It's a new day. Actually, it's been two new days. I'm back to not stressing. I'm not perfect mommy and DD is not perfect child. We won't get the medal. She's still the one who makes me breathe joy and gratitude. She's still the one who keeps me on my toes. I still scramble to stay ahead of her except when I do drop the ball. She is still the one who wows me with her big, generous heart. Even when she bites :)

As I write this, I'm sitting in my sister's room with her menagerie of animals. There is the delightful scent of cat box, fallen dog fur, and a grafittied desk. I am in the happy spot.
However, the clock strikes midnight and the princess that I am has disappeared. Only tired mommy remains.

Good night.

Is it really just us?

I think it must be us after all. There is a trick to being houseguests. It is to leave before anything bad happens and stay where your rules are as similar as possible when it involves children.

I broke this rule and now I am trying very hard to manage my impulse to pack and leave. DD spent the afternoon being told she is not as smart as a cousin and that she is younger so must be bossed. She's been dragged on the floor and pounced upon. I assure you, DD can be bossy and defiant and will fight to the death over a piece of grass when she feels it necessary. I know she's not an angel, just an ordinary 6 yr old. When she had enough today, she bit. This would be the second time over the course of several months that she has bit said cousin when she had enough. I do realize this is inappropriate. It's also embarrassing. Any excuse or reason I might offer would be equally inappropriate.

Last month, during house hunting, we were house guests at a home by request of DH. I did not want to be there because our parenting styles and rules are so vastly different. Yet DH felt it would work out. Shortly before we left, DD hit a child in that house when she had had enough of the other child. As parents, we totally failed to properly supervise the kids. They were inspecting new house while all adults were downstairs. and then, they weren't.

There is a part of me that feels totally embarrassed when these things happen. I wonder if it's just us. I hate when I get the vibe of well, if you would stick them in school they wouldn't do this crap. It's just because your child is not well socialized. I hardly think that putting my child in the local PS would encourage her to continue giving away her prized possessions because it might make someone feel better. Nor do I think it will nurture her propensity to look after the outsiders on the playground until they feel comfortable. I just don't see it. But when DD reaches her limits and her words have failed her, she has now, on three separate incidents, struck out physically. Does this mean we have an issue? If so, are my efforts to deal with it enough? I think we are working on it. It's a little hard though. Maybe, to be honest, I'm not sure exactly how much I want to work on this. I guess I am feeling a little pushed here.

I don't want to extinguish all physical fight. Yet I know it's not appropriate in most circumstances. I guess I'm not as trusting as many people. I want peace, yet I also want the right to defend myself. I want that for my children too. I'm just in a quandary.

I thought I was doing a good job helping my kids develop the verbal skills as well as their negotiating skills. Then, things like this happen and I wonder doesn't anyone else's kids do this stuff? Apparently not. And that is why I just want to pack up and go home. Just like I want to make excuses.

As I write this, my BIL came to apologize for asking me to correct my child. I appreciate it. I like him a lot. I really do. I want to respect his need and desire to keep his child safe. I know he understands mine. Just the like the children, we ask for and get forgiveness. Then somehow, we start out again on this road of delicate balance of family togetherness.

Meantime, I will try to limit my houseguesting to one night unless it's a musketeer.

After all this drama, I am tired. Bedtime calls. And the beat goes on.

Chapters' ending

So many times, we stand at the edge of a place we can not see and yet we must step forward. It would be so easy to stay, and yet, we step. It would be so easy to stay comfy and yet to grow we must change. We build muscles by tearing them and waiting for them to rebuild. Branches grow after pruning. And people grow only when they stretch their minds and hearts.

I've been in that place more times than I can remember. I've been tempted to run to the easy place and I'd be lying if I said I had never taken that easy path. But it's not where we grow. I want to grow. I want to be strong and bold. I want to be vulnerable and accepting. I want to be alive. And I don't want to do it alone.

I am wrapping up this chapter of our lives and I am profoundly grateful for all the times and ways I have been reminded that we do not need to go through life alone. God wants us to live our lives under His grace and in communion with others. I only have to be as alone as I choose. I have at long last seen the abundant blessings for us in this move.

There were so many days I railed, whined and moped. Those days were often my own making. Building community means have real relations with imperfect people. I have decided I love being in that mix. May I always move forward to see what lies ahead, al the while, enjoying the journey. May you come with me.

balancing acts

My plate is full and I think we are having cold feet. Of course, we are under contract and backing out now would be expensive and cause our DD serious stress. However, packing and moving is causing me some degree of stress.

Meanwhile, in my efforts to be joyous and productive instead of continuing my massive pity party, I am filling my days with consistant efforts to connect with others. I have finally figured out that life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Last week was busy in a very good way. There were playdates, school work, bible study, meals to make and easter eggs to hide. It was the first time since Tommy died that I felt like my world was spinning without it's melancholy wobble. I felt my mom's encouragement and companionship throughout the week. It was good.

Meanwhile, I work at finding the happy balance between staying in the moment and checking out and moving on. Too bad I never learned to juggle.

Going home

It's official. We are going home. After a very long journey filled with laughter, tears and much growth, we are going home.

We anticipate an end of the month closing and a mid April move. The house is so much more than I had hoped for and I cannot begin to tell you of the things I hope to do in this wonderful house. Suffice to say, it involves plenty of play filled days and warm welcoming open houses for all the friends we have and hope to meet. Last but not least, I shall finally get to dig my hands in the dirt as I please!

God is faithful, even in the trivial.

silence

Sometimes it is good to say nothing because it means you might be thinking. I am thinking. Lots. Still talking in RT, but typing less.
Silence can mean listening. It can also mean shut down and refusal. I'm sure that silence is present, but there is much happy silence.

To the kind of silence that promotes restoration and growth.
Selah