The Adventures of Sunshine Girl

When it's me

2011-12-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've been consumed with crankiness as of late. Nothing makes me happy. I dislike homeschooling, travelling, slim pickings for breakfast and squabbling, rambunctious children.
I dread waking up in the morning only to start a new round of assigning chores and school work. And thus, the problem is likely to be me.
Disheartening.
I would, in fact, love for my evil moods to be someone else's fault. Except for one thing: the chance for improvement would lie solely within someone else's realm. Dependent. Another word I dislike.
And so, I do what I would do for my children. I gently coax the offender down for a nap and begin anew upon awakening. Limiting blame, but redirecting myself towards the desired behavior. Hopefully it works better than housebreaking small dogs.
If that fails, I'll meditate on my reading last night. Christ did not conquer death that I would forever dwell in my sorrow and anger. He died and rose that I would live in triumph and abundance. Thanks be to God for second, third and fourth chances.

Laughing out of the side of my mouth

2011-08-11T17:13:00.001-07:00

I always think I'm going to write home when we travel. To whom exactly, I do not know. I think how I'll say that sometimes travel is boring. How it's just living. Procuring food at grocery stores, laundry, stomach bugs and school work. Life.
Other times, children dance through a fine mist in the evening shadows. Morning mist wears off and mountains appear on the return hike from the grocery store. I meet a stranger who offers comfort and wisdom. I watch a stranger cry at the sight of dolphins and wonder at the source of her tears. My own fount threatens to pool.
I tell my daughter our trips are not necessarily meant to entertain. She struggles with this. Travel must have a definitive purpose in her preferred world. Vacation, family, work. There must be a destination and goal.
Sometimes, I tell her, one travels not to vacation, not to run away or to fulfill a checklist. One travels for the privilege of living a day to day life in another setting. Travel humbles.
The uncomfortable and the unfamiliar call, seducing yet another innocent.

2010-01-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

I'm a little surprised to find myself here tonight. It's been a bout a year since I've had anything to say. Oddly enough, as public as this is, it feels almost private now that I've had a taste of FaceBook. In my desire to connect, I made my world too small and have lost my anonymity. Either that, or I have lost the desire to give little bits of wit and happiness to a growing audience. Probably both. I've found myself agonizing over who I could unfriend to release some of the anxiety. Is it wrong to unfriend your spouse and a person who was in your wedding that you see several times a month? How about a high school acquaintance? Cousins?

DH has become a running man. I'm struggling. Really struggling. I hate when I am confronted with the nasties in myself. This morning, I felt like a virtuous human being. Woke up early to exercise and prepare a lesson for the children at church. Made everyone breakfast. Walked to and from church at the behest of DS and DH... Then we arrived home and I made the children lunch. That is when my spouse disappeared for well over three hours so he could pursue his new running dream. I know there is a part of me that is happy for his new found happy. I'm also jealous. And angry. And scared. It seems weird. I want to figure out what I want to do that is so important I abandon my family for hours. I want to know that I'll still be loved even if I'm lumpy and out of shape. And I want someone to tell me how this family would not run as smoothly as it does if I did not man this ship. Meanwhile, I'd like to stop being so darn petty while my DH gets his bottom up and away from the computer for a bit. Of course...that still leaves the part where I'm mad because he didn't pick going for walks with me that I so dearly loved and instead disappears repeatedly. All while apparently oblivious that he uses this and various computer things as an escape.
of course,
I could be projecting. If I left for hours, I would most certainly be escaping. It could be that he is not. I remain skeptical though.
Of course, the hazard of being an laymen's analyst is the desire to analyze everyone and everything. I really think I should just go get another dog to be my buddy. I miss my damn dog.I had to put him down a week before Christmas and guess what? After over 11 yrs with him, I'm still not over it. I like dogs. And I really liked mine. I liked how he loved me for who ever I was. It's the only thing close enough to perfect, agape love humans can understand I think. I spend too much time imagining pros and cons. I'm planning company and outings to distract me. But really, I just want a furry creature who wants to burrow under my covers or a big, loud canine to act as an alarm. I remind myself of all the down parts of a new dog...the vet and kennel bills. The chewed toys. Doggie accidents and a plethora of doggie mishaps. Then I think about borrowing a dog. Sounds so pathetic though. Hi. My dog died. Can I borrow yours? Who does that?
And so, on this quiet night, it appears I've found my way back to my blog. Perhaps only long enough to snag a few of my favorite essays. I don't think this one will be among them. No matter.
No matter. Funny thing though, in an age when it's so fashionable to capture your wit and aspiration in just a few characters, it still feels so great to ramble on. Even if no one is listening. Go figure.

The best part of all that is going on is that things are really pretty good. Little peeved but hopeful. After all, there's a new year upon us and I'm still a sunshine girl who never stops movng forward and looking for the bright side. Grace, peace and a good night to you.

Alive and speaking in code

2009-04-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

I will not accept mediocrity. There is no telling what one can and will do with a willing heart and reliance on God.

David. Jonah. Esther. Moses. Abraham. Noah. Mary. Paul. Every last one of them, insignicant by their own power. Every last one of them taking on tasks far beyond their limits and bringing glory to God. all of them offering hope and salvation to the world.

What gifts can I bring? I'm rummaging in my basket for fish and loaves as I write.

Cobb County Completes the Streets

2009-02-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

On January 27, 2009, Cobb officials took a quiet, but massive step to a greener, healthier Cobb county. Officials adopted a national movement to “Complete the Streets.” While this vote does not guarantee bike lanes on every street, it does indicate a growing desire to expand Cobb's accessibility and green status. Officials pledge to examine all new construction and existing road re-pavement to consider pedestrians, cyclists and disabled persons in addition to the traditionally favored automobiles.

Changes made in other cities across the nation using Complete the Streets measures have allowed those cities to increase usage, decrease emissions, and decrease obesity. Cobb County Commissioners have taken a giant step to clean up Cobb and encourage healthy living. However, remember this vote is not a guarantee. In light of financial cutbacks, it is too easy to let sidewalks and trails slide down the priority list. Your continued vigilance and support are required to turn this quiet vote into reality.

For more information on this and other measures to increase Cobb's sustainability efforts, please visit www.completethestreets.org and www.bikecobb.org.

Fun stuff

2009-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

My earlier post for BikeCobb was published in a local magazine. I am quite excited. It can be seen at www.eastcobber.com. Woohoo!

Passing days

2009-01-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

It is amazing the difference between a good day and a bad day. One glides by and the other never ends. I try and find the grace in both and yet in the later I sometimes only find sacrifice. It is hard to find pleasure in the circumstances that try and test us. There is some truth that bad times help us appreciate the good. It sharpens our perspective for both. It equips us to deal with the mundane so that we have more good days. Previous events that would have rocked us now are easily accomplished.

As I write this, it is a good day. There are a lot in my life. I do still have the other though. Days I celebrate my deceased brother's birthday and take a dog back to the shelter knowing he might be euthanized are on that list. On the bad days, I am sometimes concentrating so hard to get through, that I cannot stop to dwell. If I did, I might get stuck and not make it past. I've had my share of bad days and would be bad days. That's why I know the difference. I used to have a lot of bad days. I made some changes though, and now there aren't as many.

My secret is not a secret. One foot in front of the other and keep walking. Never look down, only up and straight ahead. Freeze good days. Try and remember what got you there. Rarely is it an accident. Good days are often representative of our solid choices to build and speak life into those around us. Bad days are often a snowballed set of responses to the various life events that happen. We do stupid things. We all do. We make mistakes and sometimes we repeat them. The non secret is to look at our thoughts, actions, and reactions and see the big picture. The non secret is to see the big picture and know we are here to speak life and build up one another.

The truth, as we all know, is that the days are all the same length. It's all our perspective. If you are tired, grumpy and always getting the short end of the stick it's time to examine your choices and rewrite what isn't working. I'm not saying it's easy, but the alternative is a lot of bad days.

A New Day

2009-01-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hooray for the beauty of a peaceful transition of power! I flipped through hundreds of inaugural photos and I am smiling with hope. I don't care that I live in a hotbed of Republican power. I am excited at the prospect of an Obama presidency. How can it be evil to truly make room for more people at the table?

I hope that a new feels vested in the efforts to create a democracy for all. And when mere mortal men do not solve all our problems, as I have no doubt they cannot, may we all figure out what really matters! Then we can stand behind a soverign God and work according to His agenda. Wouldn't that be a breathtaking set of pictures...

The thrill of snow grows old

2008-12-23T10:55:00.001-08:00

When you are a Fl girl, snow is glamorous and beautiful. When we moved to GA, I delighted in the first snowflakes I ever saw. We shoveled the driveway in good cheer in MD and I carted the kids in a sled in IL. We've tramped in NH, Chicago and Boston all the while thrilling the bitter cold and wet shoes. But now, it seems the cold, wet snow has gotten on my bad side at last.

We are officially stuck in Oregon. The children and I came for a much anticipated extended visit. As in all long trips, homesickness had set in. Yesterday we were supposed to be home and we are not. We will be home, if all goes well, on Fri. Today is Tuesday. I'm trying to resist the urge to list every beloved home activity to do upon our arrival. I am trying to make the most of the time we have left here. My head knows it will be some time before I am able to come this way again. My heart and my children keep watching every new snowfall with dismay. I'll Be home for Christmas has been banned from our playlist. My calls to DH have become more frequent. Usually, it is he who is away and calls frequently when stressed.

Present too, is a vague guilt over my disappointment. After all, we are well fed, dry, warm with new adventures right around the corner. What right have I to be sad over things? Also in my thoughts is the knowledge that Christmas does not depend on our where abouts, our incomes, or even our companions. It is the birthday celebration of a man who changed humanity. This year, I'm being given yet another opportunity to ponder this.

Oh well. In a week's time, this will pass. All that will remain are the wonderful memories of an indulgent uncle, cherished grandparents, awe inspiring forests and an ocean to silence all chatter.
Merry Christmas

Henrietta Homeowner

2008-12-04T23:06:00.001-08:00

Buying a home is never exactly what you think it will be. Home inspections are only as good as the inspector, and unless you're construction savvy, you'll be fixing everything the inspector missed. As it stands, our inspector was not quite what we were hoping and I am not altogether construction savvy. I once dreamed of a project house and it seems I got one.

I love my house. I do. However, within a week, we'd considered naming it the college fund of the local plumber's children. It got worse from there. There were siding issues, ugly concrete walls and a misplaced fence. We were not batting well in the happy homeowner world.

The to do list loomed long. Luckily I discovered something that made it all better. Insiders at http://www.nari.org/ call it staging. You see. I'm thrifty by nature, but not so good at long range planning. I didn't know how to break the job down into smaller chunks. Doing the house renovations in one fell swoop sounds great except for the price tag. As I said, I'm on the thrifty side. With staging, I plan the renovations and set the schedule for when the work is done. I will do some smaller tasks, like painting and closet shelving. As for the rest, I know my limits. I want the work to be done right and I'm not a professional.

Scratching the Extreme Home Makeover with Ty Pennington, we had to do some real thinking. We are listing all house use and family needs; we're making a wish list. We're working on the budget and saving. Baby steps. The good news is that as I make the list and we tackle items, I can go back to enjoying my house.

While I work on my list and learn more about choosing the right contractors, I invite you to send me your questions.

BikeCobb

2008-12-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

Marietta resident, Joe Seconder returned from living in Copenhagen a changed man. Living in a city where more than 30% of vehicular traffic is on two wheels will do that to you.

Back in Marietta, Seconder comes with a new mission. He wants to see Cobb County a bike friendlier city. Currently, this Atlanta outpost doesn't even have sidewalks throughout the area. Bike lanes seem a far dream. Can Seconder do it? Maybe so. Seconder has already managed to unite over 150 users on a free user group dedicated to Cobb cyclists. He aims to turn those resident cyclists into a full fledged, dues paying advocacy group.

Since the first of the year, BikeCobb has gathered enough interest to supply a volunteer board, achieve non profit status and secure commercial sponsorships. Seconder isn't wasting anytime getting to work. BikeCobb volunteers are already at work establishing contacts and canvassing cyclist needs in the area. Further, It's leveraging new relationships with the established Atlanta Bicycle Campaign to find it's own niche in the local advocacy efforts. BikeCobb is already on board as advisor in Cobb County's new Bike/Ped Study. The Bike/Ped study is designed to gather current and projected traffic needs for Cobb's efficient growth. BikeCobb has strategic planning sessions planned to provide accurate representation of cyclists throughout Cobb.

BikeCobb, with Joe Seconder at the helm is poised to lead Cobb County to new places. With enough hard work and vision, Atlanta could someday be the Northwest of the South. At least that's what Cobb cyclists are asking Santa for this Christmas.

BikeCobb has it's kickoff membership meeting this Mon, December 9th at 6:30 PM at East Marietta Library on 2051 Lower Roswell.

Thanksgiving at home

2008-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

This year was such a marked contrast to last year. It was our first Thanksgiving in a place that was home. Really home. It was good.

