Sunday, December 23, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Rambling without a doubt
There are times I get tired of living life on the fly. I long for a house, a yard, a garden and friends to call in the middle of the day because I'm at the end of my parenting rope. I want vacation plans that are actually restful and not planned around DH's whimsical employers.
I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.
Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.
And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.
As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.
I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.
Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.
And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.
As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fear Less
I am struck this morning by words from Hebrews. They just do not want to be contained. Walk with me...
Since these children are people with physical bodies, Jesus himself became like them. He did this so that, by dying, he could destroy the one who has power of death--the devil--and free those who were like slaves all their lives because of their fear of death. Hebrews 2:14-15
I am often afraid of death. It's not fun. It smells. And it is ends everything. Or so I fear. But I KNOW it isn't so.
Because I also know that Jesus died and in some miraculous way, beat death and walked, talked, ate and prayed with his disciples after his crucifixion. And because, even in modern times, God still does miraculous things. Several years ago, I was at the gym and saw a TV report about a child who drowned in the swimming pool. EVERY body said she was dead. She had been cleared for an autopsy when suddenly, staff realized she had a pulse.
I swear to you, this was not the Enquirer, it was regular TV news. And yes, I know they lie, but I think they like to save their best for political campaigns.
More recently, I read 90 min in heaven by Don Piper. He tells a story of being hit by a large truck, being declared dead and then being suddenly found with pulse. And even talking. His story was recounted by various witnesses, both medical and ministerial. God still moves.
And yet, people die. My brother. My mother. My friends. Yours. And, so will we. Paul Reiser once said that his baby's birth meant he was being ushered out. And it's true.
So we have two choices. We can live in fear because we will some day die. Our best laid plans will be plans that fade to dust. An unfinished agenda. Or we will truly live in today.
I can what if myself to death. My mom did. Or I can teach my children to be free to live out God's plan knowing that His timing triumphs over every mortal limitation. And I won't be done until he says I'm done. Will I still grieve when another beautiful life slips home? Yes. But I'll choose to keep walking. Because I know without a doubt that if I stop walking forward I might lose sight of the light of a risen God that has kept me going thus far.
Free. I'm trying it out. I'm rolling it on my tongue. Free. Because I cast my lot with the Creator and author life. I will not suffer anything that He will not use to His glory. Nothing will be in vain. Free.
May His grace and peace be yours today. May you join me in fearing less and savoring freedom. His terms; not ours.
Since these children are people with physical bodies, Jesus himself became like them. He did this so that, by dying, he could destroy the one who has power of death--the devil--and free those who were like slaves all their lives because of their fear of death. Hebrews 2:14-15
I am often afraid of death. It's not fun. It smells. And it is ends everything. Or so I fear. But I KNOW it isn't so.
Because I also know that Jesus died and in some miraculous way, beat death and walked, talked, ate and prayed with his disciples after his crucifixion. And because, even in modern times, God still does miraculous things. Several years ago, I was at the gym and saw a TV report about a child who drowned in the swimming pool. EVERY body said she was dead. She had been cleared for an autopsy when suddenly, staff realized she had a pulse.
I swear to you, this was not the Enquirer, it was regular TV news. And yes, I know they lie, but I think they like to save their best for political campaigns.
More recently, I read 90 min in heaven by Don Piper. He tells a story of being hit by a large truck, being declared dead and then being suddenly found with pulse. And even talking. His story was recounted by various witnesses, both medical and ministerial. God still moves.
And yet, people die. My brother. My mother. My friends. Yours. And, so will we. Paul Reiser once said that his baby's birth meant he was being ushered out. And it's true.
So we have two choices. We can live in fear because we will some day die. Our best laid plans will be plans that fade to dust. An unfinished agenda. Or we will truly live in today.
I can what if myself to death. My mom did. Or I can teach my children to be free to live out God's plan knowing that His timing triumphs over every mortal limitation. And I won't be done until he says I'm done. Will I still grieve when another beautiful life slips home? Yes. But I'll choose to keep walking. Because I know without a doubt that if I stop walking forward I might lose sight of the light of a risen God that has kept me going thus far.
