Rambling without a doubt

There are times I get tired of living life on the fly. I long for a house, a yard, a garden and friends to call in the middle of the day because I'm at the end of my parenting rope. I want vacation plans that are actually restful and not planned around DH's whimsical employers.

I need breathing room. The Bible says I am to ask and it shall be given. I don't take this to be that God is my personal ATM, but that I'm to seek his will first and ask according to His will. That works better some days than it does others. Today is not my day. Today, I need breathing room to be in God's will. at the very least, I want to know there is some plan I am working with. If this was a building site, I think every room would be off kilter right now...a sprawling mess.

Today, I learned the babysitter we all fell in love with got a regular job. She tells me she'll be available in the evenings still, but I've heard that. My children are so sad not to have Miss Mandi taking them to the park again anytime soon. Me too, I want to cry. Me too. And I feel awful for providing a new realtionship that will afll by the wayside. Yet, just two weeks ago, it was the thing that kept me going.
My father told me more about his new dating life. Not awful in itself, just weird and more than I can do sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it at all. So I just say I am happy for him. Which is true. And kids and DH are not always clicking. He is stressed with work stuff. They want his attention. As do I. He is trying to catch up with me and has a much harder time giving them the attention they, esp DD crave. So they end up cranky. Today, I finally said this has to stop. DD is right, you aren't speaking nicely. It's wearing on us all and please let's work to try to find a new way to relate. That was fun. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel pushed and pulled. I'm having a very hard time as it is being positive and constructive..and yes I read all kinds of very helpful things. I'm just tired I think. Again, I would like to see more of God's plan.
And finally, the three week escape from my life has been all but cancelled because DH upcoming contract was cancelled. He still has a job. This is good. I know many don't. However the lack of billable hours does still affect us. And obviously, our ability to travel along while he is at the client is harder with no client.
I'm a little frustrated. Part of the reason I wanted to homeschool was to be free to set our own family calendar. So far, we have various lessons three days of the week and I feel obligated to stay for them. Of the three, I guess I like one and DD likes two. As for the travelling, none of that has worked out. So I stay here at home, driving all over creation to interact with people when I am supposed to be living in a place people can live, work and play.

And finally, I want to go back to Atlanta. I think. I am so very, very tired of having to spend precious energy trying to make a support system. I want to do our lessons and then go spend time with the people we love and enjoy, and not finish them and hope I find something to do that keeps us happy until bedtime. Another day crossed off.

As I said, some days it's easier to ask and be content with God's will than others. Although, as I lay here typing, it suddenly occurs to me that even if I saw God's entire vision, I being mortal and imperfect, would still second guess it. Even so, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am trying my absolute best to hang on and fly free. I think I'm having trouble adjusting to the altitude and I need a little help breathing. That being said, if I were to receive a sign that our stay here has not been in vain as I fear and that I am free to move on, I do believe I would be thrilled. I do so dislike unfinished business.