I raked my leaves and listed my own blessings. At the risk of boring you I ofer the short list. Leaves. Bonfires. Mercy. Grace. Forgiveness. Peaceful political process. Children. Friends. Family. I am in love with a God who would pour out umexpected blessings for all who would desire to walk with him. Sometimes, humilty doesn't leave a lot of room for other words.

sunshinegirl-theadventures

2008-10-28T04:53:00.001-07:00

God speaks in Bike Language

2008-10-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

I read a funny phrase in a blog last week, if I was any good at linking, I would send you there now, but I'm not so I won't. Superbass wrote of "God showing off." While I know that God has and does amazing things, when my own mini miracles occur, I am once again stunned.

When we left sunny O, I left behind a beautiful, marvelous 3 wheeled bike. I had to sell it as I was headed to the land of hills and would not be able to use it. I was also unsure of it's ability to fit in the moving van. There were mechanical problems with the wheels and yet I mourned that bike like you would not believe a grown up could do.

I was once again struggling to get places without a car and with happy children. We walked, they whined and fought. I tried to guilt or bribe my DD into riding her own bike so that I could ride mine with DS. Shameful I know. It didn't work. So I got rid of all bikes and rode my DH's bike.
I spent many hours looking up alternative bikes and trailers. I fantasized about spending an insane amount on a sturdy Dutch Bakfiet or Extracycle Longbike. I showed my DH many pictures of novel bikes toting happy families in the hopes that he would be inspired to give me a splendid present. This did not work btw.

Someone I know encouraged me to buy something that sited me as I surely did deserve it. This didn't quite suit our family dynamics or budgeting. Yet, there I was sad, unhappy and miffed that no one understood the unbridled joy that comes when I float through the air on my bike. In fact, I have decided that if my father feels anything like that on his motorcycle then I am to be forever silent on the subject. I almost slipped into a big pity party except that remembered that sometimes we just don't get what we want and that I am the grown up.

This all leads to the multiple times I have asked God's forgiveness for wanting and coveting such a bike. I also told Him that I did not believe such an expenditure would be where He would choose me to direct His funds and therefore I would just hold my horses and wait. I ultimately decided that a purchase like that would be disrespectful to a spouse who so clearly did not value this purchase in the way that I did. It just wasn't going to build goodwill. I was sad though. I wish I could just go off and do such a thing. I never do.

A good friend, who cheers and challenges me, said, "if God gave you the other bike, who is to say that He doesn't have something else for you?" Me that's who. I had decided the other bike was so out there and spectacular that God could hardly top it. But I did manage to lay my know it all self aside for the couple of minutes it took to mull it over. What is to stop a God who can surprise my most childlike self with a gift in the language I well understand?

Back to waiting. I still enthused on the models. But I stopped coveting and enjoyed the walking we were doing. I still went out and volunteered with the Bicycling advocacy group last weekend. I laughed and explained I had no bike when they asked what I rode.

Then, today on the way home from the car repair shop, I stopped in Goodwill to look for a fertilizer/seed spreader. It was on or list. They had none. They did have a near pristine Kidarooz bike trailer that Amazon lists for 379.99. Goodwill's price for said stroller with 2 flat tires was 30.99. Our new space pod trailer/stroller is now in the garage. Yup, the King of the Universe does show off and I have enjoyed telling total strangers that God even answers the prayers of the selfish, tired, childish women of the world. Even the ones who live in East Cobb and look like that have no cares. He knows we all have desires and sometimes waits for us to stop whining and use our big kid voices to tell him about it before we move on. Like many of us, God does His best work when there isn't any whining, cajoling, begging, footstomping or second guessing. Who would've thought?

I still have no bike. I stand by my decision to wait until I find the right bike at the right price. Until then, I will enjoy the 7 mile roundtrip walk to the library a lot more. And when I do find it, you can bet I will still be telling strangers about God's amazing ability to speak love in a language even a child understands.

2008-10-01T04:55:00.001-07:00

He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.
Zephaniah 3:17

God knows what it is like to be alone. Before there was a star in the sky it was just God hanging out. Thus begins the Creation story.

Along the way, he speaks man into being and then our story begins. His interest in us never wains. Max Lucado writes that " if he drove car, your name would be on his bumper. If there's a tree in heaven, he's carved your name in the bark. "

God is our Father, Mother, friend, redeemer. He dotes on us. He encourages us and never belittles us. He guides and teaches us patiently. He is a steadfast rock. We can depend on his genuine love, affection and attention through every circumstance in life. He hears you when you lay on the floor and cry. He knows your bank account. He sees you when you dance with joy. He goes with you as you comfort and encourage a friend. He is your God and he wants to cover you with grace and carry you. Let Him; he's a professional.

Recent things I have learned

2008-10-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

I have learned that masonry is a really hard.
I have less patience than I need and more than I had before I began homeschooling.
I like knitting.
A child's trust is a gift.
God does not remind us of our failures. That's Satan's job.
I distrust juiceplus salespeople. I think it's the MLM that gets me.
I miss my cool three wheeled bike.
Whitewater rafting is amazing.
Fall and Spring are great times to be in Atlanta. (So are summer and winter)

Be well!

Birthday Bounty

2008-09-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today is the best birthday I have had in I don't know when. It started rough. DS had a rough night, bad dreams, lots of crying. He's got a lot of adjustments on his little plate and is a bit stressed. He'll be ok. Just grumpy.
Once we got moving and got school knocked out, we head out for a big 3.5 m walk/jog to the library, chuckee cheese, window shopping and a discount movie. I finished the day with a CPR class. Throughout the day, I had a few calls and emails from dear ones to say Happy Day.

I kept thinking how absolutely wonderful it all was. During the bedtime routine, it dawned on me, this was the first birthday I've had in several years that I did not think "It's another birthday without my brother or without my mother." It was just a day filled with everything I did have.
It was beyond good.

Tomorrow, I will somehow get lessons done, clean the house for DD's fundraising spaghetti dinner (raising money for church stuff) and DD/family birthday bash. I must also shop for same. I will also continue working on latest fitness continuing ed class and get us to the happy chiropractor. About an hour ago, the agenda shrunk because I finally figured out where the fruit flies that invaded our home during our vacation came from and disposed of the habitat. I am optimistic.

Must head to bed soon. Good night.

whirlwind

2008-08-29T05:42:00.000-07:00

We are well. We really are. And busy. But not terrible communicative it seems. We have continued settling into our new digs. Most of the plants I planted did not survive the sporadic water I offered them combined with occasional rain. Weeds lost my attention in favor of playgrounds, lessons and creek exploration. New friends were found and old ones enjoyed.

DH continues to strive for some balance of work/life happiness. We all are trying to find our spot in a new church. And life just goes on.

The past two weeks we have been totally blessed to be a roving happy homeschool family. We left ATL with less than 24 hours notice and headed north to W Carolina to visit my favorite MIL. We then headed SE to Jax just in time to miss Faye. We soaked up good family fun with my extended family of aunts and cousins. My children and I revelled in the laughing, good food and general deep joy at being in the seat of happy memories. I have learned so much about my self these last couple of weeks. It makes the time seem like it must be even longer than it is.

Speaking of lessons, It is never much fun to realize when you've been holding a grudge and letting it affect your current relationships. Better to know and to work on laying it down and raising up my forgiving heart. I know it's in there and it wants to come out. I'm working on it.

Finally, we will wrap up our wanderings with an Orlando adventure. Disney till we pop. I think perhaps my DS already has. He is much happier with a bubble bath than Buzz Lightyear rides. A bit difficult to manage the whole family's desire for fun, relaxation and the like but we manage somehow. Oh I wish I was better at juggling, but I've dropped every ball i 've ever tried to keep up.

Now I must go. Time to step into our whirlwind!

All moved in

2008-05-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

We are at last all moved in and mostly unpacked. We have resolved assorted plumbing issues. My various poison ivy and poison oak outbreaks have become tolerable. The roof/chimney still needs to be fixed and the people behind us wish the brick wall surrounding our yard for the last 20 years would disappear. It apparently is partially on or over their property line.

Over all though, we love it here. The yard is big. The house has lots of room to grow into. Bunnies run through the yard but stop to eat wild strawberries. Best of all, we are near many wonderful people.

It is good to come back to our routines. We have had more time to sit and read good books while snuggling. DD's math book actually got finished a couple of weeks ago. Today, we made muffins and will take them over to the fire station. Next week, we leave for a trip to Connecticut to meet up with DH. Life is very good right now. I am trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong, but it has been a long, long time since things have felt this manageable. I don't know what the future holds, but I know the moment. I'm taking care to breathe and be thankful.

Happy Day!

2008-03-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's a new day. Actually, it's been two new days. I'm back to not stressing. I'm not perfect mommy and DD is not perfect child. We won't get the medal. She's still the one who makes me breathe joy and gratitude. She's still the one who keeps me on my toes. I still scramble to stay ahead of her except when I do drop the ball. She is still the one who wows me with her big, generous heart. Even when she bites :)

As I write this, I'm sitting in my sister's room with her menagerie of animals. There is the delightful scent of cat box, fallen dog fur, and a grafittied desk. I am in the happy spot.
However, the clock strikes midnight and the princess that I am has disappeared. Only tired mommy remains.

Good night.

Is it really just us?

2008-03-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

I think it must be us after all. There is a trick to being houseguests. It is to leave before anything bad happens and stay where your rules are as similar as possible when it involves children.

I broke this rule and now I am trying very hard to manage my impulse to pack and leave. DD spent the afternoon being told she is not as smart as a cousin and that she is younger so must be bossed. She's been dragged on the floor and pounced upon. I assure you, DD can be bossy and defiant and will fight to the death over a piece of grass when she feels it necessary. I know she's not an angel, just an ordinary 6 yr old. When she had enough today, she bit. This would be the second time over the course of several months that she has bit said cousin when she had enough. I do realize this is inappropriate. It's also embarrassing. Any excuse or reason I might offer would be equally inappropriate.

Last month, during house hunting, we were house guests at a home by request of DH. I did not want to be there because our parenting styles and rules are so vastly different. Yet DH felt it would work out. Shortly before we left, DD hit a child in that house when she had had enough of the other child. As parents, we totally failed to properly supervise the kids. They were inspecting new house while all adults were downstairs. and then, they weren't.

There is a part of me that feels totally embarrassed when these things happen. I wonder if it's just us. I hate when I get the vibe of well, if you would stick them in school they wouldn't do this crap. It's just because your child is not well socialized. I hardly think that putting my child in the local PS would encourage her to continue giving away her prized possessions because it might make someone feel better. Nor do I think it will nurture her propensity to look after the outsiders on the playground until they feel comfortable. I just don't see it. But when DD reaches her limits and her words have failed her, she has now, on three separate incidents, struck out physically. Does this mean we have an issue? If so, are my efforts to deal with it enough? I think we are working on it. It's a little hard though. Maybe, to be honest, I'm not sure exactly how much I want to work on this. I guess I am feeling a little pushed here.

I don't want to extinguish all physical fight. Yet I know it's not appropriate in most circumstances. I guess I'm not as trusting as many people. I want peace, yet I also want the right to defend myself. I want that for my children too. I'm just in a quandary.

I thought I was doing a good job helping my kids develop the verbal skills as well as their negotiating skills. Then, things like this happen and I wonder doesn't anyone else's kids do this stuff? Apparently not. And that is why I just want to pack up and go home. Just like I want to make excuses.

As I write this, my BIL came to apologize for asking me to correct my child. I appreciate it. I like him a lot. I really do. I want to respect his need and desire to keep his child safe. I know he understands mine. Just the like the children, we ask for and get forgiveness. Then somehow, we start out again on this road of delicate balance of family togetherness.

Meantime, I will try to limit my houseguesting to one night unless it's a musketeer.

After all this drama, I am tired. Bedtime calls. And the beat goes on.

Chapters' ending

2008-03-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

So many times, we stand at the edge of a place we can not see and yet we must step forward. It would be so easy to stay, and yet, we step. It would be so easy to stay comfy and yet to grow we must change. We build muscles by tearing them and waiting for them to rebuild. Branches grow after pruning. And people grow only when they stretch their minds and hearts.

I've been in that place more times than I can remember. I've been tempted to run to the easy place and I'd be lying if I said I had never taken that easy path. But it's not where we grow. I want to grow. I want to be strong and bold. I want to be vulnerable and accepting. I want to be alive. And I don't want to do it alone.

I am wrapping up this chapter of our lives and I am profoundly grateful for all the times and ways I have been reminded that we do not need to go through life alone. God wants us to live our lives under His grace and in communion with others. I only have to be as alone as I choose. I have at long last seen the abundant blessings for us in this move.

There were so many days I railed, whined and moped. Those days were often my own making. Building community means have real relations with imperfect people. I have decided I love being in that mix. May I always move forward to see what lies ahead, al the while, enjoying the journey. May you come with me.

balancing acts

2008-03-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

My plate is full and I think we are having cold feet. Of course, we are under contract and backing out now would be expensive and cause our DD serious stress. However, packing and moving is causing me some degree of stress.

