many, many dances and exclamations of delight, the bike was packed on to my cousin's truck. He and my father worked to improve the brakes and they delivered it to my house a week later.
Can you imagine the spectacular generosity of a God who knows the desires of my heart and gives them without ties? Even before I could ask, He already said yes.
Yes doesn't mean it's a piece of cake though. The bike is heavy. The kids are heavy and after a couple of miles, I was breathing harder than I have in awhile. It was definitely work. Every pedal was a chance to reflect on how absolutely unexpected this was. Every idea I might have had was nothing to how this just fell into being. Without my help. Go figure.
God used real items and regular people to knock the socks off of me. I hope He uses my regular self and some real items to knock the socks off someone else soon. I want to share the dancing.

Active Waiting

I was right. This Lent thing is hard. I was pretty sure that I had some unresolved food issues. This doesn't surprise me. The chemical dependencies in my family can be extreme. I knew that sugar and alcohol often affect the same area of the brain in people. But, I'm not quite certain that that is my nemesis. After all, I turned down vegetarian jelly beans even though they are allowed.
But there is definitely something going on here. Yesterday, I was exhausted from many short travels and too little sleep. Plus, I'm adjusting to my new routines. And then I realized that the thought of no eggs was going to make me cry. What kinda garbage is that!!!???

After realizing that I am probably going through some kind of detox and withdrawal, I picked up some Bcomplex and started on my multi vitamins. Hopefully, I will make it past this and stay focused on the real event.

I was thinking the other day how this is all to practice being in a position that puts God first. God created heaven and earth. He doesn't need my leftover eggs or someone else's bacon or chocolate. He needs us to be willing to lay down our desires and take on His. My husband has said several times that I don't need to do this if I don't want to or if it's too hard. But now, I have to. I have to continue for two fold. First, if there is anything that has this big of a hold on me, other than my family, I want to cut it loose. It might be getting in the way of what God can do with my life. Second, I sure hate to back down from a challenge. Every little victory prepares us for the next one. I never know when I'm going to need to get through something harder.

I've got a lot of life changes happening. Many are exciting, a good deal of them are big and a little scary. I'm trying to go very, very carefully without losing sight of the map. And without secretly trading His map for mine. It's not easy. So feel free to say an extra prayer for me. I believe that I will be most at peace when I am fully walking in His plan. That's the problem though. I like walking and I hate waiting. I read a book once that called it active waiting. I like that.

And while I am waiting, I will stop frequently to praise an amazing God who loves His children and has plans for them. I will stop to wonder at what it will be like when this world is humbled and drawn close to Him. I will imagine that every person I know has turned away from the things that separate us from God to seek His will with anticipation and joy. Tall order I know. But I have to think of something during Lent, because otherwise, I might just focus on how many yummy things are made with eggs, butter and sugar. Then I will miss all the really good stuff in life.

House cleaning

I'm nervous I think. We are going to observe Lent. This is a first time for our family. Oddly, the effort is being led by my husband, an almost entirely unobservant Jew. However, over the last few years it has been evident that changes are underway for all of us. And so, in a nit quite natural development, we have chosen something to give up or change about our lives. Over the last few days, it has come to me that I am really nervous.

It's like the old saying" some of my best friends are xyz"...well I've known some fine people who gave up things for Lent. But I never did. Every once in awhile, I told my self it was because God doesn't need our sacrifices. That his love and grace covers everything we could ever do. That would be fine I think, except for one minor thing. I didn't observe Lent because I didn't want to. It's not nice to be uncomfortable.

Nice huh? I'm scared too. I'm worried about creature comforts. I don't drink cow milk or eat a lot of cheese. I don't eat meat or fish. So I've been thinking I'm kiind of entitled to eggs. I like those a lot. As of next Wednesday, those will be gone. I wonder what's left. I think about eating oatmeal every day. I think maybe I will start eating beans for breakfast. I will pretend I 'm British. I practiced last week actually. I didn't eat breakfast as early as I normally do due to a DR's appt and some blood work. When I got home, I had tofu and veggie stirfy at 10:15 AM.

I know this is crazy. It's just food right? Except it's not. I knew it the minute my DH suggested that he would perhaps go vegan for Lent. I rebelled immediately. What would be the point I asked. Isn't that harsh I asked. At some point I realized that my reluctance meant that perhaps I was being shown how much I needed to let go.

I've been wondering if my reluctance is because I think I am good enough already. I've already got my bible verse memorized teacher. That thought isn't any prettier than my others. I don't have any sacrifices to offer God because I am just so hunky dory that I give Him my best every day??? Yeah right. Not even on my best day.

So now, in my last week before the fun starts, I'm getting ready. I've started reading some of those unread stories of faith on my bookshelf. I'm lingering a bit more with those Bible verses. I know there's no way I'm going to stay off the eggs without some help and encouragement. And if nothing else, because if I'm going to clean house so thoroughly, I might as well check the foundation and beams while I'm at it.

Home front

Some of you may have heard about the storms that have whipped through FL. We are fine, but I am feeling antsy. It seems the only way to help is to donate money. Money is good. But it's remote.

I feel useless and priveldged as I sit here. Guilty and glad we are fine. I look out my window at the pond and the chaos and hurt feels so far. It's amazing what an 800 number and no TV can do for creating distance between me and a disaster.

All is fine on other fronts. DH is working from home temporarily. It isn't his first choice. Probably not his second choice ewither. And although he worked at home for 5 years, the year in between has made us unaccustomed to his in and out again presence. We are adjusting to the changes. DD has been evicted from her room. The den has been reconfigured. Laundry has taken second stage to moving toys, books and exercise equipment.

In between broken computers and moving things, I am studying for a Youth Fitness certification and trying to write more. DD is learning to read. She hopes to start swim lessons next week. DS is being charming and mischievous. He is saying a few understandeable words. Mostly, he just does what ever he thinks is best. He's an independent little guy.

And now, it's time to read another story, figure out dinner and move the diapers to the dryer.
Until next time...