Free. I'm trying it out. I'm rolling it on my tongue. Free. Because I cast my lot with the Creator and author life. I will not suffer anything that He will not use to His glory. Nothing will be in vain. Free.
May His grace and peace be yours today. May you join me in fearing less and savoring freedom. His terms; not ours.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Nice neighbors
A few days later and it seems that all is not lost. The neighbors I really liked didn't actually put my barking dog or me on the wanted list. In fact, they didn't hear the dog. Or even tap dancing children. Of course, they are a bit older and he was a fighter pilot, but still. The cranky neighbors down the hall assured me it must have been a bigger dig they complained about when I offered my apologies. I assured them that my little dog feels big and that I believed the problem would be solved, although it was sadly only after two months of inconveniencing them. Not much for them to say to all that and a Have a nice evening to boot...Next stop the neighbors I find to be friendly but busy and elusive. I won't spend too much time trying to catch up with them though. I think I am ready to close the door on all of the drama. Much better to dwell on the good. And there is good. Because there is always good.
My neighbors who were horrified that a nice girl like me had been tormented by the property manager called him and told him not to leave any impression that they were in this with him. I was told to keep my barking dog for protection and not to let grumpy neighbors get the best of my muffin toting self. Of course, I can't really let the dog harass the neighbors, but it is awfully nice to have a cheerleader. Usually, my mother in law fills that rolse, but she's been sick.
Also on the plus side, I think we found a live candidate for a babysitter. Thsi one arrives on time, doesn't fusge with her arrival and departure times or spend two hours telling my DS he's adorable and slighting the princess. I'm still not sure what happened there, but hose of you who know the DD will know that sh is not usually curled up near fetal ignoring someone who might be charmed, entertained or provide enertainment. All she could say afterwards was I know I'm not a baby, but do people have to ignore me? so much for that one... but now, it appears we have a winner. And she has daytime availability! Yay! If this homeschooling is going to work, I have to figure out how to put on my oxygen mask.
More pluses: Today was day one of Angel Tree shopping. It's my number one all time favorite way to celebrate a holiday any holiday actually. However, there aren't so many trees in July, so I find them in Novemeber and January. And just like wherever you live, there are always plenty to be found. Here in town, I can walk to two. That goes back to earlier pluses...walking and biking :)
So as you can see, my hormones have stabilized and the sun still shines. Oh alright, not at 11:41 at night. Which reminds me, it's time to turn out the lights.
May your joy overflow!
My neighbors who were horrified that a nice girl like me had been tormented by the property manager called him and told him not to leave any impression that they were in this with him. I was told to keep my barking dog for protection and not to let grumpy neighbors get the best of my muffin toting self. Of course, I can't really let the dog harass the neighbors, but it is awfully nice to have a cheerleader. Usually, my mother in law fills that rolse, but she's been sick.
Also on the plus side, I think we found a live candidate for a babysitter. Thsi one arrives on time, doesn't fusge with her arrival and departure times or spend two hours telling my DS he's adorable and slighting the princess. I'm still not sure what happened there, but hose of you who know the DD will know that sh is not usually curled up near fetal ignoring someone who might be charmed, entertained or provide enertainment. All she could say afterwards was I know I'm not a baby, but do people have to ignore me? so much for that one... but now, it appears we have a winner. And she has daytime availability! Yay! If this homeschooling is going to work, I have to figure out how to put on my oxygen mask.
More pluses: Today was day one of Angel Tree shopping. It's my number one all time favorite way to celebrate a holiday any holiday actually. However, there aren't so many trees in July, so I find them in Novemeber and January. And just like wherever you live, there are always plenty to be found. Here in town, I can walk to two. That goes back to earlier pluses...walking and biking :)
So as you can see, my hormones have stabilized and the sun still shines. Oh alright, not at 11:41 at night. Which reminds me, it's time to turn out the lights.
May your joy overflow!
Monday, December 03, 2007
My loudmouth dog
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
A cheery knock to my door brought an unwelcome visitor tonight. The condo association manager had come to tell me that since SEPTEMBER my dog has been barking and annoying neighbors.