Meanwhile, in my efforts to be joyous and productive instead of continuing my massive pity party, I am filling my days with consistant efforts to connect with others. I have finally figured out that life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Last week was busy in a very good way. There were playdates, school work, bible study, meals to make and easter eggs to hide. It was the first time since Tommy died that I felt like my world was spinning without it's melancholy wobble. I felt my mom's encouragement and companionship throughout the week. It was good.

Meanwhile, I work at finding the happy balance between staying in the moment and checking out and moving on. Too bad I never learned to juggle.

Going home

2008-03-10T16:09:00.001-07:00

It's official. We are going home. After a very long journey filled with laughter, tears and much growth, we are going home.

We anticipate an end of the month closing and a mid April move. The house is so much more than I had hoped for and I cannot begin to tell you of the things I hope to do in this wonderful house. Suffice to say, it involves plenty of play filled days and warm welcoming open houses for all the friends we have and hope to meet. Last but not least, I shall finally get to dig my hands in the dirt as I please!

God is faithful, even in the trivial.

silence

2008-03-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is good to say nothing because it means you might be thinking. I am thinking. Lots. Still talking in RT, but typing less.
Silence can mean listening. It can also mean shut down and refusal. I'm sure that silence is present, but there is much happy silence.

To the kind of silence that promotes restoration and growth.
Selah

what we do

2008-02-21T04:09:00.000-08:00

It's much harder to ramble on about nothings than I would have thought. I'm not living an exciting bloggable life right now. I am however, sitting on the fence of indecision again and it hurts.

I want to be done with Orlando. Yet it doesn't feel quite like it's time. This leaves me feeling unsettled and fighting grumpiness. I'm working on that though. We joined the Y and I am back to several sweat filled, endorphin filled workouts a week. This helps. As does the conscious effort to avoid complaining through out Lent. That complaining habit was really taking it's toll on me. That being said, that is also more difficult that I would have thought. Sometimes, I have to enforce quiet so that I say nothing while I think of the appropriate way to say it. This is not fool proof of course, and I am even more aware of how much I stand in the need of grace.

Other than these grand moments of indecision in which we throw ourselves regularly in the Sunshine house, we are well. We still thrill over sandhill cranes and alligator sightings. Luckily for the cranes, the two have not been mixed. Only at Gatorland have we actually seen an alligator eating a fresh catch. Guess those hotdogs and pellets don't satisfy the gang.

That's really my update on the gang. We are here. Life is happening. Just like it is at your house.

New Year

2008-01-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

A couple of days after Chrsitmas, we hopped on a plane and headed to the midwest. The original trip was supposed to be to Boston/Connecticut, but I am convinced that I needed to be on this trip instead. So, in a quirky set of events, we ended up going to Bloomington, Chicago, and now Madison, WA.

Things are happening to fast to really write about. But I needed some downtime. So here I am.

DH has been my hero for his efforts to be a happier parent. He told DD she needed to stay with us to keep safe from giant, pteradactyls. And DS was dressed in quicktime when DH told him that yes, raccoons had super powers. DS was delighted and proud. And quite adorable telling peeps that he was super raccoon. I never dreamed a super raccoon could be so cute.

Our trips to Bloomington and Chicago were so restorative. I laughed like I don't remember laughing and just wallowed in how wonderful it was to let down my guard and enjoy grownups while the kids played.

Chicago brought a beautiful hotel in downtown and some museum trips that wowed us all. It is such an amazing city. I know why people say it has everything. Even the 10 degree weather did not deter us.

And now, we rest in Madison, Wisconsin. We braved a fog so thick it caused 2 massive car pile ups (100 cars, two fatalities and several injuries). We were thankfully rerouted. The only effects we experienced were an additional 2+ hours in the car. Small potatoes. Kids are sick now and trying hard to pass it on to me. We hope to finally enjoy some fog free driving tomorrow as we explore. We'll have to see about that though. Our efforts today weren't quite up to expectations. But then again, it has more to do with the very wonderful days we had last week.

Good night all.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Rambling without a doubt

2007-12-21T20:32:00.001-08:00

There are times I get tired of living life on the fly. I long for a house, a yard, a garden and friends to call in the middle of the day because I'm at the end of my parenting rope. I want vacation plans that are actually restful and not planned around DH's whimsical employers.

I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.

Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.

And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.

As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.

Fear Less

2007-12-13T02:36:00.000-08:00

I am struck this morning by words from Hebrews. They just do not want to be contained. Walk with me...

Since these children are people with physical bodies, Jesus himself became like them. He did this so that, by dying, he could destroy the one who has power of death--the devil--and free those who were like slaves all their lives because of their fear of death. Hebrews 2:14-15

I am often afraid of death. It's not fun. It smells. And it is ends everything. Or so I fear. But I KNOW it isn't so.

Because I also know that Jesus died and in some miraculous way, beat death and walked, talked, ate and prayed with his disciples after his crucifixion. And because, even in modern times, God still does miraculous things. Several years ago, I was at the gym and saw a TV report about a child who drowned in the swimming pool. EVERY body said she was dead. She had been cleared for an autopsy when suddenly, staff realized she had a pulse.

I swear to you, this was not the Enquirer, it was regular TV news. And yes, I know they lie, but I think they like to save their best for political campaigns.

More recently, I read 90 min in heaven by Don Piper. He tells a story of being hit by a large truck, being declared dead and then being suddenly found with pulse. And even talking. His story was recounted by various witnesses, both medical and ministerial. God still moves.

And yet, people die. My brother. My mother. My friends. Yours. And, so will we. Paul Reiser once said that his baby's birth meant he was being ushered out. And it's true.

So we have two choices. We can live in fear because we will some day die. Our best laid plans will be plans that fade to dust. An unfinished agenda. Or we will truly live in today.

I can what if myself to death. My mom did. Or I can teach my children to be free to live out God's plan knowing that His timing triumphs over every mortal limitation. And I won't be done until he says I'm done. Will I still grieve when another beautiful life slips home? Yes. But I'll choose to keep walking. Because I know without a doubt that if I stop walking forward I might lose sight of the light of a risen God that has kept me going thus far.

Free. I'm trying it out. I'm rolling it on my tongue. Free. Because I cast my lot with the Creator and author life. I will not suffer anything that He will not use to His glory. Nothing will be in vain. Free.

May His grace and peace be yours today. May you join me in fearing less and savoring freedom. His terms; not ours.

Nice neighbors

2007-12-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

A few days later and it seems that all is not lost. The neighbors I really liked didn't actually put my barking dog or me on the wanted list. In fact, they didn't hear the dog. Or even tap dancing children. Of course, they are a bit older and he was a fighter pilot, but still. The cranky neighbors down the hall assured me it must have been a bigger dig they complained about when I offered my apologies. I assured them that my little dog feels big and that I believed the problem would be solved, although it was sadly only after two months of inconveniencing them. Not much for them to say to all that and a Have a nice evening to boot...Next stop the neighbors I find to be friendly but busy and elusive. I won't spend too much time trying to catch up with them though. I think I am ready to close the door on all of the drama. Much better to dwell on the good. And there is good. Because there is always good.

My neighbors who were horrified that a nice girl like me had been tormented by the property manager called him and told him not to leave any impression that they were in this with him. I was told to keep my barking dog for protection and not to let grumpy neighbors get the best of my muffin toting self. Of course, I can't really let the dog harass the neighbors, but it is awfully nice to have a cheerleader. Usually, my mother in law fills that rolse, but she's been sick.

Also on the plus side, I think we found a live candidate for a babysitter. Thsi one arrives on time, doesn't fusge with her arrival and departure times or spend two hours telling my DS he's adorable and slighting the princess. I'm still not sure what happened there, but hose of you who know the DD will know that sh is not usually curled up near fetal ignoring someone who might be charmed, entertained or provide enertainment. All she could say afterwards was I know I'm not a baby, but do people have to ignore me? so much for that one... but now, it appears we have a winner. And she has daytime availability! Yay! If this homeschooling is going to work, I have to figure out how to put on my oxygen mask.

More pluses: Today was day one of Angel Tree shopping. It's my number one all time favorite way to celebrate a holiday any holiday actually. However, there aren't so many trees in July, so I find them in Novemeber and January. And just like wherever you live, there are always plenty to be found. Here in town, I can walk to two. That goes back to earlier pluses...walking and biking :)

So as you can see, my hormones have stabilized and the sun still shines. Oh alright, not at 11:41 at night. Which reminds me, it's time to turn out the lights.
May your joy overflow!

My loudmouth dog

2007-12-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!

A cheery knock to my door brought an unwelcome visitor tonight. The condo association manager had come to tell me that since SEPTEMBER my dog has been barking and annoying neighbors.
I'm appalled. I feel horrid. I really do. I like several of my neighbors very much. In fact, I was feeling guilty about moving in March because I didn't want to give them a new set of those bad, evil renters they fear and detest so much. As it turns out, I've been nothing more to them.
I told the gentleman he is not to wait two months to relay such complaints. All he has done is garnered me ill will. And oh I how I really need that on top of everything in my life. It's not enough to live in this gilded land of make believe while my husband travels entirely too much and I try to make nice to people so that one day, just before we move I can actually make friends.
I'm probably exaggerating slightly. I do have a couple of people I like. And about once a month, I have a playdate or whatnot that goes well enough that I think someday this might work out. And of course, I really do feel blessed to go to our church. It's so incredibly alive and useful in life. Quite unlike any church I've ever been to. And my husband does not always travel. In fact, he was home for two weeks and his most recent trip has been aborted and we'll pick him up midweek. But it's hard to remain chipper about things when you find out just before bedtime that your neighbors are REALLY not liking you and your loud mouth dog.

So for now, I've shut the windows and turned on the air again. I'll get the crate out of the car. Where it's probably been since September. And I'll try not to feel too badly that this wasn't address back in Sep so that I could have fixed it promptly. And if all else fails, I told the manager he could freely relate that if it isn't fixed, we'll be moving in March. No need to feel guilty about giving the nice neighbors a whole new set of transients to get used to.

Hey you know what, there is just always a bright side isn't there? Of course, I think Mr Manager wasn't sure what to make of that answer. But I truly was trying to make his job easier. After all, my dog does indeed bark at other dogs, loud children and slamming doors. And if my efforts fail, I will be moving on in March.

I'll try very hard not to wish it was back to Bloomington. Where except for my mother dying, life seemed manageable. Because maybe, being mom on call there would be any harder than being mom on call here. Except that I didn't get shunned for not being a spiffy dresser or knowing the in people.

And now, I'd better temper my obviously bonkers hormones. Good night all!

Ikea opens in Orlando

2007-11-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ikea has opened in Orlando. I thought about resisting an opening day visit. After all, it's a waste of gas. I didn't actually need anything from there. And, it would be packed. And it was. In the end, I could not resist. Following my DD's creative and patient explanations that she had been hoping to see such an event herself, I caved. I assure you that after visiting atleast 11 Ikeas in 3 countries, I needed little urging.

After parking 1/2 a mile away and pushing the stroller through dirt, freshly mowed hay and small trenches, we then joined thousands of people in the store. We could not move without someone in yellow directing us towards the arrows. I wanted to tell them I knew how these things worked. However, they didn't really seem to need or want my snappy replies. and so we went on. After approximately 50 yds upstairs, and an absolutely packed cafeteria, we went back dowstairs. after fortifying ourselves with Cheese Strombolis, meatballs for my little carnivores and cinnamon rolls for all we decided on a new plan.

DD wanted to go to the play area. So off she went to the supervised, ball packed, kid place. I took DS and explored the downstairs. After watching hordes of people decide on which plates, shelves and Swedish cookies to purchase I retrieved DD.

We skipped freebie umbrellas and deeply discounted opening day specials. If the lines had not covered half a football field in length and width it might have been harder. As it was, I felt relieved to have found nothing I "had" to have...other than cinnamon rolls.

And so it was, we finally went to an opening day at Ikea. We felt as though we had seen something truly special. A birthing of shopping madness and a cultural icon right her in Orlando. Now, Orlando is truly more than Mickey Mouse :)

As for me, I think I don't need to do this opening day thing again. Atleast not until the day I try a campout for the best deals on breakfast and shelving.

Busy, busy, busy

2007-09-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

Even though it's almost October, things are heating up here in sunny Celebration. In addition to the usual suspects and events, we're adding a few new ones to the mix. This week, I'll be kicking off a walking group here in town. Twice a week we'll meet to renew our spirits, energize our bodies and wear down our shoe leather. Armed with my trusty bag of tricks for the kids, a new devotion for every session and a first aid kit, we'll be out and about growing stronger with each step.
During this time, I'll be blogging more often. I'll be talking about change, purpose, courage and more. I hope you'll tune in and spread the word. Maybe you can start your own little group in your corner of the world. If you do, be sure to drop me a line, here or via email: dlacker@hotmail.com

When our stories are connected we suddenly turn into an amazing book filled with compassion, dreams and zesty living.

Falling into things

2007-09-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

There's a lot happening in our little corner of the world. DH continues to travel. Kids continue to grow. I continue to find new mischief.

Last month marked the beginning of our official start in homeschooling. It's a subject that inspires all kinds of comments....some nice and some not so nice. The fact is that I often find it strange that we are doing it. Like a magnet, it's been pulling us inward since DD was an infant.
And so, I've spent the last several years reading everything I could find on the subject and making friends with homeschooling families. I find they come in all varieties. There are granolas, conservatives, gypsies and drop outs. Every family has their own take on it. Like fingerprints or seashells. No one does it quite like the other. So here we are. Trying to make it all work.

The bummer of it all is that I am really forced to examine my own character flaws. That part is not so fun.
We're lucky though. We have found a wonderful private school that has a separate homeschool program, in addition to a mighty fine conventional program. Families may choose one day or two day options. It's a bit far and not exactly inexpensive. We are going for the one day a week choice. Thus far, DD loves it. She gets play time, gymnastics, stories, experiments and a chance to make a working relationship with a "teacher". A little tradition is not a bad thing. All parents are highly committed to helping their children really have a wide variety of experiences. The kids are excited to be there. And I must confess, I do like having the social outlet myself.

It is so strange how I find myself on this path though. I always thought I wanted to be the room mother. It turns out I want to be the teacher. It's so neat to watch someone get it. And it's even better when you can help and not force it to happen. Those are the best moments. The worst are when every body needs something right at that moment and I think my head will explode. That's what I mean about my own character flaws. Gotta work on deep breathing, priorities and expectations. It will come.
I do think I would be happier working with several children at a time. It's too quiet with just us sometimes. I guess that's the hazard of big families. You like a little chaos in your life :)

Seriously though, I have been fantasizing that someday, I'll be in my own little one room schoolhouse. Not sure where it will be though. Am I ever ;)

Promises

2007-07-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny. I've no idea how long it's been since I've posted. I think it's been an eternity. We've been to NC and back. I gardened, reflected and put down more heart roots in NC. Now we are back. Although I long for a house to nest in, I really don't believe it is here for the long term. I do believe I am here for the time being though and am to bloom in the planting.
Part of me dreads being here. It seems so high profile. I hate political news that brings terroism updates. I imagine Orlando being a great target. On the other hand, living in fear will deprive me of the chance to live out my call here. And I do believe it was a call to come here, it certainly was not my top choice. Over and over again, I see God's plan unfolding and I am reduced to silence as I see how our lives might grow.

So for now, I seek to know my neighbors better. I savor the week in NC. I stick out the heat. I resist the temptation to pack it all up and move on. I rejoice and take comfort in the gift of an amazing church.

Celebrate Church is the kind of church that gives me a glimpse of how people could have been so excited by Jesus they would have risked everything to follow him. Social conventions and familial expectations can be severe. Yet, some people were willing to walk away from it all to follow Jesus. In all my years of church attendance and in all the churches I have visited, I have never seen such amazing love and dedication as in this funny movie theater church. My wish for everyone is to have a church like this in their lives.
Celebrate exists to know and love people. It seeks to introduce people to God and his loving son in response to the grace and power its various members have experienced, not out of fear and condemnation. Fear and the after life seems very minor to the glory and purpose of a life spent walking with an awesome God. And the people respond. It's beautiful to see the lives changed.

In fact, every time I contemplate throwing in the towel here, I am reminded of this church and how God will sustain our family here and we will come to our own personal promised land. And my personal promised land has room for a garden, maybe a chicken and perhaps a downtown with stores I would actually shop at :). And I am reminded of how much I have to learn about walking with and trusting God.
In the meantime, I better get some sleep because I'm on my own tomorrow and my babies will give me a run for my money.

Milestone moments

2007-06-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

My DD passed a milestone tonight. She has a favorite song and it isn't a Barney song. Very strange. I still remember having to sing I've been working on the railroad to get through the grocery store. Good news though. she still joins in when I sing Head and Shoulders to amuse her brother. I don't think I'm up to a complete metamorphasis just yet.

Oh Canada!

2007-06-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

I remember now how much I love about Canada. It's not enough that it's beautiful. Or that Canadian's have a lyrical way of speaking that really does end with "eh." There's the fact that donuts are a national treasure. Ok, I may be exaggerating, but they do take their donuts very seriously here. I respect that. donuts have to be my number one child hood comfort food. Forget all my fancy fitness knowledge while I go on for a minute here. There's no dunkin donuts here. tim Horton is the chain name and there are plenty of those. But there are also many others who advertise their freshly made wares. My head turns backwards at every sign and my voice says with satisfaction, "oh." And yet, I still haven't had a single one on this trip. because I know that once I start, there may be no return :)

That aside, I love how friendly people are here. Of couse, not everybody is. I'm not a dope. But realy, I find that people are far more polite and friendly here. And funny. It may that this is British Columbia and sarcasm is a fine art here.

The dinge on the buildings takes me aback though. Weather can be harsh here and the buildings take a beating. Paint is grey and chipped. The air is kind of grey. But there is a briskness that helps to compensate and a greenery that seduces. I went to walk around Home Depot this morning just to fantasize about garden possibilities on my patio back home. Yes folks, Home Depot is here too.

I'm also not sure what to think about the fact that the Canadian Lunie (dollar) has caught up with America's George. I think I rather liked being the wealthy tourist. Now, the Canadian economy is doing jsut fine without us. I guess the rest of the world isn't having much confidence in America these days. Of course, I had a clue from various world articles, but there is nothing like seeing it all up close, with your wallet.

It's good to be back here. It'll be good to go back too. Sure, I'll miss the mountain range view from the ocean. Eventually, I'll quit wondering where I lost the disposable camera full of great pictures. I'll be conent without knowing that Ikea is only 20 minutes away. After all, I'm supposed to be in purge mode still. And finally, once I go home, I can stop salivating at the thought of all these donuts!

Vancouver

2007-06-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

After a bit of whirlwind, we find ourselves in Langley, BC, outside of Vancouver. It's beautiful here. Mountains, forests, streams and one very, very nice downtown area. Being the northwest, it also has an encouraging number of holistic health practitioners and alternative lifestyles. While, I haven't seen any slings yet, I have seen an impressive amount of health food stores, martial arts and fair trade stores. There will be atleas half a dozen farmers markets over the course of a week. This weekend, there will be a no car party in Vancouver proper. It all makes me feel as if I live in the wrong place. None of these things are really an easy thing to pursue in the south. although, my old town, Marietta now has a couple of locally grown farmers markets going. YAY!!

Any way. So we are here in beautiful British Columbia. We'll be here for about two weeks. Then we are scheduled to fly home. DH will hopefully know his next assignment by then. I find myself hoping it is on the west coast and that we can just stay out here. Unlike Dorothy, I do not want to go home just yet. I'd rather do laundry and dishes here, with stock piled quarters and in a dinky mini sink. Go figure.

Kids are set to wake up soon. We have black out curtains on the wondow. I love those. People can sleep really well when you mess with the lighting :) Of course, out here, it still is 630AM. That all being said, my DD just woke up and it's time to get breakfast ans get started on the day.
Signing off.

Who knew?

2007-05-19T18:24:00.001-07:00

We went to Gator Land today. For those of you who don;t know, Gatorland is a kitschy Old Florida attraction with A LOT of alligators. Who would have thought!

It was abit unnerving at first. Reptiles are not my favorites. Hard to imagine they have a place in the universe. Also hard to say which fear is greater, snakes or alligators. I think I have to go with snakes because it's easier to avoid alligators.

My DS, who has very little fear, would touch anything that he found-dead or alive. My DD can usually be given some reason, and I try to be truthful, saying that it's beyond my comfort zone and she has to wait for another adult. Yay, a breather!

All in all though, it was a wonderful day. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.

Be contagious

2007-05-19T18:13:00.001-07:00

As I read the news today, I had to shake my head at how cruel it is sometimes. Rapes, murders, drug abuse, poverty. All the signs and symptoms of humans "in control" or out of it as the case may be.

I'm reading a history book to DD, among other lighthearted choices, and she wants to know how come wars happen. I try to explain but somehow, my answers don't really do it. Yours probably don't either.

Instead, I have to fall back on the knowledge that through it all is the presence of a God who would love to reign over a peaceful, majestic world. And until he takes back the precious heirloom He let his children hold, this world will have and continue to show cracks, chips and down right disaster.

So one step at a time I think. Father may I want your will above all else. May I crave your ways over mine. May it be a contagious spirit.

We're back

2007-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

If it's not one thing, it's another. We've had our ample share of germs flying and oozing around here this week. Nice image, huh? I couldn't resist sharing. It was a secondary cost to our very, very fine vaation. And considering how much we enjoyed it, it seems like a small price to pay. Of course, that may also be because I went to the Dr's today and got some antibiotics for the kidlets. I wasn't feeling up to week 2 of sickness.

It just occurs to me now that I am indeed doing less talking in general these days. This could be because we haven't been around too many people. I will be tested no doubt when I finally speak to another adult living person in RL. Perhaps, that will happen next week :)

In another direction, I've been thinking about one of my favorite topics lately: Resiliency. Why one fishy makes it and the other doesn't. That sort of thing. We all know people who have made it against tough odds. They came from nothing and built an empire. Or they lost everything and yet filled the world with such grace that everything else fell away. Those are the people who make us proud, envious and even shamed somestimes. I love those stories. Extreme Chicken soup stuff.

I've read various books and studies on the subject, but I'm hoping for a bit more. If you or someone you know has an incredible story to tell, please send them my way. I'm convinced that these stories can make a huge difference for someone else. I'm a blabber mouth by nature. But there's only so much I can say about wonder drugs from the pediatrician or even alligators for that matter. It's when I get to hear and share the real joys and miracles of life that things get fun around here.

So toss around that life story of yours that you've been mulling over. Pass on your best buddies or coworkers name, with their permission of course. Share some of the lessons you've already learned, because neither I, nor the readers here, or the audiences I meet will have time to make all the mistakes to be made on their own dime. Get connected and help change the world! ( blabbermouth and an optimist...hopeless :)

Send your private responses to dlacker@hotmail.com

Looking up and on

2007-05-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I know I've been pretty quiet lately. It's been busy in a good way. We've been busy with things like paints, scissors and glue. Then there's been the packing and driving. We've been doing lots of reading. It seems trivial when I put it down, but these all used to be regular things in our days. Normal until the bottom fell out of my careful, know it all Attachment Parenting/homeschool prone life. So their return signifies a healing that has come. And I am profoundly grateful.

We celebrated my brother's 2yr anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And my mom's 1yr date is coming next week. I know there is no amount of time or events that make it all right, good things have happened that bring blessings beneath the shadow of the events. Some day, I wonder if these events will overshadow the actual event. I both hope and do not.

The young lady my brother had been seeing had a wake up call and returned to school. She just finished her program with honors and is now looking for a job. She brought along a friend on the adventure. Two lives challenged to rise above. Yay God! My mother is gone, but my dad works much harder at being involved in the lives of my siblings. Yay God! Nothing will bring loved ones back back, but I treasure ordinary days much more than I might have otherwise. Yay God! Awkward moments when someone is stressed or tired might have been moments to gloss over before. I worried too much about what they might think of me. Now I know the opportunity to share love and peace is worth way more than pride. I seek to pass on the grace that I have been given. Yay God!

And, I noticed that I talk too much sometimes. So I'm listening more. Funny thing for someone to say on a blog, the ultimate modern soapbox. It's true though. I've probably missed some really fabulous stories along the way. SO, I'm trying to listen more and talk less. Sometimes I succeed :)

When I return from my upcoming trip, I hope to start a new project. I'm excited about it and am working out the details. I hope many of you will be excited as well and want to help.

Until next time, may grace find you in big and small ways. May you live in the boldness of a God who created you, a beautiful note in a magnificent symphony. Play your part with gusto!

And then some

2007-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

DH is NOT going to be on the bench after all. As always, we are being taken care of in ways we cannot even guess. He is already en route to his next assignment. He has been sent to just the assignment he was hoping for but had almost given up that hope.

There are times I am just delighted to be on this crazy adventure called life! I am totally and completely captivated by the wondrous things God can do.

I like to think that my mom is watching the events of our life and is excited and amazed by it all.

Tomorrow, I will join the homeschool group here in town for a field trip. I want it to go well. I've been skittish of the group for various reasons. However, it's time to get over myself and find out what they are all about. Every body has a story and I'll never learn it if I am too shy/prideful/worried or distracted to learn it.

family updates

2007-04-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to switch gears and give a brief update on the crew.