I'm appalled. I feel horrid. I really do. I like several of my neighbors very much. In fact, I was feeling guilty about moving in March because I didn't want to give them a new set of those bad, evil renters they fear and detest so much. As it turns out, I've been nothing more to them.
I told the gentleman he is not to wait two months to relay such complaints. All he has done is garnered me ill will. And oh I how I really need that on top of everything in my life. It's not enough to live in this gilded land of make believe while my husband travels entirely too much and I try to make nice to people so that one day, just before we move I can actually make friends.
I'm probably exaggerating slightly. I do have a couple of people I like. And about once a month, I have a playdate or whatnot that goes well enough that I think someday this might work out. And of course, I really do feel blessed to go to our church. It's so incredibly alive and useful in life. Quite unlike any church I've ever been to. And my husband does not always travel. In fact, he was home for two weeks and his most recent trip has been aborted and we'll pick him up midweek. But it's hard to remain chipper about things when you find out just before bedtime that your neighbors are REALLY not liking you and your loud mouth dog.
So for now, I've shut the windows and turned on the air again. I'll get the crate out of the car. Where it's probably been since September. And I'll try not to feel too badly that this wasn't address back in Sep so that I could have fixed it promptly. And if all else fails, I told the manager he could freely relate that if it isn't fixed, we'll be moving in March. No need to feel guilty about giving the nice neighbors a whole new set of transients to get used to.
Hey you know what, there is just always a bright side isn't there? Of course, I think Mr Manager wasn't sure what to make of that answer. But I truly was trying to make his job easier. After all, my dog does indeed bark at other dogs, loud children and slamming doors. And if my efforts fail, I will be moving on in March.
I'll try very hard not to wish it was back to Bloomington. Where except for my mother dying, life seemed manageable. Because maybe, being mom on call there would be any harder than being mom on call here. Except that I didn't get shunned for not being a spiffy dresser or knowing the in people.
And now, I'd better temper my obviously bonkers hormones. Good night all!
A cheery knock to my door brought an unwelcome visitor tonight. The condo association manager had come to tell me that since SEPTEMBER my dog has been barking and annoying neighbors.
I'm appalled. I feel horrid. I really do. I like several of my neighbors very much. In fact, I was feeling guilty about moving in March because I didn't want to give them a new set of those bad, evil renters they fear and detest so much. As it turns out, I've been nothing more to them.
I told the gentleman he is not to wait two months to relay such complaints. All he has done is garnered me ill will. And oh I how I really need that on top of everything in my life. It's not enough to live in this gilded land of make believe while my husband travels entirely too much and I try to make nice to people so that one day, just before we move I can actually make friends.
I'm probably exaggerating slightly. I do have a couple of people I like. And about once a month, I have a playdate or whatnot that goes well enough that I think someday this might work out. And of course, I really do feel blessed to go to our church. It's so incredibly alive and useful in life. Quite unlike any church I've ever been to. And my husband does not always travel. In fact, he was home for two weeks and his most recent trip has been aborted and we'll pick him up midweek. But it's hard to remain chipper about things when you find out just before bedtime that your neighbors are REALLY not liking you and your loud mouth dog.
So for now, I've shut the windows and turned on the air again. I'll get the crate out of the car. Where it's probably been since September. And I'll try not to feel too badly that this wasn't address back in Sep so that I could have fixed it promptly. And if all else fails, I told the manager he could freely relate that if it isn't fixed, we'll be moving in March. No need to feel guilty about giving the nice neighbors a whole new set of transients to get used to.
Hey you know what, there is just always a bright side isn't there? Of course, I think Mr Manager wasn't sure what to make of that answer. But I truly was trying to make his job easier. After all, my dog does indeed bark at other dogs, loud children and slamming doors. And if my efforts fail, I will be moving on in March.
I'll try very hard not to wish it was back to Bloomington. Where except for my mother dying, life seemed manageable. Because maybe, being mom on call there would be any harder than being mom on call here. Except that I didn't get shunned for not being a spiffy dresser or knowing the in people.
And now, I'd better temper my obviously bonkers hormones. Good night all!
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