We are all well, although DH is about to be on the bench again. This means he has no client after his current job. We are waiting to see what the next opportunity will be. The kids are fighting off colds, so there are a lot of chapped lips and noses here.
DD has started TAe Kwon Do. She has been taking classes for about 6weeks now. She is the smallest one in her class, but oh so feisty. I had to explain to her that she is not to use or threaten to use her skills on someone outside of practice unless she is in danger. Normal stuff for kids. They are so excited about their new found hobby that they want to try it out and see if it works.

The school has started a day class for grownups. I am beyond excited. The first day, I woke up hours early. The kids are adjusting to amusing themselves during the practice time. There are toys, videos and books at this very family friendly school.

Noah watches all of this and tries to run on the mat occasionally. He also mimics his sister when she is stretching or jumping. It's very cute!

I feel compelled to mention the dog. He is, as usual, terribly neglected. We do walk and feed him, most of the time with regularity. He still sleeps on the bed when there is room. But the days of toys and chewies are mostly gone. Poor doggy!

And our really big excitement is that we will go on a cruise in a few weeks. We have never been on a vacation of this magnitude before. We are SO excited. It has been booked for sometime. We'll be joined by several members of DH's family. Have I mentioned we are excited? My big hope is that the children like the kid's club so that we can leave them there several times over the week. I'm pretty sure I can hear the spa and hot tubs calling my name from here!

Enough click clack from me!
It's time to make lunch.

Happy Easter

2007-04-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

Lent is officially over! Woohoo! So what did I learn from all this vegan exploration and self denial?

I can get grumpy when I have to give up some control and pleasure. I had to consciously make myself move on from the temptation to be crabby.

It was easier for my husband, but as time went on, he realized other things that might be an issue, as did I.

I learned to think about other things and not dwell on whether I might be fat or not. Even though I was not eating meat, dairy or eggs, I was the closest to not worrying about my food that I have been since childhood.

God wants to do bigger and better things in all of our lives, but we have to invite Him to do it.

I can let God help me with everything. Including what to do when the kids put shaving cream, cereal, sand or legos everywhere.

That forty days is both long and short depending on what you are up to.

Finally, that Easter is an amazing expression of product delivery. Jesus said no one and nothing would keep Him from bring us closer to the Father. Nothing could take His life unless He chose to give it. And it didn't. The same God who parted the sea, tamed lions and gave sight to the blind sent His spirit, His Son, a human form, named Jesus, to help us get through whatever wears us down. He is a God of grace. So no matter how hard I or anyone else tries to be good, no matter how many omelettes I skip, I still won't be able to rise above all of life's down and dirty fastballs without some major back up. That's where that grace comes in. Try as I might to get it all right, I won't. I'll get tired, grumpy, discouraged or angry. And when I do, God can cover the rest and make me more than enough for whatever situation I'm in. If I let Him.

Now that Lent is over, I'm hesitant to embrace the things that made me more mindful. I am thinking of a new way to keep focused.

If you've got something that really works in your life, I'd love to hear it. I can be reached at dlacker@hotmail.com

May the joy of Spring be yours!

confession

2007-04-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

I had a thought. Just one. They can be so fleeting :)

I've been wrong about confession. I heard all those hyms and saw the alter calls and thought Salvation was about us stumbling our way home. And although I still think that's part of it. I know there's more.

It's not all about us and our inadequacies.
It's about God. It's about us making the first move to know Him.
Here's how it goes.

God, this is who I am. I am impatient, headstrong and sometimes impulsive and cranky.
Who are you?
God then wraps me in His arms and shows me.
He is a creator, an inventor, a healer, a provider, a teacher, a counselor, and a friend.
The more I seek to know Him, the more He reveals. It's almost as if He's shy. But He's not. He knows I would run away of I saw and felt all of His power, intention and knowledge at once. So instead, he goes at my pace.
But first, I have to start the conversation. Sometimes, confession is a good place to start.

Home again

2007-03-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much you can get slammed with after an especially wonderful and uplifting time with God. This may sound odd to some and make perfect sense to others.
The story is this:
After several weeks of study and prayer, I led a short study in Atlanta for a women's group at Powers Ferry UMC. The study went well. My visit to Atlanta was restorative and uplifting. I had lots of creative ideas for what to do next here at home. Then it came time to actually go home.
I did NOT want to go! I dragged my feet. I added another day. We stopped in Ocala to visit my MIL. We finally arrived home to find the cleaning fairy had skipped our house. Rats! I'd better leave cookies next time... So there were all the clothes and toys we hadn't brought on the trip. Plus, a hundred little papers and dust bunnies. Topping it off were two kids who were just all done with sitting quietly. Maybe it wasn't all that bad now that I think about it. It just seemed awful because it was such a let down. Who would have imagined that coming home to the land next to the Land of Pixie Dust could be such a bummer?

The first morning we were still tired and grumpy until we went for a walk. By the time we arrived home after lunch, things had brightened considerably. By bed time I was feeling much better and able to cope with things here.

One of the last things I read last night was about how we often need to reclaim God's peace over and over again. You know, when we get all upset upset over something, tell ourselves we will let it go, but then we can't? Choosing peace is not the same as being passive. It's much harder.

When I was awakened this morning at the crazy hour of 5 something, I first questioned it. But I decided that spending a little time with God might do me way more good than a little extra sleep. The Psalms I read oddly centered on God's protection in troubling times. God's steadfast presence and later verses highlighted Jesus's commitment to bring peace to our lives. As an added bonus, I went back to sleep after a bit and everyone slept an extra 50 minutes. Woohoo!!!

Today, I saw my grumpy mood for what it was. A spiritual enemy (yes, I do believe in such things) trying to distract my focus from my purpose here. Not that I know my exact purpose, but I'm pretty sure it does not include sitting in my sunny, condo with a water view and moping about how none of my friends are here. It was an attempt to rattle my confidence in a God who pulled everything together last week and many, many other times before. And when I called it as such, my peace began to return and the grumpies faded. Go figure.

Thank you to all of you who send notes and comment publicly. It really helps me to strive for faithfulness. A little accountability goes a long way. Without it, I might sucked into the grinch vortex!

Just a thought

2007-03-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

I often wonder what God has in mind for us here. I do not feel at home in this place. I try and remember that none of this is supposed to be my home. But, you know what I mean. It's nice to know your place in the world. Good to know you have foks you could call in a pinch. It's comforting to know you have people who have seen you with mismatched clothes and love you anyway. I have all that. Just not here.
It's hard to imagine I would have that here actually. There are so few moments when I really click with someone these days. I spend a disproportianate amount of time wondering what I should have said or done differently. It's like being in Jr High.
In spite of these feelings, this week has been better. I still haven't found my spot. But, I've gotten the message from numerous sources to have faith. And so I am. If nothing else, I'm learning over and over how little I know :) Always good to know who's in charge of things, and I it's not me.

updates

2007-03-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

Birthday parties seem so strange without cake. Mostly I just feel out of sorts watching everyone else chow down. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

Really though, it has been a VERY good weekend. We had good family time. We all had a little time to relax and do something for ourselves, no matter how minor. Plus, I got to work in the church nursery. Yay God all around.

Resting in more grace than I know what to do with...
How about you?

little miracles

2007-02-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

I've got to share a story, a little miracle if you will. It certainly is to me.

I bought a bike last Spring. I've blogged about it before. I hooked a trailer up to it and the kids and I explored Bloomington and then Celebration in it. I would ride along and reflect on how things would work out. I would pray and talk to God. I just rejoiced in being alive. Then, my DD decided she was done with it. She said she's too big for it, but I suspected she also enjoyed the power. I know that's petty and susopicious. But she sounded awfully triumphant the times she told me she would no longer be riding in it. Then, her rebellion spread to my DS. And so, with much sadness and stomping about, I packed it up.

I was very mad. How could my family betray me? How could they begrudge my happiness after all that has happened? What of my sacrifices for them? Oh I know. They're kids/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. My rational self knows that. But my inside kid self wanted to stomp about a bit. Then, I got on with things, because it's not really helpful to carry on that way.

So then, I started fantasizing about the other alternatives. I looked up big, touristy surreys and pedicab trailers. When I saw the price tags, I quickly moved on from those thoughts. Way out of the realm of possibility for my little library hopping, post office going self. No more deer sightings on my bike for me.
Then, I found my self in Jax for my aunt's funeral. I had been reluctant to go, yet didn't want to stay away. So there I was. While there, I went to visit another aunt. And there it was. My little present from God.
In her dining room was a three wheeled bike with a chariot style pedicab attached. Imagine tourist bikes of the fifties on Coney Island or Atlantic City. This bike was a beautiful, silver chariot. A glimmer of my freedom and healing resurfaced. And then I found out it was for sale. Yup.
After many, many dances and exclamations of delight, the bike was packed on to my cousin's truck. He and my father worked to improve the brakes and they delivered it to my house a week later.
Can you imagine the spectacular generosity of a God who knows the desires of my heart and gives them without ties? Even before I could ask, He already said yes.
Yes doesn't mean it's a piece of cake though. The bike is heavy. The kids are heavy and after a couple of miles, I was breathing harder than I have in awhile. It was definitely work. Every pedal was a chance to reflect on how absolutely unexpected this was. Every idea I might have had was nothing to how this just fell into being. Without my help. Go figure.
God used real items and regular people to knock the socks off of me. I hope He uses my regular self and some real items to knock the socks off someone else soon. I want to share the dancing.

Active Waiting

2007-02-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

I was right. This Lent thing is hard. I was pretty sure that I had some unresolved food issues. This doesn't surprise me. The chemical dependencies in my family can be extreme. I knew that sugar and alcohol often affect the same area of the brain in people. But, I'm not quite certain that that is my nemesis. After all, I turned down vegetarian jelly beans even though they are allowed.
But there is definitely something going on here. Yesterday, I was exhausted from many short travels and too little sleep. Plus, I'm adjusting to my new routines. And then I realized that the thought of no eggs was going to make me cry. What kinda garbage is that!!!???

After realizing that I am probably going through some kind of detox and withdrawal, I picked up some Bcomplex and started on my multi vitamins. Hopefully, I will make it past this and stay focused on the real event.

I was thinking the other day how this is all to practice being in a position that puts God first. God created heaven and earth. He doesn't need my leftover eggs or someone else's bacon or chocolate. He needs us to be willing to lay down our desires and take on His. My husband has said several times that I don't need to do this if I don't want to or if it's too hard. But now, I have to. I have to continue for two fold. First, if there is anything that has this big of a hold on me, other than my family, I want to cut it loose. It might be getting in the way of what God can do with my life. Second, I sure hate to back down from a challenge. Every little victory prepares us for the next one. I never know when I'm going to need to get through something harder.

I've got a lot of life changes happening. Many are exciting, a good deal of them are big and a little scary. I'm trying to go very, very carefully without losing sight of the map. And without secretly trading His map for mine. It's not easy. So feel free to say an extra prayer for me. I believe that I will be most at peace when I am fully walking in His plan. That's the problem though. I like walking and I hate waiting. I read a book once that called it active waiting. I like that.

And while I am waiting, I will stop frequently to praise an amazing God who loves His children and has plans for them. I will stop to wonder at what it will be like when this world is humbled and drawn close to Him. I will imagine that every person I know has turned away from the things that separate us from God to seek His will with anticipation and joy. Tall order I know. But I have to think of something during Lent, because otherwise, I might just focus on how many yummy things are made with eggs, butter and sugar. Then I will miss all the really good stuff in life.

House cleaning

2007-02-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous I think. We are going to observe Lent. This is a first time for our family. Oddly, the effort is being led by my husband, an almost entirely unobservant Jew. However, over the last few years it has been evident that changes are underway for all of us. And so, in a nit quite natural development, we have chosen something to give up or change about our lives. Over the last few days, it has come to me that I am really nervous.

It's like the old saying" some of my best friends are xyz"...well I've known some fine people who gave up things for Lent. But I never did. Every once in awhile, I told my self it was because God doesn't need our sacrifices. That his love and grace covers everything we could ever do. That would be fine I think, except for one minor thing. I didn't observe Lent because I didn't want to. It's not nice to be uncomfortable.

Nice huh? I'm scared too. I'm worried about creature comforts. I don't drink cow milk or eat a lot of cheese. I don't eat meat or fish. So I've been thinking I'm kiind of entitled to eggs. I like those a lot. As of next Wednesday, those will be gone. I wonder what's left. I think about eating oatmeal every day. I think maybe I will start eating beans for breakfast. I will pretend I 'm British. I practiced last week actually. I didn't eat breakfast as early as I normally do due to a DR's appt and some blood work. When I got home, I had tofu and veggie stirfy at 10:15 AM.

I know this is crazy. It's just food right? Except it's not. I knew it the minute my DH suggested that he would perhaps go vegan for Lent. I rebelled immediately. What would be the point I asked. Isn't that harsh I asked. At some point I realized that my reluctance meant that perhaps I was being shown how much I needed to let go.

I've been wondering if my reluctance is because I think I am good enough already. I've already got my bible verse memorized teacher. That thought isn't any prettier than my others. I don't have any sacrifices to offer God because I am just so hunky dory that I give Him my best every day??? Yeah right. Not even on my best day.

So now, in my last week before the fun starts, I'm getting ready. I've started reading some of those unread stories of faith on my bookshelf. I'm lingering a bit more with those Bible verses. I know there's no way I'm going to stay off the eggs without some help and encouragement. And if nothing else, because if I'm going to clean house so thoroughly, I might as well check the foundation and beams while I'm at it.

Home front

2007-02-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have heard about the storms that have whipped through FL. We are fine, but I am feeling antsy. It seems the only way to help is to donate money. Money is good. But it's remote.

I feel useless and priveldged as I sit here. Guilty and glad we are fine. I look out my window at the pond and the chaos and hurt feels so far. It's amazing what an 800 number and no TV can do for creating distance between me and a disaster.

All is fine on other fronts. DH is working from home temporarily. It isn't his first choice. Probably not his second choice ewither. And although he worked at home for 5 years, the year in between has made us unaccustomed to his in and out again presence. We are adjusting to the changes. DD has been evicted from her room. The den has been reconfigured. Laundry has taken second stage to moving toys, books and exercise equipment.

In between broken computers and moving things, I am studying for a Youth Fitness certification and trying to write more. DD is learning to read. She hopes to start swim lessons next week. DS is being charming and mischievous. He is saying a few understandeable words. Mostly, he just does what ever he thinks is best. He's an independent little guy.

And now, it's time to read another story, figure out dinner and move the diapers to the dryer.
Until next time...

Forever and a day

2007-01-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

Is how long I will miss you. Happy Birthday.

A Side Note

2007-01-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

I hate those roadway crosses
And those white safety circles
each one a memorial
a whisper
Of a life gone in an instant
Keening mothers, grieving sisters
Tea steeped in tears.
Of empty rooms and aborted futures.
I hate those teddy bears
For tomorrow's angels, recruited,
From yesterday's sinners.
Each name, each marker
Makes me want to find the lonely,
The abandoned, the cheated
To say I know. I really do.

yammering

2007-01-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

Geneaology is a dangerous addiction. Tonight I spent hours looking for my father's maternal lineage. I have finally found the fabled book some dead relative wrote. It's real. Of course, it was probably a vanity book and there are probably only a handful of copies in existance. Googling it shows nothing up for grabs. And the lone famly copy is said to have been stolen by another far flung descendant some years ago. Dang schoolteachers... Seems a cousin took it to school for show and tell and it never came home. In any event, I have seen a reference to said book. Very exciting. Now I would like to figure out which relative was native American and what her tribal name was.
I could and should be doing so many other things, But I have always loved research. If you want to know some odd thing. I am your gal. Go figure. The hard part has always been actually writing it all up. I was the one with 25 overdue library books for 6 weeks while I thought about all the possible story lines in a project. In the end, I would wait just wait long enuugh for it all to flow out my fingers as I clacked in the night, white out by my side.
So, instead of studying about youth fitness tonight, I was trying to find links between far off folks. And now, I am tired, but still wound up. I have a feeling I will pay dearly tomorrow. I think it can be very comforting to know where you are in hostory. I research and I scrapbook. I guess it's one hand behind and one in front. I hope that doesn't mean I will let something slip in the now. Probably not. I really don't spend a lot of time in either activity these days.

On another note, I wanted to add to my post the other day. I really am fine. In fact, I am much more peaceful than I have been in sometime. There is no reason to fear or offer reassurances. Although, I do like know I am loved :)

And yet another tangent, my computer is once again being diffficult. Bad, bad computer. The plug will not stay in.It is nearing the end of it's life with me. I am reluctant to let it go though. It was my first such luxury item. The first perk of being the resident domestic goddess. I do not travel to far off conferences where they ply me with good food, wine and outings. Instead, I eat spaghetti and eggs at home with children. Of course, I actually like those items, but shhh, don;t blow my cover! Now, though, I have my laptop. It was a big moment for me and I am loathe to sever our relationship. I suspect that I will fix this one AGAIN and continue to use it. I am a sentimental fool. But you all knew that...

I have met a friend here. I am so excited. A real, live, mommy friend. She's got a wicked sense of humor and down right sensible. No designer diaper bags either. We went to the science museum yesterday and she didn't even blink when my princess discovered that poophead, poophead made a nice song. Her policy is to let those sorts of things die out naturally. Not sure if I am ready to try that quite yet. But it was definitely good not to get the bad mommy stares. I hate those.

I will confess, my children go without coats if they are old enough to tell me no in some fashion. I do bring it along just in case- most of the time. They eat the same foods repeatedly. My eldest thinks I'm not any fun because she can't have heelies(sp?) I let them jump on hotel beds occasionally. And they regularly run and shout in the house. Oh yeah, I never have diaper wipes with me and I didn't write down what the kids liked and didn't like when they finally got some big people food. It was a family thing. In my family, they shove a little of whatever is around in the kids and never miss a beat with their own fork...

Alright. enough irreverance. I suspect it is truly time for some sleep. I think soon I will be saying all kinds of things that I might question tomorrow.

Good night from the land of Pixie Dust.

Passing through

2007-01-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

I missed something big. I did. It was in front of my face but it was too hard to see. I just cannot control all of life. I hear some of you snickering. No need. I am sufficiently chastened.

I wanted Celebration to be our last stop for awhile. Not because it is the best place on earth. but because I don't want to move again. Now again, I hear the tsking. I *know* we don't "have" to move. But in a way, I do if I am going to be fully engaged in this experiment. Not that it has come to that. We aen't packing as I write. I just have to be open to whatever may come. And I violated that. I did not want live in the unknown so I was attempting to make everything known. And I have been mighty unhappy with the results.

So, today, I sought forgiveness for all those affected by my need to have all my ducks aligned. And I have, again, gotten back up or down as the case may be.

I was humbled by the thought that none of this is my home. We are all just passing by. We are born, carry on our causes and then we drift away. This is not an invitation to melancholy though. Instead, it is an invitation to freedom. We get caught up in the idea that we can control everything and therefore are responsible for it all. We can't and we aren't. I know some of you knew that. I bet atleast one of you didn't. Atleast I hope. Otherwise, I'll feel sooo lonely...

Today, my soul came back. I was sitting in a movie theater church. The service hadn't started for everyone else. For me it could have been all over. Except it wasn't. Sometimes, God continues bringing out the best long after you think the kitchen should or would be closed.

So there I was, finally, after almost 15 months, thinking I am going to be just fine. Maybe even better. Even though nothing has changed. Even though still I get no rewrites. I'm just passing through and that means I can stop worrying about if we are going to live here, happily ever after. Instead, I will get back to the important work of biking, walking and playing while I contemplate what it means to be really ready for the unknown. And I can't do that if I won't put down the map and loosen up on the reigns. I need to remember to rejoice in this day. For this moment. For this dream. For this tear. I give thanks for the knowledge that all of my transgressions, doubts or fears cannot hope to erase or overshadow the grace and majesty of God.

May the peace and joy I received today be yours.

Perfect moments

2007-01-04T17:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight I saw Charlotte's Web.
I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I feel compelled to share the news though. It was beautiful. It was a fantastic homage to E. B White' classic. It was the right mix of humor, sadness and hope. As I rode home, children in tow, I savored the knowledge that some moments are absolutely perfect. Tonight was one of them.

First night

2007-01-02T05:02:00.000-08:00

We got back from vacation yesterday. I am so tired. Initially, the trip was not going well. The kids were sick and we were struggling to keep them happy and well-behaved in someone else's beautifully decorated apartment. As they began to feel better, but not well enough to prance all over Boston, the munchkins grew even more restless.

In spite of this, there were some highlights. For instance, I've now been to Maine. We hopped over the border from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, Maine. I love it in the North East. How can you not love a place where people regualarly go out in sweat pants. Ok. You might not. But, as for me...

We also got to see the Boston Science Museum (Wow) and the children's museum ( wow again). By the time New Yr's Eve came around, we were feeling much braver and decided to attend First Night events. If I never do another thing for New Yr's Eve again, I am satisfied with the knowledge that it could be as great as the ones I imagined as a kid, where everything is over the top-- Minus the popcorn, movies, and board games with Grandma all night it was the celebration of a lifetime. Boston's firstnight has live entertainment all day, the aquarium, the zoo, historical sites, art and science museums, ice sculptures, huge crowds and lots of energy all for 15.00 a person. There's even a parade and fireworks! We missed a ton of things, yet still feel that we saw a lot. And now, we are home, recovering.

On that note, it's time for me to get beakfast for the troops and start unpacking. I hope I can find some Very Important Papers that have gone missing. OOPS.

Beginning before the end.

2006-12-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

Soon I will say goodbye to 2006. Ok. Really, I said goodbye about a month ago and I've just been checking off days until it was official. I've never been in this place before and it's strange.

I'm so relieved the year is over. I find myself turning the pages and reading ahead the hopes of the new year for fun. It's a bit abstract of course. Alright. My brain is broken and so it's very abstract. Mostly, I think about bike riding, story telling and jumping on imaginary lilly pads as I smile. I think about arts and crafts and singing. I think about how I'm going to grow down a little more.

It's going to be a good year. And if things get rough, I'm going to smile and say I know the sun is shining up ahead.

What about you? What does the year hold for you?

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2006-12-23T18:10:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the land of sun and snoap. I hope this finds you enjoying the best of this year and planning for joy in the next.

Penelope

2006-12-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

We played a great game today. Penelope and Mrs. Picklebottom. Penelope smacks her lips, speaks in an abrasive whine (maybe a bit of Jersey in her) and Mrs. Picklebottom must reign her in. I love being Penelope!
My daughter is not sure what to think. She tried to explain to me that picking everything up in the store and putting things like greeting cards on my head was not the thing to do. She also said Penelope wasn't supposed to do the wiggle her bottom dance in the aisle while holding cards on her head. I feel bad for Penelope. Mrs. Picklebottom doesn't even want her to scratch the inside of her nose. How else is Penelope going to make it stop itching??!!

I think Penelope is going to go out with us more often because it was the easiest round of errands we've ever had. And now, my princess, who never sleeps, is sleeping. Which is good. She was up at 4 this morning.

Hopefully, she and Mrs. Picklebottom will wake up refreshed and ready for Penelope's antics. If not, I will have had enough of a break that I will be ready to play birthday party again.

What would your life be like with more play?

2006-12-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Things have been happening that I could not have foreseen six months ago. It all began the day I visited an overpriced gym featuring weight classes for 5 yr olds. ..

We are beginning yet another adventure. This time, we hope to build a company.

I aim to build a company that brings quality health, fitness and fun into families. There is a time to cry out against injustice and for me that time is now. Human perfection is a myth. It can't be bought, made, swallowed or purged. The more we seek to find the short cut, the more stressed and ill we become. Our new company seeks to teach and model balance in a very crazy world.

I need to do it in a way that honors God and the vision I believe He has for us all. One in which we become closer to Him and willingly go down any path necessary as long as He is there. One in which we are free to live beyond our limited expectations and step into His dream for us. To do that, we have to be strong, healthy and ready. Oddly, I guess I was all of those things since I was not distracted with my own agenda. Except on the days ending with Y and the hours I spent contemplating my motives of fear,greed and pride... But that's another blog.

So, while I've been quiet here, we have been hammering out details for our new baby. I invite you to take a look. Feel free to tell me what you think. I love to hear from you all!

http://playometrics.com

Catching up

2006-12-03T04:10:00.000-08:00

I would start at the beginning. Julie Andrews said it was a good place to start. however, I can't remember when and where that was.

We are in Bloomington, IL again. Russell's contract here will be done at the end of the year. So this was a good time to come visit and do all of the things we enjoyed doing while here. I hope to come back some day, perhaps I can lure my family here with promises of Chicago. However, we are recovering from a snowstorm so now is probably not the time to start campaigning :)

The children are growing, as they tend to do. My daughter is learning to read. This is so exciting for her parents. She enjoys seeing our enthusiasm. She says I can do my happy dance anywhere I want. Our son is finally spouting a few words regularly. He has his favorites. He'll go to great lengths to find the sports pages in the paper so that he can look at it and say "ball." Ducks and dogs also make it to the top ten list. He's got some misc other words in there, but he is not the talker his sister was. Of course, it could be that we aren't the parents we were back then either. I seem to have lost my place in the Mommy wars and that's ok. It's much less work to be genuinely happy for other people's prodigies than worry about where mine are. They are here and they are beautiful.

But still, I had no clue how powerful mother guilt could be when I was younger! I could not have imagined this tendency to second guess so much. Even when I know the sane path. Sometimes I wonder if I am too strict on some things. My daughter will tell me, "this is part of growing up" in the middle of some tantrum or misadventure.

I will say "not here it isn't' or " I don't want to grow a grown up who does such and such" Luckily these things do not happen too much. And sometimes, she's probably right. And so I tell her so sometimes and we start over, with the understanding it will not occur again. If we are lucky, it doesn't. We are all learning.

In any event, we are all well. We fought a brave and victorious battle against some vile cold recently. We were probably due for some such thing, but we were sick for almost two weeks. I was so glad to finally be myself again. Russell was so glad when I was finally myself again.

Now the holidays are here and I flow between the joy of them and the sadness of all that has happened. I try to remember that that is the choice every person makes on any given day. But it's hard. And last night, when I woke yet again in the night from my wild dreams, I had another talk with God.

So much is really good for us. And exciting. I am tired though. Very, very tired. I try to remember though, that I can choose to be sunshine girl. Most of the time it helps.

2006-11-11T18:22:00.000-08:00

I was almost ready to believe this was all a mistake. One we would stick to for the year and walk away from later. And then I saw fireworks from my living room couch. I admit, I'm a sucker for such moments of magic. But, as I watch them, I think whatever the quirks of this place, however tight the cliques, there is a core that continues to move forward with the dream of building this town into a place where families come to grow and connect with others.
Lately, I've been thinking that most people have forgotten how to play well with others. Maybe we never learned. After all, noone sends their kids out to play anymore and "concerned" parents haven't since the 80's. So that's an awful lots of adults and kids who don't really know how to mingle without artificial social constructs. A lot of room for trial and error.
Much to muse upon on the south side of the mouse. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I should know by now not to expect anything. But, I'm an optimist. As I should be. Because you just never know when you are going to look outside your window and see a gorgeous display of fireworks.

Trying

2006-11-09T17:59:00.000-08:00

Today I cried. I think it's been a long time in coming. In answer to my daughter's query, "why?" I could only say that I wanted to. Not my shining moment. On the plus side, she did stop trying to run strangers over with the stroller... and she got in the car instead of being a moving target for other Mommies.

I'm pretty sure I was tired. I'm also sure that I am tired of trying to pull "it" all together. Numerous disappointments today. Bad. Bad. Bad.

But, the day ended well. Veggie nuggets with lots of veggies for dinner and oatmeal for dessert. Yes, we're weird. Tonight, I'll get more sleep. I'm pretty sure the day will be much better tomorrow.

But, if things don't improve, I will dwell on a really super evening entertaining 4 incredibly cute and social little people the other night. That oughta bring out the smiles.

Time for dreamland.

2006-10-31T18:38:00.001-08:00

I seem to be busier than ever before, but I'm not sure with what. The house is a wreck. I haven't finished a book in days. My crafty type things are not even organized enough that I could do them.
It could be in part that we went to Atlanta last week. But, things were like that before we went.
On the plus side, I think we are doing well. The kids are happy. I'm getting tired of playing make believe games with the kids though. I hope we meet nice, mostly well adjusted children soon. Then, they can pretend to be Mickey, Ord, or Jack and Annie (all children's story chaacters) and I can space out on the park bench while I read the mail.

Heading out of town again in a couple of days. It is unlikely my chore list will be empty before I go. I'm thinking no mother gets done with her list until the kids are grown. Atleast, I hope I'll be done by then!

Please help!

2006-10-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

I need your help. I'm doing some research on fitness habits and motivation. I am burning to know if you have a regular exercise routine. I want to know what you do and what you don't. If you haven't done a crunch in 15 years, I'm hoping you'll tell me why. I also hope you will share your best childhood P.E. memory with me. If there aren't any, I hope you'll tell me about that too. If you love me and/or you need good water cooler or playground coversation, maybe you'll enlist your friends to help too!

Thanks!

Yes, Virginia, there are Alligators

2006-10-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Or atleast, one of them. We saw it yesterday. Very cool stuff. I estimate two years old, max. This of course, causes my daughter to ask how I know his name is Max. Later, she decides it doesn't matter if we know his name. The important people or reptiles in his life no doubt do. Atleast, we hope.

Good things

2006-10-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight, we visited with family. What a wonderful thing. It sounds so ordinary, but I think I can count on two hands, maybe a toe or two, the times we have had family visitors since we were married. My husband's parents have been our most frequent visitors. I have always enjoyed them. And my parents have come a couple of times. We've been so far though. And, parents are parents.

Tonight, we went to dinner with cousins who were in town. It was wonderful. I know, I just used that word. And I wish I could think of a better one. There isn't one though. That one says what I think too well. It was absolutely wonderful to laugh often and enjoy the safety that good family can bring.

Now that atleast half the boxes are cleared and most of the furniture is reassembled, I can think about how much I am going to like being closer to so many of the people I love dearly. And it's good thinkin!

Things I need to know

2006-10-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

As we begin to settle in, I am finally able to say that I see the ways this might work into something truly wonderful.

This is not something I say lightly. I have struggled so in this move. I really wanted an 11th hour dispensation from God so that I did not have to move. I know, I know, some of you are thinking I could have stopped this move at any time. But, that would have violated the journey I began with God over two years ago. I couldn't do that. So, in absence of a clear directive to stay in Bloomington, I followed the instigation of my spouse to move to Central Florida. He, btw, felt he was doing this partly for me. And, I guess he was. Funny how these things can happen.

In any event, I continued with this move that I might be better able to move forward when I did not necessarily feel like it 100%. I moved so that I would be forced to rely on God's strength and patience. I moved so that I might not get lost in the trap of building a perfect life that I could control. I moved to practice self-discipline. Karate is a bit hard to get to these days with the kids you know...

There were times I felt I was moving to be closer to family. In the beginning that was the main reason given. As the pace picked up though, there was no ability to dwell on those aspects. This became a challenge of my desires. My resentments. My comfort. Me. Me. Me. And that is really why I needed to go through this move.
Because it is not about me. It's about being a tiny part of a bigger picture. One in which each part needs to work well with others. To know how to exist. And I do not always do this well. I fix. Not so much these days though. Now, I do what I need to get through the day.

I pray for more than enough grace for each day. I pray that I will meet the needs of my family and that we will all grow closer to God. That we might be more than usable. That we would be pleasing. As I ride and walk the streets here, I feel my prayers being answered. As I find moments to talk to near strangers about the quest to be more open to God's provision and leadership in my life, I see glimpses of the future.

Life is so short. Sometimes, we get a re-take. More often, we don't. May Your day be blessed with opportunities to love, to dare, and to be loved.

The first few days

2006-09-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm taking plenty of breaks from packing to wander the streets of Celebration. It is so very strange to be here, finally. I look at the people I pass and wonder if they are visitors or residents. I wonder how long they imagined themselves here before they took the plunge. I wonder who lives in the big houses. Then, I see a lizard cross the path in front of me. I see a wisp of white out of the corner of my eye. I am distracted as I wonder if it is an ibis or egret. I am further distracted by signs warning me from feeding or harassing alligators.
Then, I stop wondering. Time to catch runaway children or do the mommy dance to soothe the baby in the backpack. Time to steal a few more minutes of peace before bedtime and boxes.

We're here

2006-09-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

The truck is unloaded. The boxes are scattered. And we are here. Moving is never easy and that is true now. But, we are giving it 200 percent and I am hopeful that we will work it out. To what end, I do not know. Won't we all be surprised.

Fully engaged

2006-09-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

I do not want to rest on the safe and known in life. I want to continue moving forward. I want to risk the plans I have for my life in the faith that God's plan will be even better. I do not want to talk about trusting God. I want to do it. I want to be fully engaged with God. No benchwarming.

Birthday joys

2006-09-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

I love birthdays. My birthday. Family birthdays. Strangers birthdays. I love waking up and feeling like the day is a grand, beautiful holiday. Last year, we moved into our current home on my birthday. We ate mac and dairy free cheese with peas for dinner. We ate it looking out at the park, exhausted and at peace. I can't remember the year before; I think that means I really am getting older. This year was special too. I enjoyed my last farmers market in Bloomington. My husband and I had a golf lesson (he is better than I am) and we all had a wonderful lunch. I think I napped, but I don't remember that either. I know I packed, but that got lost in the many wonderful things that happened that day. I went for a bike ride before I made dinner. It really was a grand day.

Today was my daughter's birthday. It was also my husband's. I hope my daughter always feels as delighted by her birthday as I do. After all, her birthday marks the day I got one of my best presents ever. I hope my husband feels loved and treasured even in the midst of the chaos we call our life.

I love this part of Sept. The stretch between my birthday and theirs is sweet. The anticipation and joy strings the days together. Every call or card is the knowledge that we are loved. Our safety net of friends and family is far wider than even we could reasonably travel in a year. We are blessed and grateful.

Birthdays are good. Very, very good. After all, it's not every day that you can get a free crown, balloon, popsicle and extra tokens at Chuck E Cheese.

Acts of Faith

2006-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

After all the hours wasted in the stay or go debate, it comes down to one thing. Sometimes, you have to go forward when you don't have all the answers. You have to go even when you are comfy and warm right where you are. Sometimes. Like now.

So, next Thursday, we will finish last minute packing and get the truck loaded. The kids and I will begin the trip down to FL. Russell will follow the next day. No doubt, he will go at a much faster pace without two small children. I hope to be in Orlando relatively soon after his Sat arrival. But, we'll see.

I'm beginning to have the excitement and peace we had that first evening in Celebration. I am so looking forward to not driving everywhere. I want to put many, many miles on my bike as we sing and pedal down the sidewalk, happy to be alive. Yup, I'm weird. Luckily, my children are young enough to think this is a fine and wonderful thing to do.

Each day I have received encouragement and confirmation that God will bring us through this time. I have reminded myself many times to trust in a God that has a big picture. It is not easy. Yet, I get these confirmation moments, these God-moments, when I breathe deeply and know that I am not in this alone.
Thanks be to God.

If

2006-09-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

If all goes well, we will have a lease to sign next week for a condo in Celebration. What a rollercoaster! We have finally reached a relatively fun part of the process.

After seeing a few properties in Celebration and getting an idea of floorplans and prices, we decided what we would like to pay for said units. I made a list and told the property agent that I had very competitive private offers, which I did. She came back with counter offers that we felt were more agreeable.

Our first choice is currently furnished. This is not so good for us though. The owner is going to see what she can do about that. Again, if all goes well, we will have a lease to sign next week. If not, we have back up plans.

I never imagined I would be bargaining for rental housing. I always thought it was like grocery store pricing and you paid what was listed. I keep wondering if any part of me will feel bad about dickering, but I don't think so. Instead, I will enjoy the tile floors and the luxury of not stressing about spaghetti sauce, cherries and carpets. Instead, I'll spend the money on music classes and the gym. Woohoo!

Updates

2006-09-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

We are moving ahead with our plans to relocate. We still do not have an exact destination. We still flirt with staying here. We are probably the flakiest folks around. We've contacted a couple of realtors regarding available properties in Celebration. Our house is emptying out. Soon we'll need to do another box run.

Stay tuned.

Control Issues

2006-08-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

Control is hard to give up, much like breathing. It may be just as much work to seek God's will in my life as it is to recklessly plow forward and play clean up afterwards. Nevermind that this God is Creator of the Universe, the one who sends food from the sky, parts the sea, and raises the dead. Nevermind all that.

Everytime I go with the flow, I get a little more peace. That's like gold to a worried control freak. Manna.

I'm a slow learner. In spite of this, I'm willing to bet that if I keep working on this surrender thing, good things will happen. I'm going to get enough grace to see me through all of the turmoil. And, because God's love and provision is bountiful, some days, I will get even more than enough.

Progress

2006-08-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

I think we are doing better. Some restless nights and melancholy moments, but overall, we are more at peace with this. For the last two days, we have gone bike riding. We've gotten wet and muddy, and had a grand time doing so. Yesterday, we rode around town for atleast 2.5 hours. Things always look better after the endorphins kick in...

I've packed more boxes, said more goodbyes and cleaned more. It is hard to believe there is anything left to clean, but the kids always find something new to take out.

It would be easier to leave everything on the floor until it goes in the box, but we were kind tenants and gave the new landlord extra notice of vacancy. He has been showing the house for over a week and half. The first time, he tried to call at dinner time and showed up with prospects two hours later. That would be 8 o clock. I was not happy. We let him in and I told him he would not be allowed to enter again under those circumstances. He is quite flaky and has made several appointments and then changed them. I SO miss the old property manager. He was great. A no problem kind of guy who always said I'll take care of it and did. He would not have been parading people through our home unnecessarily. Oh well. Them's the days...

Bottom line of all this rambling...We've acknowledged every downside and upside to this move. We still think we are moving. We wish we felt better about Orlando, but we don't. Maybe we just picked the wrong destination...

I am being told in different ways and times to trust God with everything. It's neat that each messanger is completely unaware of the others. I am left to wonder if I am to trust God to carry us through to the next adventure or to take care of things in other places and stay where we were sent. Have we learned enough here to go on to the next spot? Or should we continue to bloom in Bloomington?

My mom used to say," You think too much." This could very well be true. But then again, it may not be. I may think just enough to get myself in trouble. Today, I still contemplated the choices, but I put in a bigger mix of praise and adoration for a God who can see every twist, turn and stumble and always wants to hold my hand. Maybe that's my lesson for the day. If so, can I go home and take a nap now?

2006-08-28T06:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know where we are going. Moving to Orlando seemed like the reasonable thing to do. It has made us very cranky though. All of us.

Russell and I now wonder what should we be doing. Neither of us expected moving to evoke such poor behavior and bad thoughts. The tantrums and pettiness is intense. I expect the dog will pee on the floor any minute. We are left to wonder," Is this normal? Is this all a sign that we should NOT be doing this? Is this a rise above the chaos and carry on moment?" We just don't know.

Part of the problem is that we feel we should be doing the "right thing." For whom though? Us? Family? Both are important. Complicated. I know many would say the us is the most important thing. But, we don't usually make decisions by that measuring stick. I wonder what other kinds Home Depot sells.

Russell asked me what my gut desire was last night. I said to hide under a rock. Not good. He would be happy if we moved to Atlanta. That certainly has its merits. Every choice does.

Maybe we'll just click our ruby, red heels and wait to see where home is. First, we'll need to get some. The clock is ticking. Tick Tick Tock

Where in the world am I?

2006-08-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

The silence on my part is just an illusion. I've not been quiet at all. I've been taking time to drive my family crazy here...

Upon returning home, we have been more focused on cleaning, packing and sorting. We try to break up the work with fun. So, we've also been to the park, children's museum, Chuckee Cheese, and the library. All this fun and work has not stopped me from finding a little gem of humor, mostly guaranteed to make you smile.

DRUMROLL Please....
number #1 A+ reason for a 3 page insurance company denial of coverage letter.... They canot identify me.

I think that one is mostly straightened out now. I'm a little worried for BCBS though. They can't see the humor.

My laptop is visiting the computer doctor. I hope it comes home quickly. I miss it. I am down in the basement writing to you and it isn't the same at all. I promise to write more when it comes home.
Meanwhile, stay happy and well. And a little dazed, because it makes people wonder if you are okay.

More on moving

2006-08-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

We travel home today. The kids and I will fly back to Bloomington. I do not like flying, but am glad to be headed home. We are all excited abou that. It has been a good visit in S Fl. We have narrowed down the living situation to a city, although not a specific address. We are looking for a place in Celebration, a small town on the SW side of Orlando. We are optimistic about finding just the right place there.
More on that as I find out...

Sea shells

2006-08-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've always loved to look at shells on the beach. I used to search for the perfect one, the kind I saw in tourist shops. I have seen so few them, that I have occasionally wondered if they are really manufactured in China. I still don't know where those stores find them, but my quest has changed.

Somewhere along the line, I started to look at shells in a new light. The jagged edges and holes have become a story. The real treasures are the shells worn thin and smooth. I hold their translucent selves in my hand and rub, half expecting a genie to appear. I wonder at the journey that has taken them from the depths of the ocean to the sand beneath my feet. I wonder at the life of the creature that was once inside. I wonder if they were bottom dwellers or surface skimmers. I like to think they are the former.

Did you ever stop to think of what it must be like to live at the very bottom of the ocean? How some creatures never see a shimmer of of the sun's light? Their whole world is only what they can feel, or otherwise sense.
The dark, cold shrouds them.

We are like that I think. We get so wrapped up in our daily lives that it is all we can imagine. Our problems overwhelm us. They come back again and again. Sometimes, our bodies even begin to shut down. The tiniest illness beats us into the ground.

We cannot imagine the light because it has been dark for so long. Yet come it will. Like stepping into Canaan or being granted sight by a mystery man in Bible times. Eventually, the new life comes. Sometimes, it sneaks in, like morning dawn. Othertimes, a major event ushers in the new agenda. I think the shells know something about this journey. These broken treasures have surrendered control and travel in the moment. In spiritual terms, they go by faith.

The tiny shells I have held this week tell me of countless waves pushing and pulling them to the shore. Every wave brings them both closer and further to their desitination. We are so very often that shell. Life pushes us and pulls us forward. Laughter and tears mingle as we see glimpses of the goal even as setbacks assail us. Over and over, pushing and pulling us, smoothing our rough edges, making us beautiful.

In the Bible, King David speaks of dark nights and deep sorrows that are only relieved by morning, by God's deliverance (Psalm 30). I think of the times in my own life when I thought the night would never end. I think of the shells that never imagined the sun. Then, I think we are most human when we fight each wave and stiffen at the darkness. We are human when we fear the changes and difficulties around us. It is God in us when we embrace each trial and joy for what it is, another push or pull that takes us further on our journey to become the creatures God made us to be.

Someday, someone may pass us by and see, just for a moment, a shimmering glimpse of a life well lived. They will see, not just our imperfections, but our perfect, yearning hearts, longing to be close to the God who made us. Then, we will have arrived!

Life can be hard. It really can. Sometimes, you are swimming along and something big sucks you right out of your shell. Sometimes, your house gets smashed against the rocks and gets lost in the seaweed. Always, though, there is a path that leads to the light. There is always a path that leads to a richer, better life. May you each find the path God envisions for you today. May it excite you and bring you peace. The waves can be rough, and the rocks can be sharp. I know. But the joy that comes with the morning light is amazing.

Playing Telephone

2006-08-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Remember playing telephone as a kid? One person whispers their secret into the ear of the person next to them. The message gets lost in the spitty, whispered words. Before you know it, "My aunt wants to know how to sew." turns into "My aunt bought a cow to mow the shoes." Then everybody gets the giggles and collapses on the floor.

In real life though, it hardly ever ends this way. What's more likely is that the message gets turned awry and people feel hurt, angry or both. Even if the words are the same, tone and expression changes. Before you know it, you've disappointed the whole gang and you didn't even know it. It stinks. Every body is carrying baggage from a trip that no one even went on.

It's hard to clear the air sometimes. We sit on our feelings and hope they don't eat us for breakfast. They don't though. Instead, those feelings eat at us all day long, covering our thoughts, smothering good relationships, like moss on a stone.

That's the devil's game. Sneaking words and looks when they aren't invited. Just kick him out. Follow the traditions that make time to check on your relationships. Are you good with your neighbors? Your friends? Your families? Love them all to the best of your ability. Because chances are, they didn't mean to rub you the wrong way any more than I did.

There's no place like home

2006-08-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

I often think how strange it is to be in my parent's house again. I'm an adult child, with two children of my own, invading another family. We have our ways; they have theirs. As I get older, and busier with my own children, I get better at not giving too many directives to my siblings. I have finally figured out that they may never see the therapeutic benefit of cleaning the house. I, in return, will never see the therapeutic benefits of giving endless devotion to Nintendo. So, we are sort of even.

People have often asked me what it's like living in a big family. My husband and I have speculated that if we set up a web cam in the house, people might pay money to see it all for themselves. It's not a bad idea. That ploy could generate an awful lot of college dough... I mean, how else could you find out the exact situation to utter the phrase, "Don't you EVER throw the cat again!"

Don't laugh. This could come up in your life. How will you know if you've gotten right? We can help. Along with this priceless gem, you can also find out what happens when a dog eats lo mein out of someone's bowl. and secondary uses for Febreeze. That's just today. Imagine the delights of tomorrow!

Being from a big family gives you admission to a special club. When I meet someone from a large family, there is a shared sigh, a knowing, "ooohh." Things that tiny, cute families don't really get. Like how it could be alright that 6 people are eating 6 different meals, while 2 others are westling to the ground, and 1 more person is demanding that whoever stole his socks be punished and the socks returned. And after the sockless wonder leaves the room, the least likely suspect sails the socks through the air, over the wrestlers, to the dog...

I know these things don't happen in every family. So I don't talk about those things. But every once in awhile, I meet someone from the club. And then, in that single sigh, we speak about socks, dog vomit, and wedgies. And then, we close up again. It's never nice to scare the innocent. It's just not good manners.

The search is on

2006-08-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

We continue to look for housing. My children have taken to decorating themselves with markers and trashing the hotel room, with alternating moments of sweetness. My oldest periodically tells us we will ruin her life if we make her move to the "hotness" in FL. It is my hope that the search will be over by tomorrow morning. I think we are getting close.

Lay Me Down

2006-08-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've tried so hard to listen to the Spirit of God in my life. Not always. But for the last 61/2 years we've been chatty. I've spent the last several years praying thatI would be who God needed me to be and where I need to be. I've had a few moments when I was belly punched along the way, but I've been moving forward.

Moving to Illinois was the right thing to do. Confirmations came over and over again. Later today, we will fly to Orlando to check out apartments. Things seem pretty silent. Bad dreams. Headlines about terror plots. Not good. I vaguely remember coming to Bloomington though. We couldn't agree on housing. Our eldest child was melting at every turn. So maybe, it gets better.

Or I could just be a girl who doesn't listen. Maybe I am supposed to stay in Mayberry. It's not everybody who gets the chance to live in a place like this. It's just so hard to find the path sometimes.

I've spent the last year with the theme "Lay Me Down." I'm trying to see who I can become if I lay all my worst fears, jealousies, and petty meanies down. I want to know what I can be used for then. There is a song that says of the Christian walk, "You [God] must increase. I must decrease. How low can I go? How low can I go? I've been trying to answer that question. But, I don't want to be a martyr. I don't think it's in my cards. I just want to be the kind of person that God can really use in this world.

Maybe, if you are a praying person, you will join me in praying that I will be who God needs me to be, where He needs me to be, and really doing what He calls me to do. Because I think if we all do it together, the answer might come in so clearly that my imperfect self will not be able to miss it.

Signing off. The sunhine girl.

Questions of the day

2006-08-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Q: How many lollipops does it take to get to the end the family haircut outing?
A: 5 (and one McDonald's breakfast featuring a playground)

Q: Is my child the only child who wants a DragonTales birthday party?
A: Two of the nation's largest party suppliers say yes! How about Princesses or Pirates instead.

Q: Why do people use those monster zucchini squashes in bread?
A: Because they are really bitter if eaten by themselves. Or maybe that was the oregano

Q: Will that same zucchini work in a "fajita pie?"
A: Yes. It was very tasty. I'll be happy to tell you about it if you write.

Q: What was the silliest part of the day?
A: Playing guess who games with my 5 yr old and pretending to miss all the clues.

Getting up again

2006-08-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, I want to feel sorry for myself. I do. I want to curl up on the couch and not move for a day. Except to go to the kitchen for snacks. Probably the bathroom too. Otherwise I will just have to clean the couch when the pity party ends.

But really, who else has this kind of life? I keep thinking my life would make a good movie. It would be a black comedy called, My Bad Day. Except, I think it's leaking on to the second day now. There goes my good idea...

I have to be better than all this though. I don't want my kids to think it's ok to lay down and die when bad things happen. I don't want to be a whiner. I don't. Except today maybe.

I packed my picture albums yesterday. I cried then. Because I am not supposed to be moving because my brother is dead. And my mother. I'm not. I am supposed to be moving because ...because I don't know why. But, I do. I am moving because life is so short sometimes. There are no do overs. I want to be closer to the people I love. I want to share in their lives without it being a huge occasion. I do not want to live out of suitcases while I do it either. I want to be near enough to the ocean to go and breathe it in and have the sea's roar be louder than my own voice.

This life is crazy sometimes. So very crazy. And mean. I am counting on my God though. Sometimes, I remind Him of that. When my dad was in the hospital recently, I reminded God again. Just in case. I said, "God, you better come through. Do not let me fall." Stumbling is okay. Stubbing my toe is okay. Just push me to get back up again.

I think it's time to get up again. I don't want to be a benchwarmer in my own living room. Not really.

It's time to make a cherry pie with my daughter. Maybe read a book with her. Then, my son will wake up and he will bring us a book to read for him. I could be packing or cleaning. There's so much of that to be done. But, today I learned that someone I admire so much has cancer and it seems like a horrible way to mark that. Much better to tell my babies stories and help them learn new things about their world. Much better to let them know how wonderful they are to me.

Besides, if we make the cherry pie today, the carpets will really need to be cleaned tomorrow. It's so much better to clean when I can see the difference I've made. I've never understood those people who dust when they can't see the clean streak.

Paring down

2006-08-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether moving is the right or wrong thing to do. It's the nuts thing. Of that I am sure. It really wouldn't be unreasonable if we hadn't just moved less than a year ago. Moving we are though. Before I know it, we will say goodbye to corn fields and hello to Mickey Mouse.

We have given many van loads of our things away. We have sold some. I know there is more to go. I am questioning every item. Why, oh why, did I buy that doll house from a yard sale two months ago? And I think the weebles are breeding. Although I really wanted those candlestick holders nine years ago when we married, I sold them last Sat for four dollars.

Really though, in spite of all this, I am glad we are going. We will be closer to family. I wish we had done this move before now. We weren't ready. I know this. And I have learned wonderful things in Bloomington. I think we all have. Now, we will learn wonderful things in Orlando. Just as soon as I decide whether to keep all the painting supplies.